Every Christmas morning, when my kids were little, I read them the nativity story out of the big family bible.
When my son was old enough to talk, he asked me what a stable was.
I thought for a moment how to explain it to him in terms he could understand, then told him, Its something like your sisters room, but without a stereo.
A priest settled into a chair in a lawyers office.
Is it true, said the Priest, that your firm does not charge members of the clergy?
Im afraid youre misinformed, stated the lawyer, People in your profession can look forward to a reward in the next world, but we lawyers have to take ours in this one.
Pedro visita a su novia quien vive en una avenida bastante céntrica de la ciudad y se sientan en la puerta agarrados de la mano. Pasa un taxista y le grita:
¡Métele el dedo!
Pasa otro:
¡Chúpale una teta!
Uno más:
¡Cómetela!
Y asÃ, todos los conductores de servicio público pasaban gritándoles insinuaciones. A Pedro le llega la hora de irse y se despide de su novia con un beso en la frente:
Adiós, mi amor.
¡Adiós, sordo hijo de puta!, responde indignada la chica.
Because it saw the salad dressing.
A doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering years after eating it?After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, Wedding Cake.
A: None. Thats a hardware problem.
A radio station routinely paid money for people to tell their most embarrassing stories. Here was one of the winners:
I was due later that week for an appointment with the gynecologists when early one morning I received a call from his office: I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30am. I had just packed everyone off to work and school and it was around 8:45 already.
The trip to his office usually took about 35 minutes so I didnt have any time to spare. As most women do, Im sure, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasnt going to be able to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth and gave myself a wash in that area in front of the sink, taking extra care to make sure that I was presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.
I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when he called me in. Knowing the procedure, as I am sure all women do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended I was in Hawaii or some other place a million miles away from there.
I was a little surprised when he said: My…we have taken a little extra effort this morning, havent we?, but I didnt respond.
The appointment over, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day went normal, some shopping, cleaning and the evening meal, etc. At 8:30 that evening my 14 year old daughter was getting ready for a school dance, when she called down from the bathroom, Mom – wheres my washcloth?
I called back for her to get another one from the cabinet.
She called back, No – I need the one that was here by the sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles in it.
Two lawyers are walking down the street and they see a beautiful woman
walking towards them. The first lawyer says, See that woman? Boy would I
love to screw her. The second lawyer says, Out of what?
A blonde lived on a farm. He didnt get many visitors, so I went to see him…when I got there, he was standing stiff as a board, out in the middle of the cow paddock. I yelled out to him, and asked what he was doing standing out there all still and straight. He replied that he was trying to win a Nobel Peace prize.
I said, Well, thats great, but what are you doing in the paddock?
He replied, I was reading the newspaper, and it said all you had to do to win the Nobel Peace prize was to be outstanding in your field.
Mr. Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to
Louisiana. He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer (JenJohnson@AOL.com).
Unfortunately, he forgot his wifes exact email address and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson (JJohnson@AOL.com) of New Jersey, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away.
The preachers wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted.
When she was finally revived by her daughter, she nervously pointed to the message, which read: Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here.