Old and New Jokes

A doctor on his rounds in a mental hospital sees a couple of patients behaving rather strangely.

The first man is sitting on the edge of his bed clutching an imaginary steering wheel and making loud noises like a truck. VRROOOOM, VRRROOOOMM… SCREEEECH…..

What are you doing? inquires the doctor.

Im taking this road down to Barcelona, replies the ex-trucker.

Somewhat taken aback but not to be put off the doctor moves on to the next bed where he can see some very energetic activity going on underneath the covers.

On pulling them back he finds a man totally naked face down into the mattress.

And what are you doing? asks the doctor, a little perplexed.

Well, pants the man, While hes in Barcelona, Im fucking his wife.

…and decided to see what Farmer Smith was making for breakfast. Papa mole stuck his nose out of the burrow and said, I smell sausages.Mama mole squeezed in beside Papa mole and sniffed the air and said, I smell pancakesBaby mole tried to get up to the surface but the other two moles were blocking the way.All I smell, he said sniffing the air, is molasses.

Dear Son,

Im writing this slow cause I know you cant read fast. We dont live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Wont be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldnt have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and havent seen em since.

It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.

The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didnt make the final payment on Grandmas funderal bill, up she comes.

About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I havent found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so dont know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.

Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safery. The other 2 drowned. They couldnt get the tail gate down.

Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you dont get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.

Love, Ma

The car was pulled over by a highway patrol woman for speeding.

As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car. What are those for? she asked suspiciously.

Im a juggler, the man replied. I use those in my act.

Well, show me, the officer demanded.

The juggler took out the machetes and started juggling them; first three, then more until he was tossing seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show in the breakdown lane and amazing the officer.

Just then, another car passed by. The driver did a double take, and said, My God. Ive got to give up drinking! Look at the test theyre giving now.

The MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that youre paying too much for the AT&T virus.

An Indian brave returns from a scouting trip and seeks out the Chief.

Chief, I have bad news, worse news and good news.

The Chief asks for the bad news first.

Scout says, No more buffalo on reservation, we kill last one today.

Chief asks for the worse news.

Brave says, Our land is being overrun by white men. They are coming by the
thousands.

Finally the chief asks for the good news.

The brave says, Chief, the white men taste just like buffalo.

El juez se dirige al condenado:

Se le acusa de haber ahorcado a su madre; decapitado a su padre; descuartizado a sus hermanos; incinerado a su tía y haber envenenado al gato… ¿Acaso usted no calculó el daño que estaba haciendo?

¡No, señoría, yo siempre fui tan malo para las matemáticas!, contesta quejumbroso el delincuente.

A man is eating in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous blonde eating at the next table. He has been checking her out all night, but lacks the nerve to go talk to her.

Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of her socket towards the man. He reflexively grabs and snatches it out of the air.



Oh my goodness, I am sooo sorry, the woman says, as she pops her eye back in place. Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you.



They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to breakfast the next morning. When he arrives the next morning, she has cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!!



You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?



No, she replies………



You just happened to catch my eye.

Stop repeat offenders. Dont re-elect them!

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

Taxation WITH representation isnt so hot, either!

One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair.

She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?

Her mother replied, Well, every time that a little girl does something wrong and makes her mommy cry or makes her unhappy, one of her hairs turns white.

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and said:

You must have really pissed off Grandma.