Old and New Jokes

Dedicated to all married scientists:

There was this physicist who was in the habit of getting home quite
late. One time, he came home at 2:30 a.m. with a torn shirt, lipstick on
his collar, hair messed up, and generally looking like hell. His wife caught
him coming in the door and demanded to know why he came home so late.

His story:

Well, after I quit work for the day, a few friends and
I went out to the bar for a few drinks. We met up with
some rather good-looking young women, and started to drink
to excess; things just kept happening, as you can well see.
I sobered up enough to note how late it was, so I rushed
home.

She said, YOU LIAR!! YOU WERE IN THE LAB AGAIN, WERENT YOU???!!!

A cop pulls over a drunk driver. The drunk driver says, "Ossssifer, you need to get your records straight. You just asked me for my license, but you took it away yesterday!"

Pepito y su papá van caminando por la calle cuando, de pronto, encuentran un billete de lotería.

Papi, papi, ¿qué pasa si ganamos?

Venecia… Champagne… Mujeres.

¿Y si no, papi?

¡Xochimilco, cerveza… y tu madre!

The teacher says, Children, today I will ask each of you to come to the front of the class and use a word in a sentence. Todays word is beautiful. Little Sally, would you please come up here and use beautiful in a sentence?



Little Sally walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said – Teacher, my mom is the most beautiful woman in the world.

Teacher says, Very good, Little Sally, you may sit. Little Frankie, your turn.



Little Frankie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said – Teacher, the sunrise this morning was the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen. Teacher says, Very good, Little Frankie, you may sit. Little Johnny, its your turn.



Little Johnnie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said – Teacher, last night my big sister told my dad that she was pregnant and he said…

Beautiful, just fuckin BEATUIFUL!

Digger Phelps Words of Wisdom

From the NCAA Tournament:

Basketball is a game of two halves.

We have to remember that whoever scores the most points by the end wins.

Youre either a good team or a bad team, and they played somewhere in the middle.

Hes like all great players — not great yet.

You dont score 86 points without being able to shoot.

Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com

Science Watch: Government and auto industry officials are debating which
crash dummies best imitate humans in accidents. Says Paul Ryan, They
cant decide whether its the ones who play with the radio and do their
makeup, or the ones who eat Danishes and spill hot coffee in their laps.

A Builder, a clergyman and a politician sttod outside the Pearly Gates, waiting for admission.

Im sorry, gentlement, Saint Peter said, but the gates are broken.

The builder took a look at the gate, then offered to repair them for ten dollars.

Why ten dollars? Saint Peter asked.

Five dollars for my labor, five dollars for the material, the builder explained.

What about you Saint Peter asked the Clergyman. Can you fix them?

Yes, for thirty dollars. Ten for the orphans fund, ten for the churchs building fund, and ten for the poor box.

And you, can you fix them? Saint Peter asked the politician.

Of course, the politician replied. But Ill need $110.

A hundred ten dollars?

Well, fiftys for me, fiftys for you, and for ten bucks, I can get the builder to fix them.

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether its lightbulb or light bulb … another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is lamp
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that light bulb is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URLs
3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
5 people to hotlink to pictures of lightbulbs hosted on geocities
6 people to complain about dead images
3 people to tell them to right click the image and copy the URL into another window
13 to read all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers, images and signatures, and add I agree
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say didnt we go through this already a short time ago?
13 to say do a search on light bulbs befor

Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy Will you marry me?The guy said, No!And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing, camping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook and farted whenever she wanted.The End.

Why do you need a drivers license to buy liquor when you cant drink and drive?

Why isnt phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

If youre in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

You know how most packages say Open here. What is the protocol if the package says, Open somewhere else?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, its called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, its called cargo?

Why is it that when youre driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why cant they make the whole plane out of the same substance?