Heard from my sister-in-law, cant say where she heard it.
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his
wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns
over and says, Im sorry honey, Ive got a Gyn. appointment tomorrow.
The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. Later, he rolls
back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear
Do you have a Dentist appointment tomorrow too?
Scientists are planning to put 300 head of cattle into orbit. Itll be the herd shot round the world.
If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a better job … someday.
The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG 14 times gives you job security.
If you think were a bad company, you should see our competition.
Rome didnt create a great empire by having meetings. They did it by killing all those that opposed them.
We put the k in kwality.
We build great products when we feel like it and dont have any reason to call in sick.
If at first you dont succeed, try management.
Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
Pride. Commitment. Teamwork. Words we use to get you to work for free.
This old gentlemans dear old dog passed away. He was so attached to that dog that he went to his
Rabbi and asked if the Rabbi would say kadish for the dog.
The Rabbi said, No, we only say kadish for humans, not animals.
However there is a new congregation two blocks down the street from here.
You can go there and ask if they will bless your dog.
The man thanked the Rabbi and said, Do you suppose they would also accept my donation of $75,000?
The Rabbi said, Hold it — come back. You didnt tell me the dog was Jewish.
The Bosnian peace talks continued in Geneva today. The only thing
that Alija Izetbegovic, Radovan Karadzic and Slobodan Milosovic could
agree on was that John Major has a funny name.
The Clinton Administration: Stupid is as stupid does.
Un tipo se va a casar y en su fiesta de despedida de soltero se emborracha de tal forma que cuando va al baño se agarra el pene con la puerta, accidentándose. Sus amigos le llevan de urgencia con un médico, quien después de examinarle hace la siguiente recomendación:
Esto luce muy mal… voy a tener que entablillársela.
¿Entablillar?. No puede ser, yo me caso mañana.
Pues decida… hay que entablillar ahora mismo o habrá que amputar en dos o tres dÃas.
El tipo presionado por el peligro que implica perder la joya familiar, decide que se la entablillen allà mismo.
Al otro dÃa llega a la habitación del hotel con su nueva esposa, quien se va directamente al baño a prepararse, a lo que el marido se desnuda y se mete en la cama a esperarla pacientemente. Al salir desnuda, la mujer se para frente a él provocativamente y le dice con cara de inocente:
Mira como me he conservado virgen para ti durante todo este tiempo.
A lo que él destapándose de una vez le dice pÃcaramente:
Y yo, mÃrame a mÃ, ni siquiera la he desempacado…
Drinkers Alphabet
A is for Alcohol :The key to surviving college
B is for Beer :The most disgusting alcohol of all, but great for chugging
C is for Class :What youre supposed to get up and go to after a Thursday night party
D is for Dancing :A favorite pastime of almost every drunk, usually looks pathetic
E is for Emergency :The keg is empty or there is no one over 21 in your drinking party
F is for Fucked-Up :Signified by leaning over a toilet puking your guts out
G is for Games :Anything that involves cards, dice and chugging beers
H is for Hang-over :Reminds you of how great last night was and how much you drank
I is for Idiot :The guy that spilled his beer on you and everyone else at the party
J is for Jail :Where youll end up after trying to use a fake ID or stagger home
K is for Kissing :What youll do to anything that moves after 15 beers
L is for Lord :Person you beg to get you out of every situation involving alcohol
M is for Money :That which you no longer have due to too much partying
N is for Not Again! :What you scream when you wake up beside someone you dont know
P is for Pee :What you have to do every five minutes while youre drinking beer
Q is for Quilt :What you puked on last night in bed and have to clean in the morning
R is for Reform :What you promise god you will do while youre puking in the toilet
S is for Sex :What you did with that person you met last night while you were drunk
T is for Ten :The number of beers it takes ME to get drunk
U is for Underage :Most of the drinking population in college town
V is for Vodka :The mother of all alcohols and the best way to get drunk in an hour
W is for Worm :The part of Tequila that reminds you of Biology class tomorrow
X is for X-Ray :How they can see into your stomach before they pump it
Y is for Yourself :The one who drinks WAY TOO MUCH every week-end
Z is for Zoned :How you will be for the next 12 hours following drinking
Hark! The Streptococcus Brings
(Melody: Hark! The Herald = Angels Sing)
Hark! the Streptococcus brings
Strep sore throat to all who sing,
Chloraseptic doesnt cure it
Other peoples sneezing lures it.
If the strep bug has a virus
Scarlet fever then arises,
Cross reaction with the heart
Causes it to come apart,
Hark! the Streptococcus totes,
Toxin and fire to all it smotes.
Pneumonia makes you cough and wheeze,
Mucus fills the lungs with sleaze
A viscous greenish oozing cloak,
That causes you to gasp and choke
Without water you can drown
If you breathe the strep germ down
Hark! The Streptococcus breeds
The misery of a bad disease
Of fecal strep in food beware,
Methane gas befouls the air,
Speedily you drop your pants
As if they held live fire ants
On the toilet you are dying
Bent in pain, guts liquefying
Hail! the Streptococcus means
Glory to those who would be lean
A little humility is arrogance.