This is what you need to do. Please read these instructions carefully before beginning.
Tools needed: one hammer, one scredriver, one pair of pliers, one heavy-duty pair of wire cutters, one bucket of saline water, a box of sani-wipes.
Jokes Stop payment on any checks that you may have sent to your Internet Service Provider (GOD).
If GOD is unresponsive and you are still receiving mail from this list, you will need to find the mailhost. This is a machine usually located in a locked office. Every day around noon, the mailman will deliver a box of diskettes with that days mail messages, including yours from this list, to this machine. Typically, only a handful of people have keys to the mailhost. The reason why this machine is locked up is because this is typically the best, fastest, most powerful computer at your facility and the people with keys dont want to share it. If you must, break or pry the door down with one (1) hammer (you did get all the tools needed?).
find the ON/OFF switch for this machine. Using the pliers, set the switch to the OFF position by tugging downwards until the disposable plastic switch breaks away from the computer casing. Discard the disposable plastic switch in an environmental-friendly manner. This will alert the mailman to not deliver the diskettes with the messages to the mailhost not unlike the little red flag found on mailboxes. This should resolve your mail problem immediately.
You may experience a recurrence of mail within 72 hours. If this should happen, you will need to disable the mailhost once again with more forceful measures. Repeat Step #2. Dont be suprised if there is a sturdier door in place than the one you destroyed previously. This is due to the fact that the Have Key clique found out that someone has seen their private stash of computer equipment.
After you have once again regained entry into the mailhost room, open up the back of the mailhost. There may be a large tv-like device on top of the mailhost You will need to remove this first. Take your wire cutters, and cut any cables binding the tv-like device to the mailhost. Set the tv-like device to the side. With your screwdriver, remove each and every screw that you can find on the mailhost. Once this is done, the mailhost should break away into two or more pieces.
Find a large box with a fan attached to it. It will be clearly marked with the following labels: Danger, High Voltage, Do not open – no user-servicable parts. Dont worry, these labels are merely in place to satisfy OSHA requirements and you are not in any danger at all. Take the bucket of saline water and pour it into any vents or ports that the large box may have. Any extra water should be poured directly into the computer chassis, be sure to properly soak each and every component.
In the event of fire (OSHA has been known to be right on occassion), douse any flames with the sani-wipes. This solution is provided without warranty. It is not bio-degradable or fat-free. In the event of sudden death, contact a physician immediately.
They cant string three Ws together.
I always give 100% at my work:15% on Monday
25% on Tuesday
35% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday
and 5% on Friday
There are a lot of folks that cant understand how we ran out of oil here in the USA.
Well, heres the answer: Its simple. nobody bothered to check the oil.
Didnt know we were getting low. And of course the reason for that is geographical.
All the oil is in Alaska, Texas, and Oklahoma,
and all the dipsticks are in Washington, D.C.
Q: How many people does it take to throw away a one WATT bulb??
A: Five. A Black, a Jew, two women, and a cripple…
Note: Topical to the resignation of Interior secretary James Watt in 1983
A young mother was having a consultation with a doctor.
As they spoke, her Little Johnny could clearly be heard terrorizing the people in the waiting room – yet she made no attempt to restrain him.
Soon they heard some clattering in an adjoining room, but still she did nothing.
Finally, after an extra-loud crash, the woman casually told the doctor, I hope you dont mind my Little Johnny playing in there.
No, not at all, said the doctor calmly. Not at all. Im sure hell calm down as soon as he finds the poison.
Little Harley kept disrupting his third grade class by regularly letting loud farts. His teacher kept him after school. When she insisted on knowing why he exhibited such offensive behaviour, Little Harley said, I do it because I can do it better than anybody, and Im very proud of that fact.
The teacher says, If I show you I can do it better than you, will you stop?
Little Harley agreed and the teacher placed two pieces of paper on the floor with identical piles of chalk dust on each one. Harley dropped his pants, squatted down, farted and blew all but a tiny little speck of dust off the paper. The teacher dropped her panties, lifted her skirt, squatted down and farted but when she was done, and there was not a trace of chalk dust left on the paper.Harley was astonished and asked if he could see her do it again. She was willing and as she repeated the process, Harley peeked up underneath her skirt.
No wonder you won! he exclaimed indignantly, youve got a Double-Barrel!
28. If your room is so cold that your toilet freezes over
A man and woman where on their honeymoon after a long and very happy courtship. On their honeymoon, they decide to take their horses through the beautiful mountain passes of Europe. As the horses were crossing a small stream, the womans horse mis-steps and jostles the mans wife. Once across the stream, the man dismounts, walks over to the horse, and stares into its eyes. Finally, he states, Thats one. The man remounts his horse and they continue their ride.
A bit further down the path, the womans horse stumbles when stepping over a fallen tree. The man dismounts, stares the horse in the eyes, and boldly states, Thats two! He returns to his saddle and they move on.
As the afternoon sun began to set, the womans horse once again lost its footing on a mossy slope. The man dismounts, moves to the womans horse, and helps his wife out of the saddle the man. Moving to the front of the horse he stares it in the eyes and firmly says, Thats three, removes a pistol from his vest, and shots the horse dead.
The woman, quite upset at seeing the beautiful horse killed, says to her husband, Thats terrible, why would you do such a thing!
The man stares at his wife and firmly says, Thats one!
Dont try to have the last word; you might get it.