Mary Simpson was almost crazy with her three kids. She complained to her best friend, Theyre driving me nuts. Such pests, they give me no rest and Im half-way to the nut hatch.
What you need is a playpen to separate the kids from yourself, her friend said.
So Mary bought a playpen. A few days later, her friend called to ask how things were going.
Superb! I cant believe it, Mary said. I get in that pen with a good book and the kids dont bother me one bit!
By the way – Mary is blonde.
A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand-dune. One Texas soldier is better than ten taliban.
The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.
The voice then calls out One Texan is better than one hundred taliban.
Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The Texan voice calls out again One Texan is better than one thousand taliban.
The enraged Taliban Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannon, rocket and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.
Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, Dont send any more men, its a trap. Theres actually two of them.
Women are empathic, men are pathetic. We havent got a clue as to empathizing with another human being.
Male bonding consists of hitting each other on the shoulder, swearing a lot, and talking about the latest football game (Go Bears!!!) while consuming huge amounts of beer.
Female bonding is another thing all together. It consists of expressing emotions from despair to bliss, talking of inner feelings and personal relationships, and, of course, how clueless we men are.
Example from my marriage: Shorty after our Honeymoon, my bride stepped between me and the television, and said We have to talk. Being new to the married thing, and not knowing the ramifications of a we have to talk talk, I immediately turned the TV off (the Bears were winning big anyway, and I was out of beer), and said Whatever is bothering you is bothering me. Tell me about it.
This was, I thought, just the kind of careing, loving statement a good husband should make under the circumstances. She tured tear-filled eyes toward me and said I feel all empty inside. I said (and here comes the clueless part), Well, why dont you make yourself a sandwich, then? We could order some carry-out.
When I woke up, my clothes were tossed all over the room, and I was still in them. I had a splitting headache, and a vague realization that I had made some major mistake. I wasnt sure just what it was, but after a few repetitions of, more or less, this same scene, it began to dawn on me…
At least once each day a woman is going to ask her man a question that will determine his sex life for the next twenty-four hours. The trick is learning to spot just which question this is.
It could be something as simple as Did you like your dinner? to the always confusing, and always fustrating Do I look fat in this?
There is no right answer to this question. Either way, youre screwed… or not screwed to be exact.
But one question should be banned from the female volcabulary: Do you think shes prettier than me?
She always is, but we have to lie, and lie convincingly, to get laid that night.
An anxious woman goes to her doctor.
Doctor, she asks nervously, can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?
Certainly, replies the doctor, Where do you think lawyers come from!
A: A golden retriever.
So they can stand closer to the sink.
You might be a redneck if your wife yells, Come on, move this transmission so I can take a bath!
A fellow has a week off from work and decides to play a round of golf every day.First thing Monday morning, he sets off on his first round and soon catches up to the person in front. He sees that this is a woman and, as he catches up to her on a par 3, that, in fact, shes very attractive. Hes interested and suggests that they play the rest of the round together.
She agrees and a very close match ensues. She turns out also to be a very talented golfer and she wins their little competition on the last hole. He congratulates her in the parking lot, then offers to give her a lift when he sees she doesnt have a car. All in all its been a highly enjoyable morning.
On the way to her place, she thanks him for the mornings company and competition and says she hasnt enjoyed herself so much on the course for a long time. He pulls up to her house, they kiss and she shows him her appreciation…
The next morning he spies her at the first tee and suggests they play together again. Hes actually quite competitive and slightly peeved that she beat him the previous day. Again they have a magnificent day, enjoying each others company and playing a tight competitive round of golf.
Again she beats him at the last hole, again he drives her home and again she shows her appreciation.
This goes on all week, with her beating him narrowly every day. This is a sore point for his male ego but, nevertheless, in the car home from their Friday afternoon round, he tells her that he has had such a fine week that he has a surprise planned: dinner for two at a fancy candle-lit restaurant followed by a night of passion in the penthouse apartment of a city hotel. Surprisingly, she bursts into tears and says she cant agree to this. He cant figure out what the fuss is about but eventually she admits the reason.
You see, she tearfully sobs, Im a transvestite.
He is aghast. He swerves violently off the road, pulls the car to a screeching halt and curses madly, overcome with emotion.
Im sorry, she repeats.
You bastard, he screams, red in the face, You cheating bastard. Youve been playing off the womens tees all week!!
You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient in soup.
Youve ever stood in line to get your picture taken with a freak of nature.
Your anniversary present was getting the septic tank pumped.
Test Tubes Bubbling
(to the tune of Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire)
Test tubes bubbling in a water bath
Strong smells nipping at ypur nose.
Tiny molecules with their atoms all aglow
Will find it hard to be inert tonight.
They know that Chlorines on its way
Hes loaded lots of little electrons on his sleigh
And every students slide rule is on the sly
To see if the teacher really can multiply.
And so I offer you this simple phrase
To chemistry students in this room
Although its been said many times, many ways
Merry molecules to you.