Old and New Jokes

Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A: Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces.

Q: Why are blonde jokes so easy to understand?
A: So brunettes can understand them.

Yo Mamas like the Pilsbury Doughboy. Everybody wants to poke her.

A new dean had just arrived at Modern University and thought she might well profit from a discussion with her predecessor who had recently resigned. During a lunncheon meeting she asked the former dean how he had managed crises. His response was to give her three envelopes with the instruction to open #1 with the first crisis, #2 with the second crisis, and #3 with the third crisis. She accepted the envelopes and the rest of the luncheon was spent on pleasantries.

Things went extremely well for her during the first six months. However, she then discovered a major problem in the budget: the year was only half over and it was clear that she was going to overspend her budget by 10%. The ruckus she caused by pulling funds back from departments, failing to keep commitments, etc., was such that she was facing her first major crisis. She opened envelope #1 to find that it stated Blame the prior dean for poor planning. This she did, and the crisis was muted.

The next year her curriculum committee recommended, and she implemented, a reduction in course requirements for graduation. Faculty from the affected departments were enraged, as they felt that they had not been appropriately consulted. The new dean, sensing her second crisis, opened envelope #2 which said: blame a faculty committee. To her amazement, this worked and the committee had to shoulder the blame for poor consultation.

Later that year she was preparing budgets for the following year and realized that she would not have enough funds to provide raises for faculty and staff because of some unanticipated captial costs. This caused a real uproar across the college. Confronting her third crisis, she opened envelope #3.

It said: Prepare three envelopes.

What goes in hard and comes out sticky and wet?

Bubble gum, you sicko!

I ran across this one in one of the local tabloids yesterday:

A 56 year old gentleman was arrested near White River Junction, VT in April after trying to break through a police rolling roadblock on I-89. Shaw, who was charged with DUI and other offenses, sa, I saw it so many times in the movies I had to try it.

(I wonder if he ever watched Son of Flubber and tried to fly as well?)

An old man on the beach said to a beautiful girl in a bikini, I want to feel your breasts!

Get away from me, you crazy old man! she replied.

I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars, he said.

Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!

I want to feel your breasts, I will give you $100! he stated.

NO! Get away from me!

$200, he offered.

She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and said, I said NO!

$500 if you let me feel your breasts, he claimed. She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough … and $500 IS a lot of money … Well, OK … but only for a minute.

She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel. Then he started saying, OH MY GOD … OH MY GOD … OH MY GOD … while he was caressing them.

Out of curiosity, she asked him, Why do you keep saying, Oh my God, oh my God?

While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, OH MY GOD … OH MY GOD … OH MY GOD … OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get $500?

(Heard on radio station CHNS, Halifax.)

There was a young fellow who was quite inventive and
was always trying out new things. One day he thought
hed see just how fast a bicycle could go before it
became uncontrollable. He asked his friend, who owned
an old Mustang, if he could tie his bike to the bumper
of his car to test his theory. His friend said,
Sure.

So the young man tied his bike to the back of the car
and said to his friend:

Ill ring my bike bell once if I want you to go
faster, twice if I want you maintain speed, and
repeatedly if I want you to slow down.

With that, off they went. Things were going pretty
well, with the car driver slowly speeding up to well
over 60 mph. The young fellow on the bike was handling
the speed just fine. But, all of sudden, a black
Corvette came up beside them and before you knew it
the fellow driving the Mustang forgot all about the
fellow on the bike and took to drag racing the
Corvette.

A little further down the road sat Officer John in his
police cruiser, radar gun at the ready. He heard the
two cars before his radar flashed 105 mph.

He called into headquarters on his radio: Hey, you
guys arent going to believe this, but theres a
Corvette and a Mustang racing out here on Highway 3,
and theres a guy on a bike ringing his bell and
waving his arms trying to pass them!

Stuart Watson, Dalhousie University, Halifax, Nova Scotia

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day.
Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell
the first one, Heavens getting pretty close to full today, and Ive
been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible
deaths.So whats your story?

So the first man replies: Well, for a while Ive suspected my wife has
been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her
red-handed.As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell
something was wrong, but all my searching around didnt reveal where
this other guy could have been hiding.Finally, I went out to the
balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing,
25 floors above ground!By now I was really mad, so I started beating
on him and kicking him, but wouldnt you know it, he wouldnt fall off.
So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting
hammering on his fingers.Of course, he couldnt stand that for long,
so he let go and fell — but even after 25 stories, he fell into the
bushes, stunned but okay.I couldnt stand it anymore, so I ran into
the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it
landed on him, killing him instantly.But all the stress and anger got
to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony.

That sounds like a pretty bad day to me, said Peter, and let the man
in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being
full, and again asks for his story.

Its been a very strange day.You see, I live on the 26th floor of
my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my
balcony.Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because
I fell over the edge.But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the
balcony on the floor below me.I knew I couldnt hang on for very
long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony.I thought
for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me.I
held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a
hammer and started pounding on my hands.Finally I just let go, but
again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all
right.Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this
refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly,
and now Im here.

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty
horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole
process was repeated.Peter explained that heaven was full and asked
for his story.

Picture this, says the third man, Im hiding naked inside a
refrigerator…

The cross eyed judge looked at the three defendants in the dock and he said to the first one, so how do you plead?,

Not guilty said the second defendant.

I wasnt talking to you the judge replied.

I never said a word the third defendant replied.