Old and New Jokes

Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen.

To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what theyre doing they can be ready in two minutes.

Women, on the other hand, are like fire. Were very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right to get a real flame going.

Men and women all in all, behave just like our basic sexual elements. If you watch single men on a weekend night they really act very much like sperm – all disorganized, bumping into their friends, swimming in the wrong direction.

I was first.

Let me through.

Youre on my tail.

Thats my spot. Theyre like the Three Billion Stooges.

But the woman is like the egg – very cool: Well, whos it going to be? I can divide. I can wait a month. Im not swimming anywhere.

Nothing.

After successfully passing the bar exam, a man opened his own law office. He
was sitting idle at his desk when his secretary announced that a Mr. Jones had
arrived to see him. Show him right in! our lawyer replied. As Mr. Jones was
being ushered in our lawyer had an idea. He quickly picks up the phone and
shouts into it …and you tell them that we wont accept less then fifty
thousand dollars, and dont even call me until you agree to that amount!
Slamming the phone down he stood up and greeted Mr. Jones; Good Morning, Mr.
Jones, what can I do for you?

Im from the phone company, Mr. Jones replied, Im here to connect your
phone.

Dogfish

In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8 X 10 cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 6 X 8 cubicle. In prison you get three meals a day. At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one. In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work. In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. In prison you can watch TV and play games. At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games. In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere. At work you are just ball-and-chained. In prison you get your own loot. At work you have to share. In prison they allow your family and friends to visit. At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends. In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required. At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners. In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars. In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time. At work there are some programs you can never get out of. In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic. At work we have managers.

A woman asks her husband if hed like some breakfast. Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?

He declines. Its this Viagra, he says, Its really taken the edge off my appetite.

At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?

Again he declines. No, thanks. Its this Viagra, he says, Its really taken the edge off my appetite.

At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? Thatll only take a couple of minutes.

Once more, he declines. Again, thanks, but its this Viagra. Its really taken the edge off my appetite.

Well, then, she says, Would you mind getting off me? Im STARVING!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Jussi!
Jussi who!
Jussi fruit!

During his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, this fellow asked his barber for any suggestions on how to treat his increasing baldness.

After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided that the best thing hed come across was, er, female juices.

But youre balder than I am, protested the customer.

True, admitted the barber, but youve gotta admit Ive got one hell of a moustache!

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers.



The first boy says, My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, and they give him $50.



The second boy says, Thats nothing. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, and they give him $100.



The third boy says, I got you both beat. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!