Worried because they hadnt heard anything for days from the widow in the neighboring apartment, Mrs. Silver said to her son,
Timmy, would you go next door and see how old Mrs. Goldberg is?
A few minutes later, Timmy returned.
Well, asked Mrs. Silver, is she all right?
Shes fine, except that now shes angry with you.
At me? the woman exlaimed. Whatever for?
She said Its none of your business how old she is.
A bloke walks into a butchers and says to the butcher are you a betting man?
Yes replied the butcher.
Well I bet you a tenner you cant reach those pieces of meat up on that wall
Im not taking that on says the butcher
I thought you were a betting man says the bloke
I am, … but the steaks are too high!
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is
smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg is frowning and looking a bit upset. The egg
mutters to no-one in particular, Well, I guess we
finally answered THAT question!
Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. Shetold them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammedthe door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact,bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the dooragain with the same result-the door bounced back open.Convinced these rude youngpeople were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that wouldteach them a lesson, when one of them said, "Maam, before you do that again, you needto move your cat."
Llega el director de la CIA muy apurado a ver al Presidente y le dice:
¡Señor presidente, hay que hacer algo…! Esos malditos rusos han enviado unas naves enormes a la Luna, y la están pintando de rojo…
¿Ah sÃ…? ¿Cuánto llevan pintado ya…?
¡Como una quinta parte, señor presidente…!
Está bien. Manténgame informado.
Un rato después llega el director de la CIA otra vez a todo correr:
¡Señor presidente…! ¡Ya llevan la mitad de la Luna pintada de rojo…!
Mantengamos la calma, señor director. Manténgame informado de sus avances.
Al rato, llega el director de la CIA todo desconsolado:
¡Señor presidente: los rusos acaban de pintar TODA la Luna de rojo…!
¿Toda?
¡Toda!
Muy bien. Llame a Cabo Cañaveral y dÃgales que envÃen una nave cargada de pintura blanca, para que le pinten encima: Tome Coca Cola.
Q. What is the definition of confusion?
A. Two blind lesbians in a fish market.
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.
59. If your roommate goes away for a weekend, change the locks.
Diamonds are a girls best friend. Dogs are mans best friend. So which is the dumber sex?
Did you hear about the new computer virus?
Its called the Lorena Bobbit Virus.
Apparently, it turns your hard drive into a 3 1/2 inch floppy!
Original List (age 22):
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover.
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32):
1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week.
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42):
1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesnt drive off until Im in the car
3. Works steady — splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when Im talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends.
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52):
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesnt belch or scratch in public
3. Doesnt borrow money too often
4. Doesnt nod off to sleep when Im venting
5. Doesnt re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers my name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends.
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62):
1. Doesnt scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesnt require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why hes laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that its the weekend.
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72):
1. Breathing
2. Doesnt miss the toilet