Old and New Jokes

How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Thats what grad students are for

Q:why did hitler kill himself after world war two?


A:because he got the gas bill

Real stories from Flight Attendants apologizing for rough transport on the airlines …

From a disgruntled Southwest Airlines employee….

Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you dont know how to operate one, you probably shouldnt be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but theyll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.

United Airlines FA: Ladies and Gentlemen, as you are all now painfully aware, our Captain has landed in Seattle. From all of us at United Airlines wed like to thank you for flying with us today and please be very careful as you open the overhead bins as you may be killed by falling luggage that shifted during our so called touchdown.

About 5 or 6 years ago I was on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day. I could tell during the final that the Captain was really having to fight it, and after an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelt fastened while the Captain taxis whats left of our airplane to the gate!

Another flight Attendants comment on a less than perfect landing: We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.

Overheard by a guy giving rides: Sorry about the rough landing, but Im practicing for a job at SAS. Next time Ill try to lose your luggage.

Upon landing hard, the pilot gets on the PA system, Sorry folks for the hard landing. It wasnt the pilots fault, and it wasnt the planes fault … it was the asphalt.

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his plane into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a Thanks for flying XYZ airline.

He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?

Why no said the pilot, Maam, what is it?

The little old lady said, Did we land or were we shot down?

Why dont you hear any Jim Jones jokes anymore?

The punch lines are too long.

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.

2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.

3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.

4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.

5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.

6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.

7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesimally small, is not exactly zero.

8. If at first I dont succeed, there is always next year.

9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.

10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.

11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.

12. I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.

13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.

14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinators Society) if they ever get it organized.

Yo mama so poor that when she went she went to McDonalds she put a milkshake on layaway.

THE KIDDIE PICK…When youre by yourself and you uninhibitedly twist your forefinger into your nostril with childlike joy and freedom. And the best part is, theres no time limit!

CAMOUFLAGED KIDDIE PICK…When, in the presence of other people, you wrap your forefinger in a tissue, then thrust it in deep and hold back the smile.

FAKE NOSE SCRATCH…When you make believe youve got an itch but youre really trolling the nostril edge for stray boogers.

MAKING A MEAL OUT OF IT…You do it so furiously, and for so long, youre probably entitled to dessert.

SURPRISE PICKINGS…When a sneeze or laugh causes snot to come hurtling out of your nose, and you have to gracefully clean it off your shirt.

AUTO PICK…The kind you do in a car, when no ones looking.

PICK YOUR BRAINS…Done in private, this is the one where your finger goes in so far, it passes the septum.

PICK AND SAVE…When you have to pick it quickly, just when someone looks away, and then you pocket the snot so they dont catch on to what you did.

PICK AND ROLL…No explanation needed.

PICK AND FLICK…Ditto.

PICK AND STICK…You wanted it to be a Pick and Flick, but it stubbornly clings to your fingertip.

PAY DIRT…The kind where you remove a piece of snot so big, it improves your breathing by 90%.

A man went to the doctor for his yearly physical, and afterwards the doctor sat him down and told him he needed to talk. He said I have bad news, and worse news – which one do you want to hear first?The patient says Well I guess give me the bad news first…Doctor replies, Youve got AIDS.Oh, no! What could be worse than that? asks the patient.Youve also got Alzheimers Disease.Looking relieved, the patient sits for a minute then says, Oh…Well, thats not so bad. At least I dont have AIDS.

Llega Pepito a la escuela con un ojo morado.

¿Qué te pasó?, le pregunta la maestra.

Es que en mi casa somos muy pobres y dormimos en la misma cama mi mami, mi papi, mi hermanito y yo; en la noche mi papi se subió en mi mami y decía: Ahhhggg, ahhhggg, aggghhhh. Después me preguntó: ¿Hijo, estás dormido?, y yo le contesté: No, papi, y ¡zas! Feroz combo.

Esta noche quédate callado, le aconseja la maestra.

Al día siguiente, Pepito llega con el otro ojo morado y enseguida, la maestra le pregunta:

¿Por qué no te quedaste callado?

Es que, mire, maestra, nosotros muy pero muy pobres y mi papi se le subió a mi mamá y decía: Ahhhggg, ahhhggg, aggghhhha, y yo callado, maestra. Y luego más rápido: Ahhhggg, ahhhggg, aggghhhh, y yo callado. Entonces mi papi le dijo a mi mamá: Vieja, me voy, me voy. Y yo le dije: Papi, llévame…, y ¡zas! Feroz combo.

Bueno, cuando tu papi le diga eso a tu mamá quédate callado.

Al día siguiente, llega el niño con la mano rota y enyesada y otra vez le cuenta a la maestra:

Es que somos muy pero muy pobres y mi papi otra vez encima de mamá y yo callado. Mi papi decía: Ahhhggg, ahhhggg, aggghhhh, y yo callado; entonces otra vez: Vieja, me voy, me voy, y yo callado, callado y, entonces, la cama se empezó a mover rapidito y mi hermanito, de rebote en rebote, se cayó de la cama y yo callado. En aquel momento, mi papi le dijo a mi mamá: Vieja ¿nos echamos el otro?, y yo le dije: No, papi, yo me bajo solito.

10) He does not have a beer gut; he has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

9) He is not quiet; he is a CONVERSATIONAL MINIMALIST.



He does not get lost all the time; he DISCOVERS ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.



7) He is not balding; he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.



6) He does not get falling-down drunk; he becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.



5) He is not short; he is ANATOMICALLY COMPACT.



4) He does not constantly talk about cars; he has a VEHICULAR ADDICTION.



3) He does not eat like a pig; he suffers from REVERSE BULIMIA.



2) He is not a bad dancer with no rhythm; he is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.



1) He is not afraid of commitment; he is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.