Old and New Jokes

A woman was walking down the street past a pet shop, and when she looked in the window there was a gorgeous parrot for sale with a sign that said $50.00.

She had always wanted a parrot, but had found them to be too expensive, so she rushed in and asked the proprietor, Why is this parrot so cheap?

Well, he replied, You see, that parrot was in a brothel for awhile, and learned some bad language, so nobody seems to want it.

How bad could it be?, the woman thought.

Finally, she decided to buy it anyway, as it was such a beautiful bird. She took it home in a cage and put it on the table.

The parrot looked around and said Awk! New House, New Madam!

Well, the woman thought, Thats not so bad.

Then the womans two daughters came home from school.

Awk!, the parrot said, New Madam, New Whores!

Well, that upset them a bit, but they tried to laugh it off, and decided that wasnt so bad either. Then the womans husband came home from work.

Awk! The parrot said, New Madam, New Whores, Same old faces! Hi George!

(Sent by an Italian-American friend.)

A man is walking down the street saying the most terrible things about Italians to his friend. He blames the Italians for everything, the dark ages, the black death, WW1, WW2, problems in the Catholic Church, poverty, the Vietnam war, famine in Africa and so on. He is cursing the Italians in the most vile language.

Upon turning the corner they spot an Italian organ grinder with a small monkey. The Italian hating man reaches into his pocket, pulls out a few coins and places them in the cup the monkey is holding.

You hate Italians so much. How come you did that?, his friend asks.

The Italian hater replies, Oh, I do hate Italians, thats for sure, but the kids are so cute when theyre young.

A Muscovite asks her butcher for beef and is told there is none. She asks for
chicken. None. Lamb? None. Pork? None. Veal? None. The shopper leaves
and the butcher exclaims to his assistant, What a terrific memory!

From Suddenly, The American Idea at Home and Abroad, George F. Will,
1990, The Free Press, New York.

1. You ever heard the phrase, May the force be with yall.

2. Your Jedi robe is camouflage

3. You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Boones Farm Strawberry Hill, or Mad Dog 20-20.

4. At least one wing of your X-Wing is primer colored.

5. You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.

6. You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

7. You have ever had an X-Wing up on blocks in your yard.

8. The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

9. Wookies are offended by your B.O.

10. You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didnt have to wait for a commercial.

11. You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.

12. Your father has ever said to you, Shoot, son come on over to the darkside… itll be a hoot.

13. You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defenseelectro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.

14. You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your landspeeder.

15. You think Han Solo would look better in flannel cause he looks a little sissy in that vest.

16. You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts.

17. You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to slide in through the window.

18. Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

19. You ever fell in love with your sister.

20. You have ever referred to Darth Vaders evil empire as them damn Yankees.

21. You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

22. You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with a redwood deck.

23. You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels on the rocks during the cantina scene.

24. In your opinion, that Darth Vader fellow just aint right.

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, No, I wont sleep with you tonight! Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, Im sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, Im a graduate student in psychology and Im studying how people respond to embarrassing situations. To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, What do you mean $200?

It has come to my attention recently that many people have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of Miscellaneous Unproductive Time (code 5300). To our department, unproductive time isnt a problem.
What is a problem is not knowing exactly what people are doing during their unproductive time.
Ive attached a sheet specifying a tentative extended job list based on my observations of employee activities. The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please distribute this as necessary, and let me know about any difficulties.
For your timesheets:

Job numberExplanation
5300Meeting
5300-100
    Obstructing Communications at Meeting
5300-200
    Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting
5310
Breaks5310-100
    Waiting for Break
5310-110
        Buying Snack
5310-120
        Eating Snack
5310-200
    Waiting for Lunch
5310-210
        Ordering Out
5310-220
        Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive
5310-230
        Taking it Easy While Digesting Food
5310-300
    Waiting for End of Day
5310-400
    Personal Evacuation
5310-410
        Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes)
5310-500
    Company Drug Policy
5310-510
        Recreational Drug Use
5320Employee Relations
5320-100
    Gossip
5320-110
        Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker
5320-120
        Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While Coworker is not Present
5320-200
    Incompetence
5320-210
        Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend
5320-220
        Covering for Incompetence of Manager
5320-300
    Dealing with Fellow Workers
5320-310
        Pretending You Like Coworker
5320-320
        Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They are Jerks
5320-330
        Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity
5320-400
    Hazing of Employees
5320-410
        Playing Pranks on the New Employee
5320-420
        Playing Pranks on a Regular Employee
5320-430         Playing Pranks on an Incompetent Employee
5320-440         Playing Pranks on a Competent Employee
5320-450         Playing Pranks on the Intern/Temp
5320-460         Taking Credit for Playing Pranks on any Employee
5320-500
    Sexual Harassment in the Workplace
5320-510
        Making Passes at Coworker
5320-520         Sexually Harassing Coworker
5320-530         Sexual Intercourse
5320-540         Flirting
5330 Employee Training
5330-100     Concepts and Procedures
5330-110         Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is not Interested in Learning
5330-120         Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid
5330-130         Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You
5340 Procurement
5340-100     Company Goods
5340-110         Stealing Company Goods
5340-120         Making Excuses after Accidentally Destroying Company Goods

5340-130         Grocery Shopping (Coffee, Tea, M&Ms…)
5340-200     Company Resources
5340-210         Using Company Resources for Personal Profit
5340-220         Running your own Business on Company Time
5340-230         Working on a second job during Company Time
5350 Timesheet Activities
5350-100
    Filling Out Timesheet
5350-200     Timesheet Entries
5350-210         Inventing Timesheet Entries
5350-220         Organizing Timesheet Entries

5360 Telephone Activities
5360-100     Long-Distance Calls
5360-110         Personal Calls
5360-200     Speaking to a professional
5360-210         Divorce Lawyer
5360-220         Plumber
5360-230         Dentist
5360-240         Doctor
5360-300     Speaking to a contractor
5360-310         Fence (In Order to Sell Stolen Company Goods)
5360-320         Masseuse
5360-330         House Painter
5360-340         Personal Therapist
5360-350         Mistress
5360-400     Sales Calls
5360-410         Someone who wants to be your broker
5360-420         Hardware vendors who think you make decisions
5360-430         Software vendors who think the company will spend money to make your job easier
5360-440         Systems vendors who want to automate your job

5370 Complaints
5370-100     Bitching about:
5370-110         Lousy Job
5370-120         Low Pay
5370-130         Long Hours
5370-140         Coworker
5370-150         Boss
5370-160         Personal Problems
5370-170         General Bitching
5370-180         Business Difficulties

5380 Inspirational Activities
5380-100     Anticipation
5380-110         Waiting for Something to Happen
5380-200     Personal Hygiene
5380-210         Scratching Yourself
5380-220         Sleeping
5380-300     Personal Feelings
5389-310         Feeling Horny
5380-320         Feeling Bored
5380-330         Feeling Sorry For Yourself
5380-400     Meditation
5380-410         Staring Into Space
5380-420         Staring At Computer Screen
5380-430         Transcendental Meditation
5380-500     Fantasizing
5380-510         Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching
5380-520         Pretending to Enjoy Your Job
5380-530         Unproductive Fantasizing

5390 Networking
5390-100     Fictional Writing
5390-110         Writing a Book on Company Time
5390-120         Writing an expose about the Company on Company Time
5390-200     Technical Writing
5390-210         Sending Jokes around the Office
5390-220         Sending Jokes around the Internet
5400Event Planning
5400-100    Birthdays
5400-200    Anniversaries
5400-300    Vacations
5400-400    Weddings

Two different theories exist concerning the origin of children: the theory of sexual reproduction, and the theory of the stork.

Many people believe in the theory of sexual reproduction because they have been taught this theory at school. In reality, however, many of the worlds leading scientists are in favour of the theory of the stork.

If the theory of sexual reproduction is taught in schools, it must only be taught as a theory and not as the truth. Alternative theories, such as the theory of the stork, must also be taught.

Evidence supporting the theory of the stork includes the following:

1. It is a scientifically established fact that the stork does exist. This can be confirmed by every ornithologist.

2. The alledged human foetal development contains several features that the theory of sexual reproduction is unable to explain.

3. The theory of sexual reproduction implies that a child is approximately nine months old at birth. This is an absurd claim. Everyone knows that a newborn child is newborn.

4. According to the theory of sexual reproduction, children are a result of sexual intercourse. There are, however, several well-documented cases where sexual intercourse has not led to the birth of a child.

5. Statistical studies in the Netherlands have indicated a positive correlation between the birth rate and the number of storks. Both are decreasing.

6. The theory of the stork can be investigated by rigorous scientific methods. The only assumption involved is that children are delivered by the stork.