Youve ever worn hunters orange to church.
You have barnyard animals living in your house.
Every pair of jeans you own has a tobacco can ring worn in one of the rear pockets.
21
Jul
21
Jul
Top Causes of Oakwood Fire Alarms
1. Aeresol spray cans.
2. Fog machines.
3. Southsiders burning popcorn in the old microwave.
4. System glitch.
5. Southsiders burning popcorn in the old microwave…again.
6. See number 5.
7. System glitch…again.
8. Southsiders burning popcorn in the new microwave.
9. Its our good old friend, system glitch.
10. yet to be determined.
In short, between the southsiders and the fact that our alarm system is a piece of slag, we have had only 1 planned drill.
P.S. All of the above like to occur at 2:00 a.m. or later.
21
Jul
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: Okay! Okay! Im a rabbit! Im a rabbit!
21
Jul
A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.
21
Jul
A penny saved has not been spent.
21
Jul
A blonde goes into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland. The man tells her it will be $300. She exclaims, I dont have any money, but I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland!!!
To that the man asks, Anything??
And the blonde says, Yes, anything!!
With that, the man says, Follow me.
He walks into the next room and tells her, Come in and close the door.
She does.
He then says, Get on your knees.
She does.
He then says, Take down my zipper.
She does.
He then says, Go ahead, take it out.
With that she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands.
The man then says, Well, go ahead!
She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips, she says, Hello…Mom?
21
Jul
After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed that a New York cab
driver had been awarded a higher place than he. I dont understand, he
complained to Saint Peter. I devoted my entire life to my
congregation.
Our policy here in Heaven is to reward results, Saint Peter explained.
Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?
Well, the minister had to admit, some in the congregation fell asleep
from time to time.
Exactly, said Saint Peter. And when people rode in this mans taxi, they
not only stayed awake, but they even prayed.
21
Jul
Procrastination is the flaw most of us keep putting off curing.
21
Jul
Arizona
YOU KNOW YOURE IN ARIZONA WHEN:
– Youve signed so many petitions to recall governors that you cant
remember the name of the incumbent.
– You notice your car overheating before you drive it.
– You can say Hohokam and people dont think youre laughing funny.
– You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.
– You see more irrigation water on the street than there is in the
Salt River.
– You know a swamp cooler is not a happy hour drink.
– You can say 115 degrees without fainting.
– You can be in the snow, then drive for an hour and it will be over
100 degrees.
– You have to go to a fake beach for some fake waves.
– You discover, in July, that it only takes two fingers to drive your
car.
– You can make sun tea instantly.
– You run your air conditioner in the middle of winter so you can use
your fireplace.
– You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of
distance.
– You realize that Valley Fever isnt a disco dance.
– Hotter water comes from the cold water tap than the hot one.
– You can pronounce the words: Saguaro, Tempe, Gila Bend, San
Xavier, Canyon de Chelly, Mogollon Rim, Cholla, and
Tlaquepaque.
– Its noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person
is moving on the streets.
– You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
– Sunscreen is sold year round, kept at the front of the checkout
counter, a formula less than 30 spf is a joke, and you wear it just
to go to Circle K.
– Some fool can market mini-misters for joggers and some other fools
will actually buy them.
– Hot air balloons cant go up, because the air outside is hotter
than the air inside.
– No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car.
– You can understand the reason for a town named Why.
21
Jul
Bad: You cant find your vibrator.
Worse: Your daughter borrowed it.
Bad: You find a porn movie in your sons room.
Worse: Youre in it.
Bad: Your children are sexually active.
Worse: With each other.
Bad: Your husbands a cross dresser.
Worse: He looks better than you.
Bad: Your sons involved in Satanism.
Worse: As a sacrifice.
Bad: Your wife wants a divorce.
Worse: Shes a lawyer.
Bad: Your wifes leaving you.
Worse: For another woman.
Bad: Your wifes leaving you.
Worse: To enter a convent.
Bad: Your wifes arrested for soliciting.
Worse: She implicates you.
Good: Hot outdoor sex.
Bad: Youre arrested.
Worse: By your husband.
Good: The postmans early.
Bad: Hes wearing camos and has an AK-47.
Good: The secretary said yes.
Bad: Your wife says no.
Good: The teacher likes your son.
Bad: Sexually.
Worse: Hes gay.
Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: So did the postman.
Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: Your wife walks in.
Good: You get a three-day weekend.
Bad: You get the flu on Friday.
Good: You get tickets to the theatre.
Bad: Its performance art.
Good: You go to see a strip show.
Bad: Your daughters the headliner.
Good: Your boyfriends exercising.
Bad: So hell fit in your clothes.
Good: Your car conveniently runs out of gas.
Bad: For real.
Good: Your childs waiting for Mr. Right.
Bad: Your son, that is.
Good: Your daughters on the Pill.
Bad: Shes eleven.
Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude.
Bad: She weighs 350 pounds.
Good: Your sons doing extra credit work.
Bad: Making a sex ed video.
Good: Your uncle leaves you a fortune.
Bad: Its counterfeit.
Good: Your wife bought a porn video.
Bad: Your daughters the star.
Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex.
Bad: You live downtown.
Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude.
Bad: Shes coming home.
Good: Your wifes kinky.
Bad: With the neighbors.
Worse: All of them.