A blonde buys a plane ticket to Miami. (Its a coach Ticket). When she gets on the plane she sits in first class.
The steward who checks tickets says, Im so sorry, this is a coach ticket and your sitting in 1st class.
I can do What-eva I want, Im a blonde. Well Ill get the pilot.
The pilot comes and whispers in the blondes ear and she leaves. The steward looks amazed and says, What did you say?
The pilot simply says, I told her 1st class wasnt going to Miami, just coach was!!!
Last summer, the President and Mrs. Clinton were vacationing in their home state of Arkansas. On a venture one day, they stopped at a service station to fill up the car with gas.
It seemed that the owner of the station was once Hillarys high school love. They exchanged hellos, and went on their way. As they were driving on to their destination.
Bill put his arm around Hillary and said, Well, honey, if you had stayed with him, you would be the wife of a service station owner today.
She smirked and replied, No. If I had stayed with him, he would be President of the United States.
Two blonde guys were sitting around talking. After a while, the first blonde looks at the second blonde and says, Hey, you want to go up for a ride in my airplane?
The second guy says, Wow, you have an airplane? Lets go!
So they go for a tour around the city in the plane. Eventually they run low on fuel and need to land. The blonde pilot starts circling around looking for a place to land. He sees an airstrip close by. He says his to his new buddy along for the ride, Lets land here. It looks like its as good a place as any.
So he circles around and goes in for a landing, but at the last minute he swerves and pulls back up.
Damn! he says, That is the SHORTEST runway I have ever seen! How is anyone supposed to land on it?
Since its the only runway nearby, he decides to try again, with the same result. Getting pretty irritated, the pilot says to his friend, All right, Im going to try ONE more time, and if I cant land it were just going to crash and hope we dont die.
So they end up crashing, and miraculously neither is hurt. When they crawl out of the wreckage, the first guy is swearing and gesticulates wildly at the runway.
Im gonna find whoever designed this crazy runway and wring his neck! He must be total moron! No one could land on anything that short!
The second guy looks around and says Yeah, but look how wide it is!
An absent-minded husband thought he had conquered his problem of trying to remember his wifes birthday and their anniver- sary. He opened an account with a florist, provided that florist with the dates and instructions to send flowers to his wife on these dates along with an appropriate note signed,Your loving husband.
His wife was thrilled by this new display of attention and all went well until one day, some bouquets later, when he came home, kissed his wife and said off-handedly, Nice flowers, honey. Whered you get them?
A guy walks in and sits down at a bar. The side of his face is bruised and bleeding so the bartender asks, What in the world happened to you, buddy?The guy says Oh, I got in a fight with my girlfriend and I called her a two-bit whore.Yeah? asks the bartender. What did she do?She hit me with her bag of quarters!
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
– Herm Albright –
Once upon a time, a man decided to vacation on a cruise ship
in the Caribbean. It was wonderful–the experience of his
life! He was waited upon hand and foot. But, alas, it did
not last. A hurricane came up suddenly and the ship went
down. The man found himself, he knew not how, swept up on the
shore of an island. There was nothing else anywhere to be
seen. No person, no supplies, nothing.
The man looked around. There were some bananas and coconuts,
but that was it. He was desperate and forlorn, but decided to
make the best of it. So for the next four months he ate
bananas, drank coconut juice and mostly looked to the sea
mightily for a ship to come to his rescue.
One day, as he was lying on the beach stroking his beard and
looking for a ship, he spotted movement out of the corner of
his eye. Could it be true, was it a ship? No, from around
the corner of the island came a rowboat. In it was the most
gorgeous woman he had ever seen . . . or at least, within the
past four months. She was tall and tanned, and her blond
hair flowed in the sea breeze, giving her an almost ethereal
quality. She spotted him also (since he was waving and
yelling and screaming to get her attention), and she rowed her
boat towards him.
In disbelief, he asked, Where did you come from? How did
you get here?
She said, I rowed from the other side of the island. I
landed on this island when my cruise ship sank.
Amazing, he said, I didnt know anyone else had survived.
How many of you are there? Where did you get the rowboat?
You must have been really lucky to have a rowboat wash-up with
you.
It is only me, she said, and the rowboat didnt wash up,
nothing else did.
Well then, said the man, how did you get the rowboat?
I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the
island, replied the woman. The oars were whittled from Gum
tree branches, and I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and
the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.
But, but…, stuttered the man, what about tools and
hardware, how did you do that?
Oh, no problem, replied the woman, on the south side of
the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock
exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature
in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used
that for tools, then used the tools to make the hardware.
But, enough of that, she said, where do you live? At
last the man was forced to confess that he had been sleeping
on the beach. Well, lets row over to my place, she said.
So they got into the rowboat and left for her side of island.
The woman easily rowed them around to a wharf that led to the
approach to her place. She tied up the rowboat with a
beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk and
around a palm tree, and there stood an exquisite bungalow
painted in blue and white. Its not much, she said, but I
call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?
No thanks, said the man, one more coconut juice and I
will puke.
It wont be coconut juice, the woman replied. I have a
still; how about a Pina Colada? Trying to hide his continued
amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to
talk. After a while, when they had exchanged their stories,
the woman asked, Tell me, have you always had a beard?
No, the man replied, I was clean shaven all of my life,
even on the cruise ship.
Well if you would like to shave, theres a razor upstairs in
the cabinet in the bathroom. The man, no longer questioning
anything, went upstairs to the bathroom. In the cabinet was a
razor made from a bone handle, with two shells honed to a
hollow-ground edge fastened to its end inside of a swivel
mechanism. The man shaved, showered and went back down
stairs.
You look great, said the woman, I think Ill go up and
slip into something more comfortable. The man settled in to
wait, continuing to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time,
the woman returned wearing strategically positioned fig leaves
and smelling faintly of gardenia.
Tell me something, she said, We have both been out here
for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I
mean. Have you been lonely? Is there anything that you
really miss? Something that all men and woman need?
Something that it would be really nice to have right now?
Yes there is, the man replied, moving closer to the woman
while fixing her with a long, intense gaze.
Tell me… Do you happen to have an internet connection?
Doctor: Have you ever had this before?
Patient: Yes.
Doctor: Well, youve got it again!
Con el fin de que los niños reflexionen, el profesor les cuenta a sus alumnos una historia conmovedora:
Hace pocos dÃas, un carro atropelló a un niño de esta escuela en su bicicleta nueva, por desobediente, y por poco y lo mata.
Se hace un profundo silencio en el salón de clases, y luego el más atento pregunta:
¿Y qué pasó con la bicicleta?
Era un indito que vendÃa legunbres en el mercado, pero cada mañana que llegaba tenÃa que pasar por doinde el carnicero el cual al verlo le gritaba:
¡Qué bonitas nalgas tienes cabrón!
Y el indito lo único que atinaba a hacer era apresurar el paso. Esto era todos los dÃas hasta que otro carnicero le dijo:
Cada que te diga que bonitas nalgas tienes tu le dices me das miedo buey, y verás como te deja de molestar.
Al dÃa siguiente va el indito a trabajar y al pasar frente a la carnicerÃa escucha el ya tÃpico:
¡Qué bonitas nalgas tienes cabrón!
Y recordando el consejo de su amigo este le contesta:
¡Me asusta usté siñor!