Old and New Jokes

[Ed: Edited]

Man and his friend meet on the golf course and decide
to finish off the round together. The friend has a little dog
with him and, on the next green when the friend holes out with
a 20 foot putt, the little dog starts yipping and stands up on
its hind legs.

The Man is quite amazed at this clever trick of the dogs
and says, That dog is really talented! What does it do if you
miss a putt??

Somersaults.

Somersaults!!!!!! How many of them does it do?

Mmm, depends on how hard I kick it up the ass!

When Peters learned that he was being fired, he went to see the head of Human Resources. Since Ive been with the firm for so long, he said, I think I deserve at least a letter of recommendation.

The Human Resources Director agreed and told Peters that he would have the letter the very next day.

The following morning, Peters found the letter on his desk. It read, Jonathan Peters worked for our company for seventeen years. When he left us, we were very satisfied.

At Cambridge University during an examination one day a bright young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale. The following dialog ensued:

Proctor: I beg your pardon?

Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale.

Proctor: Sorry, no.

Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me Cakes and Ale.

At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred year old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section which read (roughly translated): Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale. Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and happily slurping away.

Three weeks later, the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination.

Theres a big trade in skunk fur at the moment so two ladies are on holiday with the intention of smuggling a couple of skunks back home. Theyre discussing how theyre going to conceal them to get through customs.

I can put it down my knickers as surely no one will search there. says one of them.

Yes but what about the smell? asks her friend.

Hey, if it dies it dies.

Apparently all British Airways planes have been grounded today after it was found that all the air hostesses had at least a four inch crack in them.

Martina Navratolova was held at Heathrow today after customs men found a pound of crack in her knickers.

Q: Whats the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?

A: Lipstick.

Q: Whats a Jewish American Princess favorite position?


A: Facing Bloomingdales!

Q: How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They assign the task to a gastarbeiter.

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, Ive kidnapped you.



She then wrote a note saying, Ive kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde.



The Blonde then pinned the note to the kids shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?

Yassir Araafats last wish before he slipped into a coma was to convert to becone a jew. His wife asked him, but why oh glorious one, leader of the world would you want to become one of the accursed of the world? So that dear Suha there will soon be another dead jew.