Old and New Jokes

Sung to the tune of The Beverly Hillbillies

Come and listen to my story bout a man named John,

A poor ex-marine with little fraction gone,

It seems one night after gettin with the wife,

She lopped off his dong with the swipe of a knife.

Penis, that is.

Clean Cut. Missed his nuts.

Well, the next thing you know theres a Ginsu by his side,

And Lorenas in the car taken Willie for a ride.

She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend

And tossed him out the window as she rounded a bend.

Curve, that is.

Tossed the nub. In the shrub.

She went to the cops and confessed to the attack,

And they called out the hounds just to get his weenie back.

They sniffed and they barked and they pointed Over there

To John Waynes henry that was waving in the air.

Found, that is.

By a fence. Evidence.

Now peter and John couldnt stay apart too long

So a dick doc said, Hey, I can fix that dong!

A needle and a thread is all were gonna need

And the whole world waited till they heard that

Johnny peed.

Whizzed, that is.

Even seam. Straight stream.

Well he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court

With a half-assed lawyer cause his assets came up short.

They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape,

And his pecker was the only thing they didnt show on tape.

Video, that is.

Unexposed. Case Closed.

Yall sleep on your stomachs now, ya hear?

How do you get a one armed blonde off a flag pole?

Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says, Doc, Im getting married this weekend and my fiance thinks Im a virgin. Is there anything you can do to help me?

After the doctor stops laughing he says, Medically, no, but heres something you can try. On the wedding night, when youre getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh. When your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him its your virginity snapping. The woman loves this idea, and knows her hubby-to-be will fall for it.

They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man. Things begin to progress and as her hubby slips it in, she snaps the elastic band. The hubby asks:

What the hell was that?

The wife explains, Oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping.

The husband cries out, Well snap it again, its got my balls!

www

You might be a redneck if…
Youve ever bought a used cap.

Once upon a midnight dreary,

fingers cramped and vision bleary,

System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor

Longing for the warmth of bedsheets,

Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets;

Having reached the bottom line,

I took a floppy from the drawer.

Typing with a steady hand,

Then invoked the SAVE command

But I got a reprimand: it read Abort, Retry, Ignore.

Was this some occult illusion?

Some maniacal intrusion?

These were choices Solomon himself had never faced before.

Carefully, I weighed my options.

These three seemed to be the top ones.

Clearly I must now adopt one:

Choose Abort, Retry, Ignore.

With my fingers pale and trembling,

Slowly toward the keyboard bending,

Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,

Praying for some guarantee

Finally I pressed a key–

But on the screen what did I see?

Again: Abort, Retry, Ignore.

I tried to catch the chips off-guard–

I pressed again, but twice as hard.

Luck was just not in the cards.

I saw what I had seen before.

Now I typed in desperation

Trying random combinations

Still there came the incantation:

Choose: Abort, Retry, Ignore.

There I sat, distraught exhausted,

by my own machine accosted

Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.

And then I saw an awful sight:

A bold and blinding flash of light–

A lightning bolt had cut the night and shook me to my very core.

I saw the screen collapse and die

Oh no — my data base, I cried

I thought I heard a voice reply,

Youll see your data Nevermore!

To this day I do not know

The place to which lost data goes

I bet it goes to heaven where the angels have it stored

But as for productivity, well

I fear that IT goes straight to hell

And thats the tale I have to tell

Your choice: Abort, Retry, Ignore.

There once was a little green man, who lived in a little green house. One day he went into his little green house and went up his little green stairs. He went into his little green bathroom and got into his little green bath.
There was a knock at the door. The little green man got out of his little green bath and put on a little green towel. He went down the little green stairs and answered the door. There was a beautiful woman standing on the door step. She told him that he had just won £1,000,000. The little green man was so suprised that he dropped his little green towel. The woman screamed and ran across the road, and she was hit by a truck.
What is the moral of the story?Never run across the road when the green man is flashing!

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the Presidents of the brewreys decide to go to the pub for a drink. The coors President said "Can I have the only beer made with Rocky Mountain Spring Water: a Coors, please."
The bartender gave him the drink.Then the Budweiser President orders, "The King Of Beers — Budweiser."
The bartender proceeds with the order.The Amstel President walks in and orders "The Finest Beer ever."
The bartender gives him an Amstel.Then the Guinness President says, "Ill have a coke please."
The bartender is taken aback by this but gives the coke to him anyway.All the Presidents looked over at him and said, "Why have you ordered a coke?"
He replied, "Well if you all arent drinking beer, then neither shall I."

Beer is made by fermentation caused by bacteria feeding on yeast cells and then defecating.

In other words, its a nice tall glass of bacteria shit.

One morning a long-wed couple were in an amourous embrace and the wife says: Honey, that Viagra is so wonderful, let me fix us a nice full breakfast… eggs, bacon, toast…
The husband says: No, Im not hungry, the viagra takes away my appetite.

Later in the day, the wife says: Sweetheart, I want to do something for you, let me fix you a nice wholesome lunch, fresh salad with your favorite ingredients, steamed veggies, and some grilled fish fillets…

The husband again refuses, Im just not hungry after using that viagra.

Long about dinner time, the wife tries again, Are you hungry yet?, Ill fix a steak and potatoes dinner with hot rolls.

The husband still refuses, No, that Viagra just kills my appetite.

The wife then firmly says well, Im getting something to eat, so get OFF of me!!!

This farmer has a cross-eyed cow that keeps bumping into things. He calls up to vet to try to remedy the problem.

The vet says. I think the best thing is to stick a pipe up his ass and blow real hard and the cows eyes will straighten out. The vet – a 70 year old man – inserts the pipe and blows. The cows eyes begin to straighten, but the vet soon looses his breath and the cows eyes are crossed again. The vet gives it another try, but looses his breath again. The vet looks at the farmer – a young healthy man – and says, you look like a strong man, why dont you give it a try.

The farmer agrees. He then takes the pipe out of the cows ass, turns it around, and sticks it back in. He then begins to blow.

Holy smokes, says the vet. What in the hell did you do that for.

The farmer replies, You dont think I am gonna put my mouth on the same end of the pipe that you had your on.