Old and New Jokes

A Priest and a Rabbi are riding in a plane.

After a while, the Priest turns to the Rabbi and asks, Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?

The Rabbi says, Yes, that is still one of our beliefs.

The Priest then asks, Have you ever eaten pork? To which the Rabbi replies, Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted pork. The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

Later during the flight, the Rabbi asked the Priest, Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?

The Priest replied, Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.

The Rabbi then asked him, Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?

The Priest replied, Yes Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.

The Rabbi nodded understandingly for a moment and then said, A lot better than pork isnt it?

Ever wanted to learn a language OTHER than English? Well, heres your first Chinese lesson…

Are you harboring a fugitive- Hu Yu Hai Ding

See me A.S.A.P. – Kum Hia Nao

Small Horse – Tai Ni Po Ni

Your price is too high – No Bai Dam Thing

Did you go to the beach – Wai Yu So Tan

I bumped into a coffee table – Ai Bang Mai Ni

I think you need a facelift – Chin Tu Fat

Its very dark in here – Wai So Dim?

Has your flight been delayed? – Hao Long Wei Ting?

That was an unauthorized execution.- Lin Ching

I thought you were on a diet – Wai Yu Mun Ching?

This is a tow away zone. – No Pah King

You are not very bright – Yu So Dum

I got this for free – Ai No Pei

I am not guilty – Wai Hang Mi?

Please, stay a while longer – Wai Go Nao?

Our meeting was scheduled for next week – Wai Yu Kum Nao

They have arrived – Hia Dei Kum

Stay out of sight – Lei Lo

Hes cleaning his automobile – Wa Shing Ka

Does this bathroom stink! Hu Flung Dung?

A group of us went out last week drinking. After wed gotten pretty smashed, we all decided to go for a curry. Feeling pretty drunk and stupid, the guys dared me that I couldnt down a pint of curry sauce. Being equally drunk and stupid, I took the bet. They brought me a full glass of curry sauce, and I knocked it back in one swig. I collapsed straight away, and for two weeks, I was in a korma.

A man visits the doctor for a checkup, and after some tests, the doctor comes in with a grave look on his face.

Doctor: Well, I have some bad news and some really bad news.

Man: Well, give me the really bad news first.

Doctor: You have cancer, and only 6 months to live.

Man: And the bad news?

Doctor: You have Alzheimers disease.

Man: Thats great. I was afraid I had cancer!

Q: How do you kill 4000 lawyers?
A: You build a new Titanic and declare it cannot sink.

Q: Whats the strongest argument against both theories of origin?
A: Politicians and lawyers. Who in their right mind would create (or evolve into) these species?

Q: If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

Q: How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
A: Never enough.

Q: Have you heard about the lawyers word processor?
A: No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print.

Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you cant understand.

Q: What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School?
A: A lobotomy.

Q: What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
A: Ones a bottom-crawling scum sucker and the others just a fish.

Q: What is the difference between a female lawyer and a catfish?
A: Ones slimey and has whiskers, and the other one lives in the water.

En la escuela, en la clase de Matemáticas, el profesor le pregunta a Pepito:

Si una mujer limpia una casa en una hora, ¿qué tiempo durarán dos mujeres para limpiar la misma casa?

Tres horas, dice Pepito, muy seguro de su respuesta.

¡Pero cómo va a ser!, la respuesta es media hora dice el maestro. ¿De dónde sacas tres horas?

Pepito le dice: Ud. puede saber mucho de Matemáticas, pero no sabe lo que hablan dos mujeres cuando se juntan.

Buscando un regalo de aniversario de matrimonio para su esposo, una mujer decide comprar unos calzoncillos. Así que fue a la sección de ropa interior de hombres de un almacén, que era atendida por un afeminado.

Buenas tardes, necesito un par de calzoncillos para mi marido.

¿Qué talla es su marido?, pregunta el encargado con voz aflautada.

No sé muy bien qué talla es, responde confundida la señora.

¿Su marido lo tiene así?, pregunta el afeminado al tiempo que le muestra un dedo de su mano.

Mmm, no, lo tiene un poco más gordo.

¿Su marido lo tiene así?, vuelve a preguntar mostrándole dos dedos juntos.

Sí, así lo tiene mi marido.

El afeminado mete sus dos dedos en su boca y asegura:

Su esposo es talla L.

Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister.

Asking dumb questions is easier than correcting dumb mistakes.