Old and New Jokes

A number twelve walks into a bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.

Sorry I cant serve you, states the barman.

Why not?! asks the number twelve with anger showing in its voice.

Youre under 18, replies the barman.

A bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of their sudden
death. The leader of the discussion said, We will all die some day, and none of
us really knows when, but if we did we would all do a better job of preparing
ourselves for that inevitable event. Everybody shook their heads in agreement
with this comment.

Then the leader said to the group, What would you do if you knew you only had
four weeks of life remaining before your death?

A gentleman said, I would go out into my community and minister the Gospel to
those that have not yet accepted the Lord into their lifes.

Very good! said the group leader, and all the group members agreed, that would
be a very good thing to do.

One lady spoke up and said enthusiastically, I would dedicate all of my
remaining time to serving God, my family, my church, and my fellow man with a
greater conviction.

That is wonderful! the group leader commented, and all the group members
agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.

But one gentleman in the back finally spoke up loudly and said, I would go to
my mother-in-laws house for the four weeks.

Everyone was puzzled by this answer, and the group leader asked, Why your
mother-in-laws home?

Then the gentleman smiled sarcastically and said, Because that would be the
longest four weeks of my life!

When you have an I Hate My Job day, try this….

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson. Be sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock you doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in you favorite chair, open the package and remove the thermometer.

Then, carefully place it on a table or a flat surface, so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins- Take ou the literature and read it carefully.

You will notice that in small print there is a statement.

Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested

Finally, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times.

I am so glad I do not work for quality control at Johnson and Johnson.

Q: What do you get when you stick 32 rednecks in one room?

A: A full set of teeth

What did the man in the big yellow hat have to do every day when Curious George broke a glass or a plate? Spank his monkey.

A woman puts panties on her head to protect her hair whilst painting the walls. The doorbell rings and her small son answers it.Mum! The boy shouts, Take your panties off. The milkmans here and wants paying.

Ye go to a tail gate party and not have a tail gate.

Youve ever shot a deer from inside ye house.

Tonights supper was too slow crossing the road this morning

Your truck wont fit through the drive threw at McDonalds.

Your bass boat costs more then your home.

Your kids ride in the back of your pick up so your dog can ride shot gun.

Youve ever been trapped in a crossfire at a family reunion.

Youve ever used your only phone call in jail to check the status of Nascar race.

Youve ever used jumper cables to start your computer.

You have ever decorated a birthday cake with a caulk gun.

Your deer stand has a mailing address.

You can burp the entire chorus of Jingle Bells.

Joke found on http://www.funny-jokes.net

Q: How many country & western singers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Four. One to change it, one to sing about how heartbroken he is at the loss of the old one, one to sing about how madly in love she is with the new one, and one to go Yeeeee-Hah ! and throw his hat in the air.

Q: How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it, and one to sniff the first ones butt.

Un hombre va a un burdel y pide una puta barata:

¿Qué le parece una de $10,000?

Qué va, que va, más barata.

¿Quizás mil?

Pero usted debe creerse que yo soy Onnasis, ¿no?

¿Y cien?

Venga hombre. ¿Está loco?

Pues mire, váyase a la de la ultima puerta que es gratis.

Esa me gusta, voy para allá.

El tío va leyendo carteles en los que pone: Puta americana, puta francesa, puta inglesa, puta alemana, puta rusa… y en la última puerta lee: ¡Puta calle!