Old and New Jokes

Why is Stevie Wonder always Smiling?

Because he doesnt know hes black

A brunette and a blonde were speeding down the street when they passed a cop.
Oh no! cried the brunette. Is he following me?
Yep, replied the blonde.

Im going to drive down this little side road, okay? said the brunette.
Yep, replied the blonde.

Is the cop still following me?
Yep.

Is his lights on?
Yep, nope, yep, nope, yep, nope…

A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his (no, thats not the punch line) to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a

backwoods section of Maine.



On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebie off a lawyer, agreed. Well, they had a splendid time in the country – rising early and living in the great outdoors.



Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge Bears – a male and a female. Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasnt so lucky, and the male bear

reached him and swallowed him whole. The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there.



Hes in THAT one! cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friends family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE. What did you do that for! exclaimed the lawyer, I said he was in the other! Exactly, replied the sheriff, and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?

Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?

A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.

25 Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than Women:



You can enjoy a beer all month long

Beer stains wash out

You dont have to wine and dine beer

Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while you play baseball

When your beer goes flat, you toss it out

Hangovers go away

A beer label comes off without a fight

Beer is never late

Beer doesnt get jealous when you grab another beer

When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer

Beer never gets a headache

After youve had a beer, the bottle is still worth 5 cents

A beer wont get upset if you come home and have another beer

If you pour a beer right, youll always get good head

A beer always goes down easy

You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty

You can share a beer with your friends

You always know youre the first one to pop a beer

Beer is always wet

Beer doesnt demand equality

You can have a beer in public

A beer doesnt care when you come

A frigid beer is a good beer

You dont have to wash a beer before it tastes good

If you change beers you dont have to pay alimony

You might be a redneck if…
You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.

There were three girls walking down an empty street. They stop in front of this beautiful house. They knock on the door and an old lady answers.
May we come in? They ask.
Sure. But whatever you do, DONT STEP ON A DUCK.
They think she was probably off her rocker but still step in and walk around.
The first girl sees this really handsome man standing just a couple of feet away from her. She runs up to him and WHAM! She steps on a duck and gets tied to the most gross looking man in the world.
Then the next girl walks in and sees another man and runs up to him and steps on a duck. WHAM! She gets tied to an even uglier man.
Now the third girl, seeing what the other girls get tied to, looked and saw a really handsome guy and looks around. Hmmm no duck. She runs up to him and she gets tied to him. Heaven at last.
What happened to you? She asks as she rests her head on his shoulder.
I stepped on a duck.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Yogi bear!
Yogi bear who?
Yogi bear and youll get arrested!

Why is the word abbreviation so long?

How come you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

You know how most packages say Open here.What is the protocol if the package says, Open somewhere else?

Since Americans throw rice at weddings do orientals throw hamburgers?

Defense Attorney: Would you please state your age to the court for the record.

Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us in your own words, what happened to you on the night in question.

Little Old Lady: There I was sitting on my porch swing on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up the porch stairs and sits down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: Then what happened after he sat down beside you?

Little Old Lady: Well, he started to rub my thighs.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady: No, I didnt.

Defense Lawyer: Why not?

Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody has done that since my Dan passed away 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: Then what happened?

Little Old Lady: He started to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady: No

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: Well your honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I hadnt felt that good in years.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: Well, I started to feel so spicy that I said to him, Take me young man.

Defense Attorney: And did he take you?

Little Old Lady: No. Thats when he yelled April Fool!.. And thats when I shot him.