Old and New Jokes

These quotes were taken from actual performance evaluations,

Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
I would not allow this employee to breed.
This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely wont be.
Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
This employee should go far – and the sooner he starts, the better.

Q. What happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?

A. He stands taller and straighter.

A blonde carpenter was fixing up some wooden window frames on a 50-story building. He was using an electric saw and accidentally cut one of his ears off. A guy was walking along the street below him so he called out, Hey, you on the street, can you see my ear down there? The guy on the street picks up an ear saying, Is this it? No, was the reply from the blonde carpenter, mine had a pencil behind it.

A Nice Jewish Dog

A guy gets a new dog, a nice Jewish dog. So he calls him Irving.


He cant


wait to show him off to his neighbor, so when the neighbor


finally comes


over, the guy calls Irving into the house, bragging about how


smart he is.

The dog quickly comes running and stands looking up at his


master, tail


wagging excitedly, mouth open, tongue hanging out, eyes bright


with


anticipation.

The guy points to the newspaper by the door and commands Okay,


Irving,


Fetch!

Immediately, the dog climbs on to the couch and sits, his tail


wagging


furiously. Then all of a sudden, he stops. His doggie smile


disappears. He


starts to frown and puts on a sour face.

Looking up at his master, he whines, You think this is easy,


wagging my


tail all the time? Oy … This constant wagging of the tail puts


me in


such pain, you should only know! And you think its easy eating


that dreck


you call designer dog food. Forget it…its too salty and it


gives me


gas. And also the runs, but what do you care? Why dont you try


it if you


think its so good? You try it. Dreck I say! Then you push me


out the door


to take care of my business, twice a day. Its disgusting I tell


you! And


when was the last time you took me for a nice long walk? I cant


remember


when!

The neighbor is absolutely amazed … stunned. In astonishment,


he says,


I cant believe it. Irving can speak. Your dog actually talks.


Here he is


sitting on the sofa talking to us.

I know, I know. says the owner. Hes not yet fully trained


yet. He


thought I said, Kvetch.

Tell them you cant come.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Ida!
Ida who?
Idaho, not Ida-who, cant you say it!

Yo mama so fat even her clothes have stretch marks!

For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

See if they can do it again.

——————————————————————————–

For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Ask them how they did it and

See if they can do it again.

——————————————————————————–

For the third bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Try to reproduce it

Ask them how they did it and

See if they can do it again.

——————————————————————————–

For the fourth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Run with the debugger

Try to reproduce it

Ask them how they did it and

See if they can do it again.

——————————————————————————–

For the fifth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Ask for a dump

Run with the debugger

Try to reproduce it

Ask them how they did it and

See if they can do it again.

——————————————————————————–

For the sixth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Reinstall the software

Ask for a dump

Run with the debugger

Try to reproduce it

Ask them how they did it and

See if they can do it again.

——————————————————————————–

For the seventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Say they need an upgrade

Reinstall the software

Ask for a dump

Run with the debugger

Try to reproduce it

Ask them how they did it and

See if they can do it again.

——————————————————————————–

For the eighth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Find a way around it

Say they need an upgrade

Reinstall the software

Ask for a dump

Run with the debugger

Try to reproduce it

Ask them how they did it and

See if they can do it again.

——————————————————————————–

For the ninth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Blame it on the hardware

Find a way around it

Say they need an upgrade

Reinstall the software

Ask for a dump

Run with the debugger

Try to reproduce it

Ask them how they did it and

See if they can do it again.

——————————————————————————–

For the tenth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Change the documentation

Blame it on the hardware

Find a way around it

Say they need an upgrade

Reinstall the software

Ask for a dump

Run with the debugger

Try to reproduce it

Ask them how they did it and

See if they can do it again.

——————————————————————————–

For the eleventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Say its not supported

Change the documentation

Blame it on the hardware

Find a way around it

Say they need an upgrade

Reinstall the software

Ask for a dump

Run with the debugger

Try to reproduce it

Ask them how they did it and

See if they can do it again.

——————————————————————————–

For the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Tell them its a feature

Say its not supported

Change the documentation

Blame it on the hardware

Find a way around it

Say they need an upgrade

Reinstall the software

Ask for a dump

Run with the debugger

Try to reproduce it

Ask them how they did it and

See if they can do it again.

At the end of the night a man leaves the bar.

Outside he sees a nun. He walks over to her and slaps her in the face. Then he punches her in the stomach and knocks her over.



He proceeds to kick her several times and when hes done he bends down to her and says, not so tough tonight, are you Batman?

Twas the night before Christmas And all through the trailer

Not a creature was stirrin Cept a redneck named Taylor.

His first name was Bubba, Joe was his middle,

And a-runnin down his chin Was a trickle of spittle.

His socks, they were hung by the chimney with care,

And therefore there was a foul stench in the air.



That Bubba got scared And rousted the boys.

There was Rufus, 12; Jim Bob was 11;

Dud goin on 10; Otis was 7.

John, George and Chucky Were 5,4, and 3:

The twins were both girls So they let them be.



They jumped in their overalls, No need for a shirt,

Threw a hat on each head, Then turned with a jerk.

They ran to the gun rack That hung on the wall.

There were 17 shotguns; They grabbed them all.



Bubba said to the younguns, Now hesh up yall!

The last thing we wanna do Is wake up yer Maw.

Maw was expecting And needed her sleep,

So out they crept out the door without making a peep.



They all looked around, and then they all spit.

The younguns asked Bubba, Paw, what is it?

Bubba just stared; He could not say a word.

This was just like all of the stories hed heard.



It was Santy Claus on the roof, Darn tootin

But the boys didnt know; They was about to start shootin!

They aimed their shotguns and nearly made a mistake

That would have resulted in venison steak.

Bubba hollered out, Dont shoot, boys!

Thats Santy Claus And hes brought us some toys.



The dogs were a-barkin And a-raisin cain,

And Bubba whistled, and shouted, And called them by name.

Down, Spot! Shut up Bullet! Quiet, Pete and Roscoe!

Git, Turnip and Tater and Sam and Bosco!



Git down from that porch! Git down off that wall!

Quit shakin the trailer, Or youll make Santy fall!

The dogs kept a-barkin And wouldnt shut up,

And they trampled poor Pete Who was only a pup.



Santy opened his bag, And threw out some toys.

Bubba got most, But left a few for the boys.

Since the guns had been dropped He just might not die.



He jumped in his sleigh, Told his reindeer to hurry.

The trailer started to wobble Santa started to worry.

Just as the reindeer Got into the air,

The trailer collapsed, But Bubba didnt care.



He was busy lookin At all his new toys.

Then a thought hit him, And he said to the boys:

Go check on yer Maw, Make sure shes all right.

That roof fallin on her Could-a hurt just a might.



But Maw was OK, And the girls were too.

They fixed up the trailer; It looked good as new.

And as for Bubba, He liked Old St. Nick,

But Santa thought Bubba Was a pure-in-tee hick!



Bubba had a nice Christmas, And the boys did, too.

And the Taylors wish A Merry Christmas to you!