Old and New Jokes

Jan. 1 2002
Catch up on gardening. Sew leaves back onto trees. Do all cooking for 2022.

Jan. 8
Freshen air in home by sliding a dozen Dr. Scholls shoe inserts into heat pump.

Jan. 10
Make steel wool from mussel beards saved over the years.

Jan. 13
Spin silk cord to garrote squid; fill fountain pen with the ink and hand write staff their dismissal notes.

Jan. 15
MLK birthday. Find out who MLK is.

Jan. 21
Culture ancient DNA into dinosaurs for nieces and nephews.

Jan. 25
Receive delivery of new phone books. Old ones make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of all the people you do not know.

Jan. 26
Review the Christmas 96 show and try to understand why Julia Child is much beloved even though her croquembouche was very much askew.

Jan. 28
Attend workshop on obsessive-compulsive disorders. Take verbatim notes.

Jan. 31
Gild lilies.

You might be a redneck if…
You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.

Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do

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A rabbi, a minister, and a priest were playing poker when the police

raided the game. Turning to the priest, the lead police officer

said, Father Murphy, were you gambling?

Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispered, Lord, forgive me

for what I am about to do. To the police officer, he then said,

No, officer; I was not gambling.

The officer then asked the minister, Pastor Johnson, were you

gambling?

Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replied, No,

officer; I was not gambling.

Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asked, Rabbi Goldstein,

were you gambling?

Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replied, With whom?

A ducks walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesnt serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?"Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar! The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, Got any nails? Confused, the bartenders says no. Good! says the duck. Got any grapes?

Q: How many lead trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Fifty. One to do it and the others to stand around and say, I could do that better.

Q: How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None: It should be obvious to an intelligent user.

Un tipo se queja con su médico:

“Doctor, mi esposa es frígida y no logro excitarla con nada”.

El especialista saca de su botiquín unas pastillas y se las da.

“Ponga una de estas pastillas en el café de su esposa antes de acostarse y verá como reacciona ella”.

Por la noche, el marido pone una de las pastillas en el café de su mujer y piensa:

‘Mi mujer es muy fría, mejor le pongo dos’.

Duda por un momento y decide ponerle otra más. Antes de acostarse, el marido vuelve a titubear:

‘Le puse tres pastillas, ¿y si ahora no estoy a la altura? Mejor me tomo yo también tres pastillas’.

A media noche, la mujer se despierta jadeando y le reclama a su marido:

“¡¡Necesito un hombre!!”

El marido, gimiendo de la misma manera, responde:

“¡¡Yo también!!”

It was about a month ago when a Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his Priest.

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWll, I hid a Jewish man in my attic.



Well, answered the Priest, Thats no a sin.



But I made him pay me 20 gulden for each week he stayed.



I admit that wasnt good, but you did it for a good cause.



Oh thank you Father; that eases my mind. Father, I have one more question.



What is it son.



Do I have to tell him the war is over?

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Valencia!
Valencia who?
Valenicia dollar, will you pay it back?

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went.

Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, If he gets loose, will he hurt us?