Patient: Doctor, youve got to help me. Every night I get the uncontrollable urge to go downstairs and stick my dick into the biscuit tin. Do you know whats wrong with me?
Doctor: Yes… Youre fucking crackers!
16
May
16
May
Q: How do you get a blonde out of a tree? A: You wave at her
16
May
Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldnt wake up the sleeping pills.
16
May
A man asked his wife, What would you most like for your birthday?
She said, Id love to be ten again.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park, the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. Everything there was, she had a go.
She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Into McDonalds they went, where she was given a Double Big Mac with extra fries and a strawberry shake. Then off to a movie theater, more burgers, popcorn, cola and sweets. At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
Her husband leaned over and asked, Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?
One eye opened and she groaned, Actually I meant dress size.
16
May
A Dutchman, a German and a Belgian are planning to walk in the desert.
The Dutchman says: Ill bring an umbrella for the shade when it gets too hot.
The German says: Ill bring some sunglasses. This sun can really destroy your eyes!
The Belgian remains silent.
Next day, the Dutchman and the German are astonished. Whats that? they both shout.
The Belgian answers: Its a car door. Now I can open the window when it gets hot…
16
May
One Sunday a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said hed like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor.
He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, Ill take him and him and him!
16
May
Dear GOD,
Please make me less ATTENTION-SEEKING and more HUMBLE.
But be sure to inform ME that youre coming to my front door. I cant help it that I have LEGIONS of fans and paparazzi waiting for a GLIMPSE of ME. Those peasants can queue the WHOLE DAY to get my autograph.
*PURR*
Thank You!!!!
From the ALMIGHTY LEO
P/S: DONT YOU JUST LOVE THE ROYAL OL ME? NOW, BOW TO ME ALREADY!
16
May
Yo Momma so fat when she sat on a dollar she made change.
15
May
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.
Sign in a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
Sign in the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.
Sign on the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.
Detour sign in Kobe, Japan: Stop: Drive Sideways.
15
May
Yo mama so ugly for Halloween she trick or treats on the phone!