Old and New Jokes

Back when Bill Clinton and Hillary got married Bill told her,

Theres one thing I want you to know. Theres a box under my bed, and I dont want you to look in it until I die.

Hillary agreed to this but, over the years, the curiosity got the better of her, and she finally looked in it.

She found three beer cans and 1.5 million dollars in cash.

When she asked Bill what the beer cans were for, he replied, Well, those are for all the times Ive cheated on you.

Hillary said, Well, thats not bad after all these years, and you being a politician, and traveling and all.

She was about to leave, but then she said, Hey, Bill, what about the 1.5 million dollars?

Bill replied, Thats for all the times the box got full and I had to cash the cans in.

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud.

Finally, his big sister had enough. Youre not supposed to talk out loud in church.

Why? Whos going to stop me? Joel asked.

Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, See those two men standing by the door? Theyre hushers!

Yo mama so fat they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumping

Q: How many statisticians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Walt Pirie to hold the bulb and one psychologist, one economist, one sociologist and one anthroplogist to pull away the ladder.

A preacher visiting his flock in the country happens to see a pig walking around on 3 legs. The preacher stopped by and asked the farmer. My son, whats with your pig with only 3 legs?
Well preacher says the farmer, this pig is very special to my family and me, well just 2 months ago, Im working underneath my tractor, the jack fell and the tractor was crushing me. I yelled and my pig rushed to my rescue, dug me out and pulled me away from the tractor.
Well thats very commentable says the preacher..but..
Thats not all preacher, last week my house caught fire and my pig pulled my 2 young daughters to safety. It even received a hero gold ribbon, from the village mayor.
I understand says the preacher, but that still doesnt explain the missing leg!
Well like I said preacher, this pig is very special to my family and well, we just cannot bring ourselves to eat it all at once.

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.



Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says, Good morning, Maam. What are you doing?

Reading my book, she replies as she thinks to herself, Is this guy blind or what?

Youre in a restricted fishing area, he informs her.

But, Officer, Im not fishing. Cant you see that?

But you have all this equipment, Maam. Ill have to take you in and write you up.

If you do that, I will charge you with rape, snaps the irate woman.

I didnt even touch you, grouses the sheriff.

Yes, thats true … but you have all the equipment …



Moral: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read!

All eyes turned to stare as a gorgeous redhead walked into the costume party stark naked. The alarmed host rushed to intercept her.

Wheres your costume? he hissed through clenched teeth.



This is it, she calmly explained. I came as Adam.



Adam? her host exploded. You dont even have a dick!



I just got here, Jeremy, she replied. Give me a few minutes.

Q: Why did the dollar bill cross the river?



A: He wanted to switch banks.

Whats the difference between a computer and a woman?

A computer will accept a three-and-a-half-inch floppy.

There are 3 hunters in the woods, theyre all telling each other what theyre are going to shoot. The first one says hes going to get a buck. So he goes out and comes back with a buck. Then the other 2 hunters ask how he did it and he says, I see tracks I follow tracks I get buck. So the second hunter says "Im gonna get a doe." So he goes out and comes back with a doe. Then the 3rd hunter asks him how he did it. The 2nd hunter says, I see tracks I follow tracks I get doe. So the 3rd hunter says, Im just gonna shoot at anything I see. So he goes out and comes back half a day later all beaten bruised bloody and totally trashed. And the other two hunters ask what happened and he says, I see tracks I follow tracks, I get hit by train!