Old and New Jokes

En un cuartel de la milicia, había un soldado raso que era muy buena gente, ayudaba a todo el mundo en sus tareas, tenía muy buen sentido del humor, era muy colaborador, y además era muy estudioso. Lo cierto es que al hombre todo el mundo lo quería.

Un día mandan un telegrama al cuartel dónde dice que la mamá de este soldado había muerto, pero nadie quería decirle tan mala noticia.

El capitán que es quién recibe los mensajes manda al comandante y le dice:

¡Comandante! tiene la dura tarea de decirle a González que su mamá ha muerto.

El comandante sale afligido y le dice a otro y ese otro le dice a otro y así hasta que se encuentran con un cabo que era más malo que el odio, que dice:

¡Dame aca! yo soy quien se lo va decir.

Dirigiéndose a la tropa.

¡Quiero a todos los rasos aquí en fila!

Y los rasos se colocan.

¡Que den un paso adelante los que tengan a su mamá viva!… ¿Para dónde vas tú, González?

Resulta que el Papa está predicando una misa y de un instante a otro le da un paro cardiaco y muere. Al llegar al Cielo, toca a la puerta y desde adentro San Pedro pregunta:

¿Quién es?

Su Santidad, contesta el Sumo Pontífice.

En eso, adentro de la habitación se escucha:

¡En la madre! Guarden el alcohol y las cervezas; tú Tadeo, dile a las monjas que se pongan las túnicas y a las del table que se vistan, pero ya, rápido…

El Santo Padre, ya desesperado, llama otra vez y más fuerte.

¿Quién es?, pregunta San Pedro nuevamente.

¡Su Santidad!

¡Ay, pinche Juan Pablo, grita más fuerte, pensé que decías SALUBRIDAD!

En una ocasión en la selva, el Rey León decidió hacer una fiesta y advirtió que a la medianoche todos tenían que hacer el amor con la pareja que estuvieran bailando. Al sonar las doce, el Rey León da la orden y todos se van a refocilar.

Al otro día, todos los animales se juntan para platicar su historia. Pero el chango se queda callado mientras los otros hablan. Intrigado, el tigre se le acerca:

Ea, ¿y tú por qué no hablas?

No, pinches fiestas culeras que organizan, responde con enfado el chango.

¿Por qué?

Pues yo a la medianoche estaba bailando con la jirafa, y entre dame un beso y agárrame las nalgas se me fue toda la noche.

Jack and Jessica met on the beach, fell in love with each other at first glance, and after three days, were married. The wedding night was just as successful as it could be, but when Jessica awoke the following morning, she found her husband dressing.
She said, Honey, where are you going?

Jack said, Darling, we married so rapidly, I had no chance to tell you that Im a golf fiend. I play golf every day, I enter every tournament. I am afraid that you will rarely see me.

Jessica nodded and said, Well, thats all right. After all, we married so rapidly, I had no chance to tell you, either, that Im a hooker.

Jack said, Oh sweetheart thats nothing – dont worry about that for a minute! Its easily corrected by holding the golf club like this…

One day air force one crashed on a farm. quickly the fbi came to investigate. they knew there were no survivors. they looked frantically through the wreckage to try and find the presidents body but it was no where to be found. there were only a few security guards. maybe the president hadnt died. maybe he had gotten out and went to get some help. in the next field over there was a farmer plowing his field like nothing had even happened. they quickly ran over to him.

fbi agent: excuse me sir, did you see that plane crash over there?



farmer: yessiree i certianly did.



fbi agent: did you see anyone get up and walk away?



farmer: nope, i buried them all this morning. didnt wantem stinkin up the place.



fbi agent: did you realize the president was on that plane?



farmer: yep, buried him too



fbi agent: you buried the president?



farmer: well he kept saying he was still alive but you know what a liar he is!

The only important information in a hierarchy is who knows what.

What does a teenage girl from West Virginia say during sex?

Carefull dad, youre crushing my cigarettes!

Hoped it would somehow help NAFTA get passed
Too much caffeine
What can I say? I love a good joke
Thats what he gets for hoggin the remote control
Took Bob Barkers constant spaying and neutering reminders to their logical conclusion
I was trying to cut the price tag off his new pajamas and he sneezed
Good practice for carving Thanksgiving turkey
Fell asleep whittling in bed
Was tired of playing got your nose
Ginsumania!

I met a guy in Las Vegas who really looked down in the dumps, and I asked him if hed been cleaned out at the casinos.

He said, Its worse than that. I blew almost all my dough, and then I was propositioned by this really great looking hooker as I was walking along the Strip.

I told her I was nearly broke, and she said, For sure youve still got a hundred bucks for a quick one, but I said, Nope – dont have near that much.

Well, how about fifty bucks for a blow job?

And I said, Nope – dont have fifty bucks left.

Well then, she says, I can let you have a hand job for $25.

And I said, Really, Id love to, but I dont even have that much left.

So she says, How about a wax job for five bucks? And I tell her Ive never heard of a wax job, but she says, Whadda ya got to lose? and we go behind a parked car in Ballys parking lot.

So, I give her the five dollars and she kicks me in the nuts so hard the wax blows out of my ears.

Minutes before the cremation, the undertaker quietly sat down next

to the grieving widow. How old was your husband? he asked.

He was ninety-eight, she answered softly. Two years older than I

am.

Really? the undertaker said. Hardly worth going home, wouldnt

you say?