Old and New Jokes

Llega el papá de Pepito a la casa y encuentra a la mamá, quien le reprocha que éste había tenido su primera relación sexual.

El papá se lleva a Pepito al cuarto para felicitarlo, lejos de la mamá, y le dice:

Ese es mi tigre, campeón, y ¿cuándo lo haces de nuevo?

Cuando se me mejore el culo, papá.

You Know Youre a Programmer When …

When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.



When you are counting objects, you go 0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D….



When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.



When your wife says If you dont turn off that damn machine and come to bed, then I am going to divorce you!, and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.



You try to s sleep(8 * 3600);



When you are reading a book and look for the scroll bar to get to the next page..



When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number…



When you get in the elevator and double-click the button for the floor you want.



When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.



When you look for a icon to double-click to open your bedroom window.



When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that youre doing the math in octal.



When you look for a trash can icon for throwing garbage.

Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, I am Napoleon!

Another one said, How do you know?



First inmate answers, Winston Churchill told me!



Just then, a voice from another room shouted, I did NOT!

* You consider McDonalds real food



* You actually like doing laundry at home



* 4:00 AM is still early on the weekends



* It starts getting late on the weeknights



* Two miles is not too far to walk for a party



* You wear dirty socks three times in a row and think nothing of it



* Youd rather clean than study



* Half the time you dont wake up in your own bed and it seems normal



* Computer Solitaire is more than a game its a way of life



* You schedule your classes around sleep habits and soaps



* You go to sleep when its light and get up when its dark



* You live for getting mail (E-mail included)



* Looking out the window is a form of entertainment



* Prank phone calls become funny again



* It feels weird to take a shower without shoes on



* World War III could take place and youd be clueless



* You start thinking and sounding like your roommate



* Blacklights and highlighters are the coolest things on earth



* Rearranging your room is your favorite pastime



* You find out milk crates had so many uses



* Wal-mart is the coolest store



* The weekend lasts from Thursday to Sunday, (or Wednesday morning to Tuesday



* You are sitting around making lists about how you know youve been in college too long

A Code of Honor: Never approach a friends girlfriend or wife with mischief as your goal. There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of dishonorable behavior. Unless shes really attractive. — Bruce Friedman

My friend is a rather old-fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant – especially in her language.

She and her husband were planning a weeks vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a particular campground and asked for reservations.

She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didnt quite know how to ask about the toilet privileges in her letter. She finally came up with the term Bathroom Commode, and that being even too forward in her eyes, she abbreviated it to B.C.

The campground owner wasnt old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter he just couldnt figure out what the woman was talking about or what B.C. stood for. Finally, he showed the letter to several campers and they all reached the conclusion that the lady must be talking about the local Baptist Church. So the campground owner sent off the following letter in return:

Dear Madam:

I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take pleasure in informing you that a B.C. is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at the same time.

I admit that it is quite a distance away and if you are in the habit of going regularly it may seem too far, but, no doubt, you will make a day of it, and you might be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along, so you wont feel alone, as they make a day of it, too.

They usually arrive early and stay late. The last time my wife and I went was six years ago and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there.

It may interest you to know that right now there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. Theyre going to hold it in the basement of the B.C.

If you decide to come to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks.

Remember, this is a friendly community!

Microsoft files trademark infringement lawsuit

REDMOND, WA (APR. 27) BUSINESS WIRE – Microsoft Corp. announced today that they have filed a trademark infringement lawsuit against Kimberly-Clark Paper Company. The lawsuit claims that Kimberly-Clark has knowingly violated trademark laws in their introduction of Windows TP line of paper products.

The lawsuit names four separate products from Kimberly-Clark: The Windows TP Quilted for home use and the discerning business, The Windows TP Non-Quilted quality bargain brand for general business and office use, The Windows TP Floppy Roughness for extended shelf life, and the Windows TP CD-ROM Recycled Waterproof Roughness for schools and backpackers.

Kimberly-Clark has acknowledged the lawsuit. In a written statement to the press, a spokesperson for Kimberly-Clark said, Our product and computer software are unrelated. While it may be said that both Microsofts product and ours have similar uses, we believe that they are sufficiently different that both can maintain the Windows TP name without infringement.

A Microsoft spokesperson said, Our Windows TP product was conceived in the exact same place where the Kimberly-Clark product will be used, and thus is in clear violation of trademark laws. Also, every restroom facility already has a Window in it, and more of these facilities are moving to computer automation.

We feel that our Windows TP operating system will be in millions of bathrooms within the next year, and there are enough brands of TP out on the market already without adding another which clearly violates Microsofts trademark.

REDMOND, WA (APR. 29) – Business Day

Mr. Gates has no intention of deifying himself a Microsoft spokesperson reassured an anxious delegation of meditators to-day. It is traditional for the development team of a Microsoft product to include their names and bitmaps in the product. These bitmaps are only made visible through the activation of a backdoor – an unusual combination of keystrokes.

In the case of TPW (the telepathic version of Windows) the beta waves generated by the meditation activated the word beta embedded in the version number contained in the code. This in turn triggered the release of the bitmap of Mr Gates, the spokesperson ended.

From the explanation given by the delegation it appears that the sudden appearance of the image of Mr Bill Gates led several of the less experienced meditators to believe that they had been made privy to the appearance of the next saviour of the world.

When asked if this problem would be corrected before the product was released, the Microsoft spokesperson said that it was not official policy to comment on unreleased products.

Originally from Dave Coble
Read also:
Part 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5

For the first time in, oh, a decade, I think, something from Microsoft shipped on time: Jennifer Katharine Gates, weighed 8 pounds 6 ounces when she was downloaded, er, born on Friday, April 26 at 6:11pm. And what do Baby Gates and Daddys products have in common? 1. Neither can stand on its own two feet without a LOT of third party support. 2. Both barf all over themselves regularly. 3. Regardless of the problem, calling Microsoft Tech Support wont help. 4. As they mature, we pray that they will be better than that which preceeded them. 5. At first release theyre relatively compact, but they seem to grow and grow and grow with each passing year. 6. Although announced with great fanfare, pretty much anyone could have produced one. 7. They arrive in shaky condition with inadequate documentation. 8. No matter what, it takes several months between the announcement and the actual release. 9. Bill gets the credit but someone else did most of the work. 10. For at least the next year, theyll suck.

Q: What do you get when you cross a raven with a mad dog? A: A ravin lunatic.