33. If you get more sleep in class than in your room

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, Daaady!

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the no haggle attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, Maybe Ill just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!

The shopkeeper said, By all means, be my guest. Maybe youll luck out and catch yourself a big one!

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.

She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, – Damn it, this one isnt wearing any shoes either!!!

Why Dogs are Better than Women:

Dogs dont cry. Dogs love it when your friends come over. Dogs dont care if you use their shampoo. Dogs think you sing great. A dogs time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink. Dogs dont expect you to call when you are running late, and the later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you. Dogs dont care if you play with other dogs. Dogs dont notice if you call them by another dogs name. Dogs are excited by rough play. Dogs dont mind if you give their offspring away. Dogs love red meat. Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair. Anyone can get a good-looking dog. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs dont hate it. Dogs dont shop. Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor. A dogs disposition stays the same all month long. Dogs never need to examine the relationship. A dogs parents never visit. Dogs love long car trips. Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions. Dogs know that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted. When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can shoot it. Dogs dont hate their bodies. No dog ever bought a Kenny G or Hootie & the Blowfish album. No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood. Dogs never criticize. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across. Dogs never expect gifts. Its legal to keep a dog chained up at your house. Dogs dont worry about germs. Dogs dont want to know about every other dog you ever had. Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your wallet, desk, and the back of your sock drawer. Dogs dont let magazine articles guide their lives. Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than lobster. You never have to wait for a dog. Theyre ready to go 24 hours a day. Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry. Dogs dont borrow your shirts. Dogs never want foot-rubs. Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public. Dogs find you amusing when youre drunk. Dogs cant talk. Dogs arent catty.

For those of you planning on seeing the third LOTR movie at the theater her are some survival tips.
1. Stand up halfway through the movie and yell loudly, Wait… where the hell is Harry Potter?
2. Block the entrance to the theater while screaming: YOU SHALL NOT PASS! – After the movie, say Lucas could have done it better.
3. At some point during the movie, stand up and shout: I must go! Middle Earth needs me! and run and try to jump into the screen. After bouncing off, return quietly to your seat.
4. Play a drinking game where you have to take a sip every time someone says: The Ring.
5. Point and laugh whenever someone dies.
6. Ask the nearest ring-nut if he thinks Gandalf went to Hogwarts
7. Finish off every one of Elronds lines with Mr. Anderson.
8. When Aragorn is crowned king, stand up and at the top of your lungs sing, And I did it…. MY way…!
9. At the end, complain that Gollum was offensive to Ethiopians
10. Talk like Gollum all through the movie. At the end, bite off someones finger and fall down the stairs.
11. When Shelob appears, pinch the guy in front of you on the back of the neck.
12. Dress up as old ladies and reenact The Battle of Helms Deep Monty Python style.
13. When Denethor lights the fire, shout Barbecue!
14. Ask people around you who they think is the next Terminator sent from the Middle Earth of the future to assassinate Frodo Baggins
15. In TTT when the Ents decide to march to war, stand up and shout RUN FOREST, RUN!
16. Every time someone kills an Orc, yell: Thats what Im Tolkien about! See how long it takes before you get kicked out of the theatre.
17. During a wide shot of a battle, inquire, Wheres Waldo?
18. Talk loudly about how you heard that there is a single frame of a nude Elf hidden somewhere in the movie.
19. Start an Orc sing-a-long.
20. Come to the premiere dressed as Frankenfurter and wander around looking terribly confused.

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.Yes, he said. I do. My father taught me. Good. What comes after three. Four, answers the boy.What comes after six? Seven.Very good, says the teacher. Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?A Jack.

When you write copy you have the right to copyright the copy you write, if the copy is right. If however, your copy falls over, you must right your copy. If you write religious services you write rite, and have the right to copyright the rite you write.

Very conservative people write right copy, and have the right to copyright the right copy they write. A right wing cleric would write right rite, and has the right to copyright the right rite he has the right to write. His editor has the job of making the right rite copy right before the copyright can be right.

Should Thom Wright decide to write right rite, then Wright would write right rite, which Wright has the right to copyright. Duplicating that rite would copy Wright right rite, and violate copyright, which Wright would have the right to right.

Right?

Copyright 1991 Shelley Herman S.P.E.B.S.Q.S.A., Whittier Chapter

A Texan in New York City needed to call a nearby community from a pay phone.
Deposit $1.85 please, instructed the operator. Pulling himself up to full
height and dropping into his thickest Texas drawl, he objected, Maam, Im
from Texas, and in Texas we can place a call to Hell and back for $1.85!
I understand, sir, retorted the operator, but in Texas, thats a local call.

Dave Dodson
Richardson, TX

Q: Why do Blondes take the pill?

A: So they know what day of the week it is.

Sam arrived home from work early one afternoon only to surprise his wife busily engaged with a midget in bed.

After chasing the rogue away, Sam liberally expressed his dismay to his wayward spouse. I just dont know what to do with you! he said, shaking his head.

Weve talked about this over and over. Weve spent hours with the marriage counselor. I was really starting to believe that I could trust you again.

I know, I know… acknowledged the wife contritely. But at least Im cutting back!