Old and New Jokes

You might be a redneck if…
Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off it.

What do you call a dead athiest?

All dressed up and no place to go!

Morris was telling his friend Mendel a joke, Mandelbaum and Rosenstern were talking one day…

Right away, his friend, Mendel, interrupts him, Always with the Jewish jokes! Give it a rest! Why do they always have to be about Jews? Dont you know some jokes that arent about Jews!

So he starts again, Okay, Hashimoto and Suzuki were talking one day at their nephews Bar Mitzvah…

Little Johnny has to stay at Grandmas for the weekend. Being an old school gal, bathing Little Johnny with her, Grandma sees no harm. So, there they are in the shower and Johnny points to Grandmas crotch and says, Grandma, whats that?!?

Grandma, somewhat shocked, quickly replies, Thats my beaver, Johnny.

Oh, okay. And this answer seems to appease Johnnys curiousity.

Well, Johnny returns home, and one morning, Mom is running late for work. She decides that to save time, shed bathe Johnny with her. Off to the shower, and once again, Johnny sees something not so familiar to him. Mom, whats that? asks Johnny pointing to Moms nether regions.

Taken back, Mom says, Johnny, thats my beaver.

Johnny replies, I thought so. I think Grandmas is dead. Its tongue is hanging out and its all gray and wrinkled!

You think Wal-Mart is expensive.

Youve got more guns On Display than Wal-Mart Sporting Goods.

You have ever written a check for less than a dollar.

Q: How do you make an oboist play a sustained A-flat?
A: Steal his batteries.

Q: How many gun control advocates does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Let the police do it – private citizens cant be trusted with light bulbs !

There was a little guy sitting at a bar drinking a beer. A while later a huge guy walked into the bar and he went up to the little guy and karate chopped him in the back. The little guy fell off his bar stool and when he got up the big guy said, That was a karate chop from Korea.

The big guy went to the restroom and the little guy ordered himself another beer. About 20 minutes later the big guy came back and karate choped the little guy in the back again. The little guy got up and dusted himself off and the big guy told him,That was a karate chop from China.

The little guy got up and decided he wasnt going to take any more of this, so he left the bar. About an hour later the little guy comes back to the bar and he hits the big guy in the back. The big guy is knocked out cold and hes on the floor. The little guy tells the bartender , Tell him that was a crowbar from Sears!

First Lady Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno were having one of those girl to girl talks.

Hillary says to Janet, Youre lucky that you dont have to put up with men having sex with you.

I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his pecker.

Janet responded, Just because I am aesthetically challenged (thats politically correct for ugly) doesnt mean I dont have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances.

Hillary asks, Well, how do you deal with the problem?

Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest fart that I can, says Janet.

That night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary slips into bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action.

She had been saving her farts all day, and was ready for him. She tenses up her butt cheeks and forces out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine.

Bill rolls over and says, Janet, is that you?

Q. Why did the male sheep fall off the cliff?



A. He didnt see the Ewe turn!