Old and New Jokes

A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes.

He goes up to the guys window and says, Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube.

The man says, Sorry officer I cant do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that Ill have a really bad asthma attack.

Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample. I cant do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, Ill bleed to death.

Well, then we need a urine sample.

Im sorry officer I cant do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that Ill get really low blood sugar.

Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line.

I cant do that, officer.

Why not?

Because Im too drunk to do that!

You kiss your girlfriends home page.

A VRML virtual walk through a park is your idea of a good date.

Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.

Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.

All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8…ISDN…cable modem…T1…T3.

And even your night dreams are in HTML.

You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

You start introducing yourself as Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au

A woman wanted to suprise her husband so she bought a pair of
crotchless panties. When her husband got home from work, he found his
wife spread eagle on the floor with the panties on. You want some of
this? she asked. The husband replied Hell no! Look what it did to
your underwear!

Entra drácula a una habitación y encuentra a Frankestein con su pene sobre un yunque y pegándose con una maza. Drácula le pregunta:

¿Qué hacés?

Me estoy masturbando.

Sorprendido, Drácula pregunta:

¿Y cuándo gozás?

Frankestein contesta:

Cuando yerro.

A guy has a horny parrot. Its terrible. Every time he reaches into the cage, the bird humps his arm. He invites his mother to tea, and the bird keeps saying foul things. Finally he takes the parrot to a vet.



The vet examines the bird extensively, says, Well, you have a horny male parrot. I have a sweet young female bird, and for fifteen dollars your bird can go in the cage with mine.



The guys parrot is listening and says, Come on! Come on! What are you waiting for?



Finally, the guy says All right and hands over the fifteen dollars.



The vet takes the parrot, puts him in the cage with the female bird, closes the curtain.



Suddenly, Kwah! Kwah! Kwah! The cage starts shaking and feathers come flying out.



The vet says, Holy gee, and runs across the room and opens the curtain.



The male bird has the female bird down on the bottom of the cage with one claw. With the other claw hes pulling out all her feathers. Hes saying, For fifteen bucks, I want you naked, bitch. Naked!

If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, shed be Yoko Ono Bono.
If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, shed be Dolly Dali.
If Bo Derek married Don Ho, shed be Bo Ho.
If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, shed be Oprah Chopra.
If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, hey! its the 90s!, hed be Cat Doggy Dogg.
If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elto John, shed be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.
If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, shed become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.
If Bea Arthur married Sting, shed be Bea Sting.
If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, shed be Liv Ito Beaver.
If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, hed be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.
How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, hed be Boog Alou.
If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., hed be G. Ghali G.
Nog (Quarks brother on Star Trek: Deep Space Nine) has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. If he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, hed be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.
If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then Nathan Hale, shed be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale.
If Jack Handy (SNL writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar, then moved on to Stephen King, hed be Jack Handy Capp Paar King.
If Javier Lopez married Keiko the whale, and Edith Piaf married Rose Tu the elephant, they would be Javier Keiko and Edith Tu.
If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.
If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, hed be Woody Wood Peck Hur.
If Dolly Parton married Tommy Smothers, then went even further back in show business and married Mr. Lucky, then divorced and married Martin Short, then divorced and married football kicker Ray Guy, we could all nod understandingly when we heard, Dolly Parton Smothers Lucky Short Guy.

51. One to change the bulb, and fifty to sing about the bulb
being changed.

On the keyboard of life always keep one finger on the escape key.

Joke found on http://www.randomjoke.com

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Your job is interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alchohol stream.
Your career wont progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
You sincerely believe alchohol is the elusive 5th food group.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case – coincidence? I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth… – now THATS a drinking problem!
You can focus better with one eye closed.
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
You fall off the floor…
Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner! Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you. At AA meetings you begin: Hi my name is… uh… Your idea of cutting back is less salt. You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. The whole bar says Hi when you come in… You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alchohol, and [Women or Men]. Every night youre beginning to find your roommates cat more and more attractive. Roseanne looks good. Dont recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass. That damned pink elephant followed me home again. Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you. Im as sober as a judge. The shrubberys drunk from too frequent watering. You wake up screaming TORO TORO TORO! in the middle of the night.