Old and New Jokes

My friend is a rather old-fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant – especially in her language.

She and her husband were planning a weeks vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a particular campground and asked for reservations.

She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didnt quite know how to ask about the toilet privileges in her letter. She finally came up with the term Bathroom Commode, and that being even too forward in her eyes, she abbreviated it to B.C.

The campground owner wasnt old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter he just couldnt figure out what the woman was talking about or what B.C. stood for. Finally, he showed the letter to several campers and they all reached the conclusion that the lady must be talking about the local Baptist Church. So the campground owner sent off the following letter in return:

Dear Madam:

I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take pleasure in informing you that a B.C. is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at the same time.

I admit that it is quite a distance away and if you are in the habit of going regularly it may seem too far, but, no doubt, you will make a day of it, and you might be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along, so you wont feel alone, as they make a day of it, too.

They usually arrive early and stay late. The last time my wife and I went was six years ago and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there.

It may interest you to know that right now there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. Theyre going to hold it in the basement of the B.C.

If you decide to come to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks.

Remember, this is a friendly community!

Microsoft files trademark infringement lawsuit

REDMOND, WA (APR. 27) BUSINESS WIRE – Microsoft Corp. announced today that they have filed a trademark infringement lawsuit against Kimberly-Clark Paper Company. The lawsuit claims that Kimberly-Clark has knowingly violated trademark laws in their introduction of Windows TP line of paper products.

The lawsuit names four separate products from Kimberly-Clark: The Windows TP Quilted for home use and the discerning business, The Windows TP Non-Quilted quality bargain brand for general business and office use, The Windows TP Floppy Roughness for extended shelf life, and the Windows TP CD-ROM Recycled Waterproof Roughness for schools and backpackers.

Kimberly-Clark has acknowledged the lawsuit. In a written statement to the press, a spokesperson for Kimberly-Clark said, Our product and computer software are unrelated. While it may be said that both Microsofts product and ours have similar uses, we believe that they are sufficiently different that both can maintain the Windows TP name without infringement.

A Microsoft spokesperson said, Our Windows TP product was conceived in the exact same place where the Kimberly-Clark product will be used, and thus is in clear violation of trademark laws. Also, every restroom facility already has a Window in it, and more of these facilities are moving to computer automation.

We feel that our Windows TP operating system will be in millions of bathrooms within the next year, and there are enough brands of TP out on the market already without adding another which clearly violates Microsofts trademark.

REDMOND, WA (APR. 29) – Business Day

Mr. Gates has no intention of deifying himself a Microsoft spokesperson reassured an anxious delegation of meditators to-day. It is traditional for the development team of a Microsoft product to include their names and bitmaps in the product. These bitmaps are only made visible through the activation of a backdoor – an unusual combination of keystrokes.

In the case of TPW (the telepathic version of Windows) the beta waves generated by the meditation activated the word beta embedded in the version number contained in the code. This in turn triggered the release of the bitmap of Mr Gates, the spokesperson ended.

From the explanation given by the delegation it appears that the sudden appearance of the image of Mr Bill Gates led several of the less experienced meditators to believe that they had been made privy to the appearance of the next saviour of the world.

When asked if this problem would be corrected before the product was released, the Microsoft spokesperson said that it was not official policy to comment on unreleased products.

Originally from Dave Coble
Read also:
Part 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5

For the first time in, oh, a decade, I think, something from Microsoft shipped on time: Jennifer Katharine Gates, weighed 8 pounds 6 ounces when she was downloaded, er, born on Friday, April 26 at 6:11pm. And what do Baby Gates and Daddys products have in common? 1. Neither can stand on its own two feet without a LOT of third party support. 2. Both barf all over themselves regularly. 3. Regardless of the problem, calling Microsoft Tech Support wont help. 4. As they mature, we pray that they will be better than that which preceeded them. 5. At first release theyre relatively compact, but they seem to grow and grow and grow with each passing year. 6. Although announced with great fanfare, pretty much anyone could have produced one. 7. They arrive in shaky condition with inadequate documentation. 8. No matter what, it takes several months between the announcement and the actual release. 9. Bill gets the credit but someone else did most of the work. 10. For at least the next year, theyll suck.

Q: What do you get when you cross a raven with a mad dog? A: A ravin lunatic.

A physician visited a California mental institution and asked a patient How did you get here? What is the nature of your illness?

He got this reply.

It started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I got hitched to a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter.

My Daddy came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother.

Soon my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddys brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddys wife. So as I told you, when stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once, my stepmother. Now since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle.

As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmothers mother. (Dont forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter.) Remember, too, that I am my wifes grandson.

But hold on just a few minutes more. you see, since Im married to my stepgrandmother, I am not only the wifes grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather.

Now can you understand how I got put in this place?

Q: How many A & R men does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. Well, Im going to go out on a beam on this one, but I liked it better without the lightbulb.

Guy: If i saw u naked Id die happy.. Girl: If i saw you naked Id die laughing!!

What do you get with a vampire and a snowman? Frostbite hahahaha

Recently, our town received a grant to build housing for midgets.

According to our demographics, they figured that we should have six midgets living here. They sent enough money so that we could finance the building of homes and let the little people pay less than the going rate for rent.



Since we have only one little person living here it turns out that he wont have to pay anything for the only house we built, the subsidy covers everything.



We call it a Stay Free Mini Pad.

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket
signs?