THINGS TO PONDER…….
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isnt it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
Why isnt there mouse-flavored cat food?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If a turtle doesnt have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why dont sheep shrink when it rains?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Is it true that cannibals dont eat clowns because they taste funny?
A woman has a dog who snores in his sleep and keeps her and her husband awake at night. She goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dogs testicles and he will stop snoring. Of course the woman is very sceptical in believing this and goes home. A few hours after going to bed the dog is snoring as usual. Finally getting very frustrated, she goes to closet and grabs a piece of ribbon, ties it around the dogs testicles, and sure enough the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed.Later that night her husband returns from being out with his friends and he is very drunk. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring very loudly. The woman is desperate and thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. She goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husbands testicles. Amazingly it also works on him. The woman falls asleep again and sleeps very soundly.The next morning the husband wakes up very hung over. He stumbles into the bathroom to urinate. As he is standing in front of the toilet, he looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his scrotum. He is very confused. He walks back into the bedroom and sees a red ribbon attached to his dogs scrotum. He looks at the dog and says Boy, I dont remember what the hell happened last night, but where ever you and I went, we got first and second place.
A girl has brought her fiance home for dinner. After dinner, the fiance and the girls father go into the study for a man to man talk.
So, what are you doing right now? asks the father.
I am a theology scholar, replies the fiance.
Do you have any plans of employment?
I will study and God will provide.
What about the children? asks the man.
God will provide.
And your house and car?
Again, God will provide, says the fiance.
After the talk, the girls mother asks the father, So what did you two talk about?
The man replies, He has no plans of employment, but on the other hand, he thinks Im God.
A woman had 8 children, all of them boys. So, one day a magazine sent a journalist to her house for an interview.
He asked her about the boys and what their names were; she sid Kevin. Right, he said, what about that blond one over there? Kevin, she said. Oh, and the tall one with the freckles? Kevin, she said.
Well, and the little chubby one with the baseball cap? Kevin, she said. Are all your boys called Kevin? he asked, isnt that terribly complicated?
Not at all, she said, it makes everything very easy, actually. When I shout: Kevin, tea is ready!, they all come. When I say: Kevin, its time for bed!, they all go to bed.
I see. But what if you want only one of them?
No problem. she answers. Then I call them by their surnames.
The pharmacist replies thatll be 6 bucks plus tax
Tacks!? the guy says, In my country these things stay on by themselves!
A pirate comes walking into a dockside tavern. He has a wooden leg, a hook instead of a hand, and a glass eye. He sits down at the bar and orders a beer. The curious young man sitting next to him asks the pirate how he came to have a wooden leg.
The pirate replies, Well, I was standing on the deck of me ship one day and a wave washed me overboard, then a shark came along and bit me leg off.
The young man then asks, Well then, how did you lose your hand?
To this the pirate answered, Many years ago, I was fighting the Brittish and one of the dastards cut me hand off! So I had to put this hook on me.
The young man then asked, How did you get the glass eye?
The pirate replies, I was standing on the deck of me boat, and a bird crapped in me eye.
The young man, now completely confused says, Thats it? No fantastic story? A bird crapped in your eye and you lost it?
The pirate says, Well, it was me first day with me hook…
Sometimes stays in bed till after 5 am.
In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.
Shows up at barn raisings in full Marilyn Manson makeup.
When you criticize him, he yells, Thou sucketh!
His name is Jebediah, but he goes by Jeb Daddy.
Defiantly says, If I had a radio, Id listen to alternative!.
You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.
Uses slang expression: Talk to the hand, cause the beard aint listening.
Hes wearing his big black hat backwards.
What do you get a lawyer for his birthday?
Briefs!! ha!ha!
What do you call a sky-diving club for lawyers?
Skeet.
Q: How many Scousers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but 200 had to apply for the job.
Llega Pepito con su mamá, que está embarazada, y le pregunta:
¿Mamá, qué es lo tienes en el estómago?
Un niño.
¿Y quien te lo dio?
Tu papá.
Pepito sale coriendo a ver a su papá y le dice:
Oye, papá, no le des niños a mi mamá, porque se los come.