Old and New Jokes

Monday, two boys were in court after doing their community service for vandalism charges, and the judge said to the first one, How did you do over the weekend?

Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.

17 people? Thats wonderful. What did you tell them?

I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs.

Thats admirable, said the judge. And you, how did you do? (to the 2nd boy)

Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.

156 people! Thats amazing! How did you manage to do that!

Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles) I said (pointing to small circle) this is your asshole before prison….. and (pointing to the large circle) this is your asshole after prison.

Definitivamente no hay derecho a tanto sufrimiento: ¡EXIGIMOS EL DÍA DEL HOMBRE!

¿Quién es el único que se atreve a comerse todo lo que le sirvan (o se le atreviese) sin chistar?: El abnegado hombre.

¿Quién levanta los pies cuando están haciendo aseo?: El considerado hombre.

¿Quién es el que va vestido de negro al matrimonio?: El estúpido hombre.

¿Quién es el que se expone a una laringitis aguda por estar gritando cada vez que llega a la casa?: El dulce hombre.

¿Quién es el que se expone a una úlcera de la rabia, cuando al llegar a casa no encuentra el aseo hecho, la comida caliente, los niños cambiados, la ropa lavada y planchada, la cocina limpia, los recibos de los servicios en la mesa y, encima, encuentra a la mujer en rulos?: El incomprendido hombre.

¿Quién es el que se lastima los nudillos cada vez que reprende a la esposa?: El tierno hombre.

¿A quién es al que le toca exponerse a que lo roben o apuñalen en un bar de mala muerte y amanecer en un duro anden, cada vez que sale a esas sanas reuniones nocturnas con sus amigos, mientras la otra está dormidota en la camita bajo techo?: Al desprotegido hombre.

¿Quién es el que, a pesar del cansancio y el estrés, jamás podrá fingir un orgasmo?: El sincero hombre.

¿A quién le toca trabajar para pagar un montón de plata del recibo de la luz, porque la desconsiderada de la casa no hace sino planchar, aspirar, brillar y lavar, por lo menos nueve horas diarias?: Al paganini del hombre.

¿Quién tiene que matar las cucarachas y ratones de la casa porque a la Alteza le da pavor?: El valiente hombre.

¿A quién es al que se la montan cuando llega con colorete en la camisa?: Al incomprendido hombre (¿acaso uno no puede tener un amigo que trabaje de payaso?).

¿Quién manda en la casa?: La suegra, la mujer, los cuñados, la empleada, el perro y hasta la vecina del abrumado hombre.

¿Quiénes tienen que aguantarse las ganas de llorar?: Nosotros los machos no lloramos.

¿Quién es el que tiene que gastar considerables sumas de dinero en regalos para el día de la madre, la mujer, la secretaria, la amistad, san Valentín, Navidad, cumpleaños, aniversarios y demás fiestas inventadas por el hombre para satisfacer a la mujer?: Adivinen…

¿Quién nunca lleva la contraria, jamás pide que le repitan una pregunta, y se viste en menos de diez minutos?: El ágil hombre.

¿Quién llega inocente y puro al matrimonio?: Sin duda alguna, el hombre (nadie comete matrimonio con conocimiento de causa).

¿Quiénes están leyendo esto a escondidas para poderse reír, ya que si son sorprendidos se exponen a un severo garrotazo?: Los cohibidos hombres.

¿Quién jamás podrá decir una mentira?: Los sinceros hombres (somos inocentes hasta que se nos demuestre lo contrario).

¿Quién tiene que aguantarse las típicas escenitas de: ¡Ya no eres el mismo! ¿No me vas a salir esta noche con que estás cansado? ¡Ese pelo no es mío! ¡Me voy para donde mi mamá!?: El resignado hombre.

La lista de razones que ratifican el derecho del hombre a tener un día especial para él (diferente al día del trabajo), es infinita.

One day our Little niece Rita went up to her mother and asked, Mom, where did I come from?

My sister in law stammered a bit, but finally got her composure. She thought it was time her daughter knew the facts of life. So, she told Little Rita how the expression of love resulted in the beginning of life, how life developed in the womb and finally how a child was born. As my sister in law gave the whole story, Ritas eyes got wider and wider.

When She was finished, Little Rita said Wow, thats really neat. That sure beats what Uncle Rusty told me. He said that he came from Pennsylvania.

Yo mama so old her Social Security number is 1.

You might be a redneck if…
Youre a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.

This one may be old on the net (I certainly heard it a number of years ago),
but in case you havent heard it before, here goes a story the Polish tell
about Russians…

A Russian party-official arrives late at night to his hotel (in Russia). He
is not surprised to find that his reservation has been mislaid but he is
more than a little peeved that his status in the party isnt enough to get
him a good room anyway. However, the clerk insists, the only bed they have
left is the fourth bunk in a 4-bed dorm–hell have to make do with that.
The Russian grumbles but eventually he picks up his suitcase and heads for
the dorm. On his way, he meets a chamber-maid and thinking he might as well
try to make friends with his room-mates, he asks her to bring them four cups
of tea.

As he enters the dorm, he finds that the other three guests are Polish, they
are having a fairly wild party and theyre very drunk. They also ignore him
totally from the moment he enters. After sitting there for several minutes,
he realizes he cant stand them anymore and decides to pull a joke on them.
He stands up, grasps a floor lamp and speaking into the light-bulb as if it
were a microphone he says:

Comrade Colonel, we would like four cups of tea to our room immediately!
The Poles stare at him in disbelief, which turns to horror as the chamber-maid
knocks on the door and delivers the tea a few minutes later. In about 30
seconds the Poles have all packed their bags and fled the hotel. Our Russian
gets the entire room to himself. He sleeps very soundly.

The next morning, however, as hes checking out and is about to leave, the
desk-clerk calls after him:

By the way, Sir, the Comrade Colonel said to tell you he appreciated your
little joke last night!

As I said, this is a joke the Polish tell about Russians…

This hippie walks into a bar, and thinks its a restaurant. He walks up to the counter, and says to the barkeep, I want a hot dog, not too hot, not too cold, but in the groove. So the barkeep walks into the back room, and tells this to the manager, who is in a bad mood. The manager says, Well, give him whatever he wants, then get him out of here. The barkeep heads back into the main room, posing as a waiter. Anything else, he questions. The hippie replies, Yeah, I want a milkshake, not too thick, not too thin, but in the groove. Again, the barkeep relays this to his manager, who is getting more frusterated as the night goes on. He yells, Fine, I already told you, give him what he wants and get him out of here! So the barkeep returns to the hippie. That was a hot dog and a milkshake, right? Yeah, the hippie says, but scratch the hot dog. I want a hamburger, not to rare, not too well-done, but in the groove. The barkeep relays this to the manager, who has finally had enough. He storms out of the back room, and bellows at the hippie. You can kiss my ass! Not on the left cheek, and not on the right cheek, but in the groove!!

Id like to buy some gloves for my wife, the young man said, eyeing the attractive salesgirl, but I dont know her size.

Will this help? she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.

Oh, yes, he answered. Her hands are just slightly smaller that yours.

Will there be anything else? the salesgirl queried as she wrapped the gloves.

Now that you mention it, he replied, she also needs a bra and panties.

Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat. Then he went about his fishing.An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth…

Every Friday afternoon, a mathematician goes down to the bar, sits in the
second-to-last seat, turns to the last seat, which is empty, and asks a girl who
isnt there if he can buy her a drink.

The bartender, who is used to weird university types, always shrugs but keeps
quiet. But when Valentines Day arrives, and the mathematician makes a
particularly heart-wrenching plea into empty space, curiosity gets the better of
the bartender, and he says, I apologize for my stupid questions, but surely you
know there is never a woman sitting in that last stool. Why do you
persist in asking out empty space?

The mathematician replies, Well, according to quantum physics, empty space is
never truly empty. Virtual particles come into existence and vanish all the
time. You never know when the proper wave function will collapse and a girl
might suddenly appear there.

The bartender raises his eyebrows, Really? Interesting. But couldnt you just
ask one of the girls who comes here every Friday if you could buy her a
drink? Never know – she might say yes.

The mathematician laughs, Yeah, right – how fucking likely is that to
happen?