Old and New Jokes

10) Pretend you dont speak English.

9) Say “Hold on,” then scream to a nonexistent person: “If you try to take the knife out, itll just hurt worse!”

8) Burst into tears when money is mentioned.

7) Ask if the deal is good for all your personalities.

6) Tell them youll accept their offer if they can guess your color of underwear.

5) Repeat everything they say in the form of a question.
4) As soon as they identify themselves, say, “You guys are still in business? Well, I guess the bomb has another 30 seconds.”

3) Tell them the restraining order applies to phone calls as well as physical distance.

2) Mutter: “Aww, damn. Not another one. The last Jehovahs Witness almost got me the death penalty.”

1) HANG UP THE DARN PHONE!

Q: Why dont the monkeys in the jungle play poker any more?

A: There are just too many Cheetahs.

He can walk down the street and turn into a bar.

Did you hear about the blonde who tripped over her cordless phone?

She later locked herself in the bathroom and pissed herself because she couldnt hold it until someone came to rescue her.

1. Look at the size of his putter

2. Oh dang my shafts all bent

3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker

4. After 18 holes I can barely walk

5. My hands are so sweaty I cant get a good grip

6. Lift your head and spread your legs

7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired 8. Just turn your back and drop it

9. Hold up.. Ive got to wash my balls

10. Damn, I missed the hole again

Dont sweat the petty things, and dont pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
One nice thing about egotists: They dont talk about other people.
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
The older you get, the better you realize you were.
I doubt, therefore I might be.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Women like silent men, they think theyre listening.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he
will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery.
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If youre born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Why is it called tourist season if we cant shoot at them?

En una celebración de boda cuando ya andaba algo bebido un chico en una mesa dice:

Vais a ver todos ustedes como le voy a pedir baile a esa de rojo que hay en aquella mesa con la pamela del mismo color.

Acto seguido se dirije a la mesa y le dice:

¿Bailas conmigo guapa?

Pues no le contesta.

Ya me dirás el porqué.

Lo primero porque no sé bailar, lo segundo porque estás borracho, y lo tercero PORQUE SOY EL OBISPO.

In the mens room at work, the Boss had placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it — Think!



The next day, when he went to the mens room, he looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read — Thoap!

A fisherman got married and went to a mountain resort for the honeymoon.

The resort clerk saw the man at the pier fishing and asked, why are you fishing?



Shouldn?t you be making love to you?re new bride?



The fisherman said, Naw, she?s got gonorrhea, but that?s ok I like to fish.



The clerk said well you could turn her over and get some booty.



The fisherman said, Naw, she?s got diarrhea, but that?s ok I like to fish.



The clerk asked well couldn?t you at least get some head?



The fisherman said, Naw, she?s got pyorrhea, but that?s ok I like to fish.





The clerk now in disbelief says gonorrhea, diarrhea, pyorrhea, what the hell did you marry her for?





The fisherman said, She?s also got worms and you know I like to fish.

Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to fine art.