Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girls junior
college, said during class, Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ
of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six
times its normal size, and define the conditions. Miss Smythe gasped,
then said freezingly, Mr. Perkins, I dont think that is a proper
question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this. With that
she sat down red-faced. Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson
and asked the same question. Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, The
pupil of the eye, in dim light. Correct, said Mr. Perkins. And now,
Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not
studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will
some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasnt watching.
A room temperature IQ.
Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together.
A gross ignoramus — 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on.
A prime candidate for natural deselection.
Bright as Alaska in December.
One celled organisms out-score him in IQ tests.
Donated his body to scientists… Before he was done using it.
During evolution his ancestors were in the control group.
Fell out of the family tree.
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isnt coming.
Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
Hes so dense, light bends around him.
If brains were taxed, hed get a rebate.
If he were any more stupid, hed have to be watered twice a week.
If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you get change back.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
One neuron short of a synapse.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes.
Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
Q: Why did the blonde girl have bruises on her belly button ?
A:Because it turns out blonde boys arent that smart either.
Q: How many Soviet emigres does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to stand on a chair and hold the bulb, two to lift the chair by its legs, one to call an American and to ask which way to turn the chair.
Se encuentran dos prostitutas amigas en la calle y tras saludarse, una le pregunta a la otra:
¿Cómo te fue anoche?
Ayer me fue genial: me encontré con un cliente que está buenÃsimo, me llevó a su casa y lo hicimos toda la noche. Y a ti, ¿cómo te fue?
A mà me fue súper: me recogió un abuelito en un auto gigantesco, con chofer y todo. Luego, me llevó a un departamento tan grande, que parecÃa cancha de fútbol. Me sirvió un trago y me pidió que me desnudara. Entonces, yo le pedà a él lo mismo. Y cuando estábamos los dos desnudos me dijo: Prepárate porque te voy a meter el pene.
Oye, ¿y qué es el pene?, pregunta la amiga
Mira, es una mierda igual a una polla, pero un poco más blanda.
1 star hangover *
No pain. No real feeling of illness.. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel this way. Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a side of fries.
2 star hangover **
Slight headache. Dont feel sick, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels and even though you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.
3 star hangover ***
Definite headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a space cadet and so not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a litre of coke watching Good Morning with Richard and Judy. Youve had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a litre of diet coke – yet you havent peed once.
4 star hangover ****
Your head is throbbing and you cant speak too quickly or else you might honk. You have lost the will to live. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that cant hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars), your teeth have sweaters, your eyes look like one big vein
and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Moss side secondary school circa 1976. You would give a weeks pay for one the following: 1. Home time, 2. A duvet and somewhere to be alone, or 3. A time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before.
5 star hangover (aka Dantes 4th Circle of Hell) *****
You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually scaring the employee who sits next to you. Death seems pretty good right now. You cant focus as your eyes are scrunched up against the overpowering glare from your computer screen Rancid vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore, staining your shirt and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth, at least you think its toothpaste crust. You dont give a damn either way. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva and your tongue is suffocating you. Youd cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Talking is not an option. Your boss doesnt even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because all you can manage to do is breathe….very gently.
Theorem: 1 = 1/2:
Proof:
We can re-write the infinite series 1/(1*3) + 1/(3*5) + 1/(5*7) + 1/(7*9)
+…
as 1/2((1/1 – 1/3) + (1/3 – 1/5) + (1/5 – 1/7) + (1/7 – 1/9) + … ).
All terms after 1/1 cancel, so that the sum is 1/2.
We can also re-write the series as (1/1 – 2/3) + (2/3 – 3/5) + (3/5 – 4/7)
+ (4/7 – 5/9) + …
All terms after 1/1 cancel, so that the sum is 1.
Thus 1/2 = 1.
Do you already have a child?
During the wedding ceremony, when the minister/preacher/priest comes to the part about, If anyone has any reason why these two people should not marry, speak up now or forever hold your peace… have this four-to-six year old boy running up the aisle yelling, Daddy, daddy. I understand from a friend who played this joke on a relative that it took almost an hour to get the wedding started again.
Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
. . . and this is Joan of Arc for Zippo lighters. . .