Old and New Jokes

There was a blonde and a brunette in an elevator. On their way down, they stop to pick up another person also on their way down. When the person got on, the girls noticed that he was pretty cute. Unfortunately he had dandruff. Finally, on the way off of the elevator the two girls let the guy go ahead of them. The brunette turns to the blonde and says Oh my god! We need to give him Head and Shoulders. The blonde then replies Thats a pretty good idea, but how are we going to give him shoulders?

A guy goes into a bar and says, Quick, gimme a beer before the trouble starts! The barman looks around the sleepy bar, shrugs and hands the guy a bottle of beer.

The guy drinks it fast. Quick! gimme another beer before the trouble starts!

The barman looks at the guy oddly but hands another beer to the guy.

The guy drinks it fast. Quick another beer before the trouble starts!

The barman hands him another beer, with a frown on his face, but hands it over reluctantly.

Again, the guy drinks it fast. Quick another beer before the trouble starts!

The barman replies, Look pal, exactly what trouble are you talking about?

I havent got any money!

(To The Tune Of Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer)

Rudolph the red nosed wino,

Had a very shiny nose,

And if you got too close to him,

He would take off his clothes.

All of the other winos,

Used to laugh and call him names,

They never let poor Rudolph,

Join in any wino games.

Then one chilly Christmas Eve,

Rudolph froze to death in an alley.

End of story.

This is a variation on another posted joke entitled, Mistaken Identity.

Brochstein walks up to a man in the street, taps him on the shoulder and when the man turns, he sends him sprawling to the ground with a solid zetz to the nose. He then says, take that, Rosenzweig, you lousy mamzer!! The victim replies, You think youre such a big man huh? Well, I bet you arent man enough to hit me again. Brochstein then lands an even more powerful blow. The victim says come on you feigele, lets see if you are man enough to really beat me up!

Brochstein gives the fellow a frightful thrashing and with his last ounce of stregnth, after being pummeled, the bleeding victim giggles and then manages to laugh even more heartily. Brochstein looks at him quizically and the beaten man somehow summons the effort to whisper to Brochstein, The joke is on you, Im not Rosenzweig, Im Horowowitz!

Q: What do you do if someones having a seizure in a bathtub?

A: Throw in a load of laundry.

A little girl jumps on Santas lap:

Girl: For Christmas, I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe.

Santa: Dont you know Barbie comes with Ken?

Girl: Oh no Santa, Barbie fakes it with Ken, she cums with G.I. Joe.

Theres a Buckeye fan from Ohio driving from Columbus to Ann Arbor, and a Wolverine fan driving from Ann Arbor driving to Columbus. In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head-on and both cars go flying off in different directions.
The Wolverine guy manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, Man, I am really lucky to be alive!
Likewise the Buckeye guy scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. He too says to himself, I cant believe I survived this wreck!
The Wolverine guy walks over to the Buckeye guy and says, Hey, man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of arch rivals.
The Buckeye guy thinks for a moment and says, You know, youre absolutely right! We should be friends. Now Im going to see what else surrvived this wreck. So the Buckeye guy pops open his trunk and finds a full, unopened bottle of Jack Daniels. He says to the Wolverine, I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our newfound understanding and friendship.
The Wolverine says, Youre right! And he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down the Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly half the bottle the Wolverine hands it back to the Buckeye and says, Your turn! The Buckeye twists the cap back on the bottle and says, Nahh, I think Ill wait for the cops to show up.

The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

A professor of a Freshman Psychology course had a class of 400 students. His final exam was scheduled very early 8am-10am.

The professor told his students that his final was not a cumulative final and just covered the information since the last midterm, so in essence, the final was just like a midterm and would only require 1 hour of the 2 hour alloted time. The professor told the students to bring a large Blue Book (fyi: a Blue Book is a standard testing tool used throughout many universities. Its basically a thin 10 blank pages of college ruled notebook paper with a blue cover. They are purchased at the student book store.) The professor was adament that the students were only going to have 1 hour and not one minute more to complete the essay style exam.

The students requested the exam to begin at 9am instead of 8am since they only had an hour. The professor denied the request because the professor prefered to use the second hour to begin grading the exams. The students moaned at the idea of waking up early.

On the morning of the exam, the test began at 8:10. At 8:35, a student walked in and picked up the test questions from the professor. The professor told the student he wouldnt have enough time to complete the test. The student replied Yes I will.

At 9:10, the professor stopped the test and all the students turned in their blue books as they exited the room. The late student continued to write. The professor began grading some the exams.

At 9:35, the student walked up to the desk to hand in his exam, and the professor told him it was unacceptable. The student in a surprised manner asked the professor, Do you know who I am? The professor replied, No, and I dont care.

The student said, Good, and he stuffed his exam in the middle of the stack of 300 blue books. Have a nice Summer said the student as he left the room.

You have ever had to stop at a car wash on the way to a funeral to wash the dump dirt from the back of your pickup so you can use it as a flower truck.

Your clawfoot bathtub has ever been unusable because your wife was using it as a brooder.

Your clawfoot bathtub sometimes serves as a hospital for injured fowl.