Patient: Im in a hospital! Why am I in here?
Doctor: Youve had an accident involving a bus.
Patient: What happened?
Doctor: Well, Ive got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?
Patient: Give me the bad news first.
Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.
Patient: Thats terrible! Whats the good news?
Doctor: Theres a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.
Hey, what are you going to do for a face when the baboon wants its ass back!
Oracularities are the distilled wisdom and sagacity of the Usenet
Oracle, as incarnated as its numerous e-mail participants (only you and
the Oracle know who you are). This collection is from the series of
regular Oracularities postings to rec.humor.
Stephen Kinzler, Chief Oracular Slave
kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu
#83
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The good thing about having a bad runny nose around the holidays is that you dont have to lick all those stamps and envelopes when you send out cards.
– Shaheen Tonse
It
is the year 2032, and a father and his son walk the
streets of lower Manhattan. Approaching the site where
the WTC used to be in the end of the 20th century, the
father sighs and comments, "to think that right
here used to be the Twin Towers…"
The son, not understanding, asks his father "What
are the Twin Towers?" The father smiles and looks
at the son, and explains, "The Twin Towers were
two huge buildings that used to be here until 2001,
when the Arabs destroyed them."
The son looks up to his father, and asks, "And
what are the Arabs?"
A guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender says, No pets allowed. The man replied, This is a special dog. Turn on the Jets game and youll see. The bartender, anxious to see what will happen, turns on the game. The guy says, Watch. Whenever the Jets score, my dog does flips. The Jets keep scoring field goals and the dog keeps flipping and jumping. Wow! Thats one helluva dog you got there! What happens when the Jets score a touchdown? The man replied, I dont know. Ive only had him for 7 years!
There was once a clairvoyant little boy, who could foresee the future. One night while saying his prayers, the little boy was heard to finish, God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, goodbye Grandpa. The next day his grandfather dropped dead of a heart attack.
A few weeks later, the little boy was praying, God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, goodbye Grandma. The next day his poor grandmother was hit by a bus while crossing the street — she never felt a thing.
A month or so later, the little boy was praying and said, God bless Mommy, goodbye Daddy.
His father panicked. He had himself driven, very carefully and slowly, to work, by an armed guard in an armored security truck he hired. He couldnt concentrate, however, thinking about those words, Goodbye Daddy. He finally came home early, but very carefully.
He was met at the front door by his wife, who said, What do you think happened today, dear? The most awful thing — the milkman dropped dead on the back porch.
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.
The Monsignor replied, When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.
So, next Sunday he took the Monsignors advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got so nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door.
1. Sip the vodka; dont gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not beat his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late JC.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath; he did not kick the crap out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, dont say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T.
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, Take this and eat it for it is my body. He did not say, Eat me.
12. The Virgin Mary is not called Mary with the cherry.
13. The recommended Grace before a meal is not, Rub-a-dub dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at Saint Peters, not a peter-pulling contest at Saint Taffys.
The Lone Ranger and Tonto had been rounding up bad guys all day, and were
in big-time need of a beer. They rode their horses as fast as they could
to the nearest town, and tied them to the rail outside the saloon.
The Lone Ranger told Tonto to stay outside a little while and run around
Silver real fast so that Silver doesnt get sick from overheating.
Tonto said, Sure thing, Kemosabe, and did as he was asked.
While the Lone Ranger was inside having his beer, a stranger walked in and
asked, Who owns that big white stallion tied up outside?
I do, said the Lone Ranger, whats it to you?
The stranger ordered a beer, turned to Lone Ranger and said, Nothin to
me, Pardner, but you left your injun runnin
If you took an IQ test, the results would be negative.