Old and New Jokes

Yo mama so fat that when whe was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks.

Yo mama so stupid she put lipstick on her forehead, talking about she was trying to makeup her mind.

A guy walks into a bar, looking all depressed. He goes to the bar and orders a drink.

The bartender brings it to him and asks Do you want to talk about something? You look kinda down in the dumps.

The guy says Well, Ive suspected that my wife has been cheating on me for months, so today I took the day off work to follow her. Well, when I came home, I caught her with my best friend!

Wow, that must have been hard! the bartender says What exactly do you say to your friend in a situation like that?

The guy at the bar replies Well, I looked him straight in the eye, and I yelled BAD DOG!

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

It takes just a little living to make a house a heap.

there was a brunette and a blond they walked into a bar. the 5:00 O clock news was on . the news said that a man was going to commite suicide. the brunette said i bet $50 that the man is going to jump. the blonde says ok!. they find out that the man did jump so when the brunette was going to collect the money she said that she couldnt take it because she saw the 3:00 news and she saw that he was going to junp. the blonde said so did i but i didnt think he would do it again.

Three men, a doctor, a minister, and a lawyer take a fishing boat out onto the ocean. A terrible storm arises, and the boat takes a great quantity of water. Fearing that they will all die, they decide that one of them must jump into the shark infested waters so that the other two may live.

The minister volunteers, saying that God will take care of him. He jumps in and is immediately eaten by the sharks.

More water comes into the boat. They decide that one of the two remaining people must jump in. The doctor says I have spent my entire life healing people, certainly I will survive the ocean. He jumps in and is immediately eaten by the sharks.

A person is walking along the shore line. He sees the boat being pushed by sharks onto the shore. It reaches the shore, and the lawyer steps out calmly. The man runs to the lawyer, and says hey, what was that all about?

The lawyer says Professional courtesy.

You might be a redneck if you cant get married to your sweetheart because theres a law against it!

A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a baseball game. During the game the guys notice the girl knew just as much about the game as themselves, and are really impressed. After the game they ask her, How is it that you know so much about baseball?

She says, Well, I used to be a guy and got a sex change.

The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process.

What was the most painful part of the process? Was it when they cut IT off?

That was very painful, but was not the most painful part.

Was it when they cut off your balls?

That was very painful, but was not the most painful part.

What was the most painful part?

The part that hurt the most was when they cut my salary in half!

What did the fish say when he hit a wall? Dam!