Old and New Jokes

You might be a redneck if…
You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.

James and Beverly Jenkins had been married for twelve years when they mutually agreed to end it and get divorced. After the divorce was granted, that same day, as they stood facing each other for what could be the last time, James asked Beverly if she would mind him asking one last question. Not at all, go right ahead, she replied.

Well, their is one thing that has always bother me. We have five kids with brown hair but youngest one, little Jimmy, has blonde hair. So, please tell me, whose kid is Jimmy?

I just cant tell you, James. The answer would hurt you too much.

Ill be fine. Now that were divorced, finding out whoever Jimmy came from cant hurt me too much.

Well, if its that important to you…Jimmy is your child.

Q: Who is the most popular man in a nudist colony?

A: The one who can carry 2 large coffees and a dozen donuts.

Q: Who is the most popular woman in a nudist colony?

A: The one who can eat the last two donuts.

A lady goes to the doctor to see about getting a facelift.

Well, says the doctor, I can do the facelift, and then youll have to come back in six months for a follow-up.

Oh, no. the woman replies. I want it all done in one shot. I dont want to have to come back.

The doctor thinks for a second, then offers, There is a new procedure where we put a screw in the top of your head. Then anytime you see wrinkles appearing, you just give it a little turn, which pulls the skin up and they disappear.

Thats what I want! exclaims the lady. Lets do that. Six months later the lady charges into the doctors office.

Well, hows the procedure holding up? the doctor asks. Terrible! the lady bellows. Its the worst mistake Ive ever made.

Whats wrong? asks the doctor. Just look at these bags under my eyes! she hollers.

Lady, the doctor reports, those arent bags, those are your boobs, and if you dont leave that screw alone, youre going to have a beard!

Grandma & Grampa are sitting there watching TV when Grandpa decides
hes hungry for some ice cream.

Hey, Grandma – Im gonna head to the kitchen and get myself a dish
of ice cream. You want I should get you some, too?

Sure, Grandpa, sounds good. But you better write down what youre
going out there for or else youll forget. replies Grandma.

I will not! retorts Grandpa. In fact, tell me what you want on it
and Ill show you I can remember that, too.

OK, says Grandma, Ill have some chocolate sauce. But youre
gonna forget…

Grandpa heads out to the kitchen and disappears for about 20 or 30
minutes, accompanied by a cacaphonous banging of pots and pans.
Finally he emerges, carrying a plate of scrambled eggs.

See there, Grandpa. I told you youd forget! chides Grandma.

Whaddya mean, forget, Grandma? What did I forget? demands Grandpa.

You fool, says Grandma. You forgot my bacon!

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircrafts electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopters position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it. "I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

Q: What did the blonde do when she locked her keys in her car?

A: She had to break a window to get out!

A man rings his local newspaper so he can place an obituary for his recently deceased wife.
He only has £1, and for that he can only afford three words.He asks the clerk if he can just put: Margaret is dead.The clerk explains to him that this probably isnt enough and taking pity on him, offers him six words for £1.So the bereaved man writes his new notice: Margaret is dead. Car for sale.

Q: Whats Bills fondest wish now?
A: That someone would wave a hand at him using more than one finger.

Your mama is so stupid when i walked into her house i asked wheres the bathroom? and she answered third bucket to the left.



your mama is so stupid she thought taco bell was a mexican phone company.





your mama is so stupid she tripped over a cordless phone.





your mama is so stupid she climbed over a glass wall just to see what is on the other side.





your momma is so stupid she fell out of a boat and couldnt find water.





your mama is so fat she sat on a dollar and made change.





your momma is so stupid she tried to drown a fish.