Old and New Jokes

General Halftrack called down to the motor pool. A sleepy voice answered, Hullo.

General Halftrack said, How many vehicles in the motor pool?

The sleepy voice said, Hold on.

After a few minutes, he came back on and said, Theres 7 Jeeps, 3 one and a half ton trucks, and 2 staff cars for the fat-ass generals.

General Halftrack was upset by this and said, Do you know who this is?

Sleepy voice said, No.

General Halftrack said, This is General Halftrack!

Dead silence for about 5 seconds. Then the sleepy voice asked, Do you know who this is?

General Halftrack says, No.

Sleepy voice replies, Goodbye, Fat-ass!!!

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy.

The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didnt have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with a bucket to gather some snails.

Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach.

As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach.

He kept thinking to himself Wouldnt it be great if she would just come down and talk to me. He went back to gathering the snails.

All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him.

They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place…

They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there.

At seven oclock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, Oh no!!! My wifes dinner party!!!

He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door.

He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment.

He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs.

The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the doorway wondering where hes been all this time.

He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said: Come on guys, were almost there!

A blonde has just got a new sports car. She cuts out in front of a semi, which almost drives the truck over a cliff. The driver then motions for her to pull over, so she does.

The driver gets out and draws a circle and tells her to stand in it and not to get out. Then he gets out his knife and cuts up her leather seats. He then turns around and sees she is smiling. So he goes to his truck and takes out a baseball bat, and starts busting her windows and beating her car. He turns around and now she is laughing.

He is really mad now so he takes his knife back out and slices her tires. He turns around and she is laughing her head off, about to fall down, and he says What are you laughing about?

And she says "Everytime you werent looking I stepped out of the circle.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to
one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: Ive heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this
true?

A: How could that be true? Your heart is only good for so many beats,
and thats it. Everything wears out eventually, so how could speeding
up your heart make you live longer? Thats like saying you can extend
the life of your car by driving it more. Want to live longer? Take a
nap.

Q: Both my wife and my girlfriend say I should cut down on meat and
eat more fruits and vegetables.

A: They just dont grasp logistical efficiencies the way you do.
Look, what does a cow eat? Corn. And whats corn? A vegetable. So a
steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering
vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good
source of field grass. And a pork chop can give you 100% of your
recommended daily allowance of slop.

Q: Is beer bad for you?

A: I normally dont like to answer questions which deal with my
religious values, but I find this question so ridiculous I simply have
to say something. Look, it goes to the earlier point about vegetables.
As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three
categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know beer is not an
animal, and its not a mineral, so that only leaves one thing,
right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and tell everyone youre on
a vegetarian diet.

Q: At the gym, a guy asked me to spot for him while he did the bench
press. What did he mean?

A: Spotting for someone means you stand over him while he blows air
up your shorts. Its an accepted practice at health clubs, though if
you find that it becomes the ONLY reason why youre going in, you
probably ought to reevaluate your exercise program.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?

A: Cant think of a single one, sorry.

Q: Im getting a little soft around the middle. Will sit-ups help this?

A: Definitely not! Look, when you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger,
right? You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: I thought it would be good for me to carry my clubs when I play golf,
but last weekend some idiot almost ran over me with the golf cart!

A: Sorry. I was reaching into my cooler and didnt see you.

Q: Theres a lot of equipment available at the gym today, like the
treadmill, the stair-stepper, etc. Which one do you recommend?

A: The strato-lounger

Q: Where is the best place in a book store to find a man who is handsome, a good lover and a stimulating partner?
A: In the pages of a romance novel.

A man had called a local paint company and asked if they had anyone who could come over and do some painting that day. The company sent a blonde right over to do the job. The man meet the woman at the front door and asked her how much she would charge him to paint his porch. She stated that she would charge him 25$. He thought to himself what a deal since his porch was a long wrap around. The blonde also added that she would be done by the end of the day. The man thought to himself, this is too good to be true! and left for work for the day. When he arrived home he noticed that his porch didnt even have a drop of paint on it. He went around the back and shrieked in horror as he seen the blonde putting the last bit of green paint on his new firebird.

what did you do to my firebird! shrieked the man.

….Firebird?

questioned the blonde.

…and all this time I thought it was the porsche

Ramón, un camionero robusto y fornido, lleva su carga para el interior del país en época de carnaval. El día va transcurriendo a medida que canta su canción:

Yo soy Ramón, el más machón y manejo este camión…

Entre canto y canto, advierte que una monja está haciendo autostop. Se detiene, y la religiosa sube al camión. Él sigue cantando su canción, cuando aquella le propone que hagan el amor. Ramón, siempre dispuesto, accede.

La hermana le pide a Ramón que mejor lo hagan por detrás, ya que por delante la revisan al llegar convento. Sin problema, aquel acepta. Después de apañarse por un rato, suben de nuevo al camión y Ramón, más melodioso que nunca, continúa:

Yo soy Ramón, el más machón y manejo este camión…

Espontáneamente, la monja corea a Ramón y comienza a cantar:

Yo soy Pascual, homosexual y me disfrazo en carnaval…

What do you get when you cross a Rotweiler with a Collie?

A dog who bites off your arm and gos to get help.

A woman was complaining to her neighbor that she suspected her husband was cheating on her because he always came home at extremely late hours.

The neighbor said, Dear, try what I did. One night, when my husband came home at 3 a.m. I called out, Is that you Jeffrey? He never came home late again.



Thats rediculous! Just calling his name made him stop? replied the neighbor with disbelief.



You dont understand. replied the lady, My husbands name is Thomas.

One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged at this that she came over and shouted at me, You should be hung.

I calmly replied, I am. Thats why she cuts the grass.