In the beginning was the Plan.
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form.
And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.
And the workers spoke among themselves, saying, This is crock of shit, and it stinks.
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, It is a pail of dung, and we cant live with the smell.
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it.
And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength.
And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong.
And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, It promotes growth, and it is very powerful..
And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him, This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company with very powerful effects.
And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.
And the Plan became Policy.
And that, my friends, is how shit happens.
Two friends, Bob and John were discussing sex before marriage.
John: I didnt sleep with my wife before we were married, did you?
Bob: Ahhhh….Im not sure. What was your wifes maiden name?
Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A: To turn the blinker off.
On the way home from the party, the woman said to her husband, Have I ever told you how handsome and sexy and irresistible to women you are?
Why no, said the husband, flattered.
Then what the hell gave you that idea at the party?! she yelled.
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the drivers side of the Lexus. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it. When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.
I cant believe how materialistic you lawyers are, he said. You are so focused on your possessions that you dont notice anything else.
How can you say such a thing? asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, Dont you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.
Ahhh! screamed the lawyer. Wheres my Rolex!"
There is an Englishman, a Frenchman and a Ukranian and the are in their final stages of training for the FBI. The agents explained to them their final test.
We have each one of your wives contained in separate cells and what you guys have to do in order to complete your FBI training is you have to prove your loyalty. You must grab that gun and go into your wifes cell and kill her.
The englishman grabbed the gun. Man I hate that bitch. She is going to get it good. He walked off into the cell and was in there for about a minute. There was just silence. He came out crying, Weve been maried too long. I just cant do it. So he was booted out.
The frenchman grabbed the gun. If I must, I must. He went into his wifes cell for about a minute and there was silence. He came walking out crying, I love her too much. I just cant do it. So he was booted out.
So the ukranian grabbed the gun and stormed into his wifes cell. That fucking bitch is really going to get it. Gun shots went off until there was no more shots left. He was still in the room and all of a sudden, there was banging and scrapping and crashing and then silence. The ukranian came out with cuts and briuses all over his face.
The agent asked, What the hell happened in there?
The Ukranian replied, Some fucker put blanks in the gun so I had to strangle the bitch!
One thing that has always bugged me, and Im sure it does most of you, is to sit down at the dinner table only to be interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating to them as they were to me. This particular call happened to be from AT&T and it went something like this:Me: HelloAT&T: Hello, this is AT&T…Me: Is this AT&T?AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T…Me: This is AT&T?AT&T: Yes This is AT&T…Me: Is this AT&T?AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron please?Me: May I ask who is calling?AT&T: This is AT&T.Me: OK, hold on.At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my
surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.Me: Hello?AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?Me: May I ask who is calling please?AT&T: Yes this is AT&T…Me: Is this AT&T?AT&T: Yes this is AT&T…Me: The phone company?AT&T: Yes sir.Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company.Me: I already have a phone.AT&T: We arent selling phones today Mr. Byron. We would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.Me: Now, thats 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes, Sir, thats right! 24 hours a day!Me: Now, thats 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?AT&T: Thats right.Me: 365 days a year?AT&T: Yes sir.Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! Thats amazing!AT&T: We think so!Me: Thats quite a sum of money!AT&T: Yes sir, its amazing how it adds up.Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?AT&T: Excuse me?Me: You know, the 10 cents a min
A man is in a bar and has one too many drinks. This beautiful lady sits down next to him. He turns to her and says Hey how bout it. You and me, gettin it on. Ive got a couple dollars and it looks like you could use a little money. She stands up and says, What makes you think I charge by the inch.
A woman was trying to make her husband go to church with her, but he refused. One day he asked her if she really believed in that stuff in the Bible about the whale swallowing Jonah, and she said, I believe it because the Bible says its true. She told him that when she got to Heaven she would ask Jonah about it.
Her husband said, What if he isnt in Heaven?
His wife replied, In that case, you ask him.