Old and New Jokes

From Shelley Bermans hilarious book : Up in the Air

Q. When is it much better to be a woman than a man?

A. When you are in the lavatory and the plane hits turbulence.

Patient: Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow.

Doctor: How do you feel?

Patient: A little down in the mouth.

Mr Wong goes to an optometrist to have his failing eyesight checked out.

The optometrist runs a battery of tests and comes to a conclusion.

Mr Wong, Im afraid you have a cataract

He replies, No I dont – I drive lincoln town car!

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down.

An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final, Yahoo! and rode off.

What did you do to get that Indian so excited? asked the service station attendant.

Nothing, shrugged the woman, I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldnt fall off.

Lady the attendant said, Indians ride bareback…

Seventy-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results.
Doctor Smith said,
George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself and do you have a good relationship with your God?

George replied,
God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so hes fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the toilet, poof, the light goes on when I pee and then, poof, the light goes off when Im done.

Wow, commented Doctor
Smith, thats incredible!

A little later in the day Doctor Smith called Georges wife. Thelma, he said, George is just fine. Physically hes great.

But I had to call because Im in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and, poof, the light goes on in the toilet and then, poof, the light goes off?

Thelma exclaimed, That old fool. Hes been peeing in the refrigerator again!

Did you hear about the giant with diarrhea? You didnt?! Its all over town!

To find out, Take this handy quiz:
You have prepared a proposal for your supervisor. The success of this
proposal will mean increasing your salary 20%. In the middle of your
proposal your supervisor leans over to look at your report and spits into
your
coffee.
You:

(a) Tell him you take your coffee black.

(b) Ask him if he has any communicable diseases.

(c) Show him whos in command; promptly take a piss in his In
basket.

(d) Take a sip and comment how much better it tastes.

You are at a business lunch when you are suddenly overcome with an
uncontrollable desire to pick your nose. Since this is definitely a no-no,
you:

(a) Pretend to wave to someone across the room and with one
fluid motion, bury your forefinger in your nostril right up
to the 4th joint.

(b) Get everyone drunk and organize a nose picking contest with a
prize to the one who makes his nose bleed first.

(c) Drop your napkin on the floor and when you bend over to pick
it up, blow your nose on your sock.

You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January and
tell your boss that nobody but ladies of the evening and football players
live there. He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay. You:

(a) Pretend you are suffering from amnesia and dont
remember your name.

(b) Ask what position she played.

(c) Ask if she is still working the streets.

(d) Pull lacy underwear from your raincoat pocket and ask
if he recognizes the label.

You are having lunch with a prospective vendor talking about what could be
your best deal of the year. During the conversation a blonde walks into the
restaurant and she is so stunning you draw your companions attention to her
and give a vivid description of what you would do if you had her alone in
your hotel. She walks over to your table and the vendor introduces her as
his daughter. Your next move is to:

(a) Ask for her hand in marriage.

(b) Pass out and hope for sympathy.

(c) Forget the business; repeat the conversation to the
daughter and get her number.

(d) Turn red and slink off into the mens room.

You are making a sales presentation to a group of corporate executives in
the plushest office youve ever seen. The enchillada casserole and egg
salad sandwich you had for lunch react, creating severe pressure. Your
sphincter loses control and you break wind, causing the glass bookcase
doors to shatter and a secretary to pass out. You:

(a) Offer to come back next week when the smell has gone away.

(b) Point to the Chief Executive and accuse him of the offense.

(c) Challenge anyone in the room to do better.

Yo mama like the ocean… everybody gets to hit the waves

A wife begins to get a little worried because her husband has not arrived home on time from his regular Saturday afternoon golf game. As the hours pass she becomes more and more concerned until, at 8 p.m., the husband finally pulls into the driveway.



What happened? says the wife. You should have been home hours ago!



Harry had a heart attack at the third hole, replied the husband.



Oh, thats terrible, says the wife.



I know, the husband answers. All day long it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry…

I stopped at a friends shop the other day and found him stalkin around with a fly swatter.

When I asked if he was gettin any flies, he answered, Yeah, 3 males and 2 females.

Curious, I inquired as to how he could tell the difference.

He answered, 3 were on a beer can, and 2 were on the phone.