Old and New Jokes

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

Why are you eating grass? he asked one man.

We dont have any money for food, the poor man replied.

Oh, come along with me then, instructed the lawyer.

But, sir, I have a wife and two children!

Bring them along! replied the lawyer. He turned to the other man and said, Come with us.

But sir, I have a wife and six children! the second man answered.

Bring them as well! answered the lawyer as he headed for his limo.

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.

The lawyer replied, No problem, the grass at my home is almost a foot tall.

Here is another installment from The Man himself – this was taken from MATT GROENINGS BIG BOOK OF HELL (surprise).

When in doubt, howl your innocence:

No way!
Ive been framed!
I didnt do nuthin!
Lemme see my lawyer!

WHAT IS TROUBLE? The experts explain.

Expert #1: Trouble is bad. It messes up yer mind, causes shame, and annoys big grumpy adults. Trouble is one of the leading causes of spankings in the world today.

Expert #2: Trouble is the maladaptive social response of an inquisitive youth to a stultifying educational environment.

Expert #3: Trouble is fun, except when you get caught. My problem is, I always get caught.

BASIC TROUBLE: Whispering, squirming, passing notes, chewing gum, talking, drawing cartoons

ADVANCED TROUBLE: Hiding all the blackboard erasers, stealing back your confiscated yo-yo from the teachers desk, throwing water balloons, squirting water on the teachers chair

VERY ADVANCED TROUBLE: Dropping a bag of ball bearings on the floor, laughing at everything the teacher says, putting snails in the teachers briefcase, throwing maple-syrup balloons

CAN TROUBLE BE AVOIDED? Many youngsters attempt to avoid trouble by seeking refuge in a seat in the rear corner of the classroom. Unfortunately, in recent centuries, many authorities have become aware of this hideout.

TRY NOT TO LOOK GUILTY. Half-asleep = innocent. Angelic = guilty as hell.

IF YOU ARE CAUGHT, try one or more of the following:

Act so shocked that you are rendered temporarily speechless. (This will buy you time while you think of a way out.)
Deny everything. Blame someone else. Look sincere. Stick to your story. Dont falter. Lie like crazy.
Confess – with as few details as possible. Look pathetic. Whimper. Beg for mercy. Swear youll never do it again. (Important: dont forget to keep your fingers crossed.)

A duck walks into a pharmacy waddles up to the prescription counter
and rings the bell. The pharmacist walks up and asks, Can I help
you? The duck replies, Yes, I would like a box of condoms.
Why certainly, says the pharmacist, will that be cash or would
you like me to put it on your bill? The duck answers, What kind of
duck do you think I am?

Q: What is the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon, and Bill Clinton?

A: Washington couldnt tell a lie, Nixon couldnt tell the truth, and Clinton doesnt knowthe difference!

A hamburger!

A keen country lad applied for a salesmans job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world – you could get anything there.

The boss asked him, Have you ever been a salesman before?

Yes, I was a salesman in the country said the lad.

The boss liked the cut of him and said, You can start tomorrow and Ill come and see you when we close up.

The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 oclock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, How many sales did you make today?.

One, said the young salesman.

Only one, blurted the boss, Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?

Three hundred thousand dollars, said the young man.

How did you manage that? asked the flabbergasted boss.

Well, said the salesman, this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldnt be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser.

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?

No, answered the salesman, He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, Your weekends shot, you may as well go fishing.

Quatro sinko.

This guy has four daughters who all live at home. One Friday night
the doorbell rings. The guy answers it and a kid standing there says,
Hi, Im Freddy. Im here to pick up Betty. Were gonna go eat
spaghetti. Is she ready? The man, mildly amused calls down his daughter and the two leave. A few minutes later the doorbell rings again and he answers. A
kid standing there says Hi, Im Jim. Im here to see Kim. Were
gonna go for a swim. Can I come in? The guy, now perplexed, says yes and
the two take off. A few minutes later the doorbell rings and again the father
answers. A kid standing there says Hi, Im Joe. Im here to pick up Flo.
Were gonna go to the show. Can she go? The man, now kind of annoyed
says yes and the two depart. Sure enough, af few minutes later the door rings and the father
answers. A kid standing there says Hi, Im Chuck.. The father shoots him.

A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didnt improve.

Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, When a musician just cant handle his instrument and doesnt improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer.

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: And if he cant handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor.

Yo mama so stupid she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.