Old and New Jokes

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he has any grapes. The bartender replies that he doesnt have any grapes.

The next day the duck walks into the same bar and again asks the bartender if he has any grapes, and again the bartender tells him that he doesnt.

This goes on for a week, until the frustrated bartender warns the duck that if he asks that stupid question one more time, hes going to staple the ducks bill closed.

The next day the duck walks into the bar and asks the bartender, Do you have any staples? The bartender says, No. So the duck says, Good. In that case, do you have any grapes?

A dentist friend of mine had a T-shirt which said on the front:

Let me put my tool in your mouth… and on the back: …and I will fill your cavity.

Two terrorists were driving their Maruti to the spot where they intended to place their bomb. The one in driver’s seat looked very worried. “Natha, what happens if the bomb we have on the back seat blows up before we get to the site?”

”Not to worry,” replied Natha, “I have a spare one in my attaché case.”

Q. How can you tell when a Jewish girl has an orgasm?

A. She drops her nail file.

Microsoft Corporation chair, CEO and all-around babe magnet Bill Gates announced yesterday the introduction of a new product for Windows 95: Microsoft Panhandling.

The idea came to me the other day when a homeless man asked me for money, recalls Gates. I suddenly realised that we were missing a golden opportunity. Here was a chance to make a profit without any initial monetary investment. Naturally, this man then became my competition, so I had my limo driver run over him several times.

Microsoft engineers have been working around the clock to complete Gates vision of panhandling for the 21st century.

We feel that our program designers really understand how the poor and needy situation works, says Microsoft Homeless product leader Bernard Liu. Microsoft Panhandling will be automatically installed with Windows 95. At random intervals, a dialog box pops up, asking the user if they could spareany change so that Microsoft has enough money to get a hot meal. (This is a little lie, admits software engineer Adam Miller, since our diet consists of Coke and Twinkies, but what panhandler doesnt embellish a little?) The user can click Yes, in which case a random amount of change between $.05 and $142.50 is transferred from the users bank account to Microsofts. The user can also respond No, in which case the program politely tells the user to have a nice day. The No button has not yet been implemented.

Were experiencing a little trouble programming the No button, Bernard Liu says, but we should definitely have it up and running within the next couple of years. Or at least by the time Windows 2014 comes out. Maybe.

Gates says this is just the start of an entire line of products.

Be on the lookout for products like Microsoft Mugging, which either takes $50 or erases your hard drive, and Microsoft Squeegee Guy, which will cleanup your Windows for a dollar. (When Microsoft Squeegee Guy ships, Windows 95 will no longer automatically refresh your windows.)

But there are competitors on the horizon. Sun Microsystems and Oracle Corporation are introducing panhandling products of their own.

Gates is a few tacos short of a combination platter, if you get my drift,says Oracle Head Honcho and 3rd degree black belt Larry Ellison. I mean, in the future, we wont need laptop computers asking you for change. Youll have an entire network of machines asking you for money.

Gates responded with, I know what you are, but what am I? General pandemonium then ensued.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Congo!
Congo who?
Congo out, Im grounded!

Yo mama so hairy you almost died of rugburn at birth!

Yo mama so fat when she goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.

El Rey León había llamado a todos los animales de la selva y les dijo que iba a hacer una fiesta y que todos necesitaban traer una fruta, pero que al que trajera una fruta dura se la iba a meter por detrás.

Ya en la noche llega la jirafa y trae plátanos y el león lo deja entrar y así llegan más animales, hasta que llega la ardilla cargada de nueces y ahí está el leon metiéndole las nueses por allá donde te conté y la ardilla estaba risa y risa. El leon, sorprendido, le dice, ¿Por qué te estás riendo?

Y la ardilla le contesta: ¡Es que el chango trajo cocos!

Un cubano se encuentra con un grupo de personas que caminan por la calle gritando consignas contra el régimen.

El individuo, que es de ideas afines, se une a ellos y empieza a gritar, a voz en cuello, las mismas consignas.

Al cabo de un rato de camino, e intrigado por la presencia de unos soldados que los siguen, decide preguntar a sus nuevos camaradas adónde se dirigen.

¡Al paredón, chico, al paredón!