Old and New Jokes

Johh Major, Tony Blair and Paddy Ashdown are all killed in a plane crash.

St. Peter welcomes them to the after life and shows down this seemingly infinetely long corridor with doors down both sides. Eventually they stop at a door behind which is a stone cell with only a stone furniture. For all the sins in your lifetime Paddy Ashdown says St. Peter this is your home for eternity. With that he pushes Paddy in and locks the door.

Further down the corridor is another room. Its all bare wooden furniture but there is some food on the table and access to the library. For all your sins Tony Blair, this is your room for eternity booms St. Peter locking the door.

Further, much further down the corridor St. Peter shows John Major into a room. Its pleasantly decorated, lots of food laid out and Cindy Crawford is there wearing hardly a thing. A smile (well the best attempt he can make) creeps over John Majors face.Then St. Peter says Cindy Crawford, for all the sins in your lifetime, this is your punishment.

A Fir Tree

In 1923, do you know who was:

President of the largest steel company?
President of the largest gas company?
President of the New York Stock Exchange?
Greatest wheat speculator?
President of the Bank of International Settlement?
Great Bear of Wall Street?
The winner of the US Open and PGA Tournaments?

These men were considered among the worlds most successful. At least they were at the peak of their money making careers. Now, more than 55 years later, do you know what became of them???

The President of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab, died a pauper.
The President of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, became insane.
The President of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.
The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.
The president of the Bank of International Settlement shot himself.
The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Rivermore, died a suicide.
Gene Sarazan, who won the US Open & PGA Tournaments in 1923, continued playing golf professionally and personally until his death on May 13, 1999, at the age of 97.

And The Moral of the Story is:

STOP WORRYING ABOUT BUSINESS AND PLAY GOLF.

What is Draculas favorite kind of dog?

A blood hound.

Patient: Doctor, I have a serious memory problem. I cant remember anything!

Doctor: So, since when did you have this problem?

Patient: What problem?A variationDoctor: Did you take those pills I gave you to improve your memory?

Patient: What pills?

IBM: Intense Bowel Movement

Early one morning, Jerome was walking along a beach. In the sand he found a brass lamp. He decided to rub the lamp and a beautiful genie appeared.

Jerome, being quite a bright lad, said I have released you from your prison and you must grant me 3 wishes.



The Genie said That is true but my powers are rusty. You will have to come back tomorrow.



Jerome replied Oh, but I cannot wait till tomorrow, because I am a student and must take my finals exams then.



The Genie responded, Very well. I will write you 3 letters of acquaintance. Give one to each of the wizards whose address I have written on the letters and they will grant you a wish on my behalf.



Off Jerome went. On the way he wondered what to wish for and thought about his exams tomorrow. He suspected what some of the exam questions might be and thought why not be sure I have the correct answers. So he decided to ask the Wizards to unravel some perplex mysteries for him.



To the first, he asked to know the secret of how Caramel puts the caramel in their bars. Poof . . . the Wizard sent him to the Chocolate Factory and he discovered how it was done.



To the second Wizard, he asked how toothpaste could come out like a candy cane . . . with the red stripe down it. Poof . . . the Wizard send him to the Toothpaste Factory and he now knew how it was done.



To the third Wizard (whom he woke up) . . . he asked how the pyramids were built. Poof . . . Jerome found himself in the Egyptian Desert working with thousands of other slaves.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

96. Buy a McDonalds Happy Meal for lunch every day. Eat the straw and the napkin. Throw everything else away.

Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.

Anyone who is popular is bound to be disliked.