10
Apr

Shy guy

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, No, I wont sleep with you tonight! Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, Im sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, Im a graduate student in psychology and Im studying how people respond to embarrassing situations. To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, What do you mean $200?

10
Apr

Miscellaneous Unproductive Time

It has come to my attention recently that many people have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of Miscellaneous Unproductive Time (code 5300). To our department, unproductive time isnt a problem.
What is a problem is not knowing exactly what people are doing during their unproductive time.
Ive attached a sheet specifying a tentative extended job list based on my observations of employee activities. The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please distribute this as necessary, and let me know about any difficulties.
For your timesheets:

Job numberExplanation
5300Meeting
5300-100
    Obstructing Communications at Meeting
5300-200
    Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting
5310
Breaks5310-100
    Waiting for Break
5310-110
        Buying Snack
5310-120
        Eating Snack
5310-200
    Waiting for Lunch
5310-210
        Ordering Out
5310-220
        Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive
5310-230
        Taking it Easy While Digesting Food
5310-300
    Waiting for End of Day
5310-400
    Personal Evacuation
5310-410
        Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes)
5310-500
    Company Drug Policy
5310-510
        Recreational Drug Use
5320Employee Relations
5320-100
    Gossip
5320-110
        Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker
5320-120
        Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While Coworker is not Present
5320-200
    Incompetence
5320-210
        Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend
5320-220
        Covering for Incompetence of Manager
5320-300
    Dealing with Fellow Workers
5320-310
        Pretending You Like Coworker
5320-320
        Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They are Jerks
5320-330
        Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity
5320-400
    Hazing of Employees
5320-410
        Playing Pranks on the New Employee
5320-420
        Playing Pranks on a Regular Employee
5320-430         Playing Pranks on an Incompetent Employee
5320-440         Playing Pranks on a Competent Employee
5320-450         Playing Pranks on the Intern/Temp
5320-460         Taking Credit for Playing Pranks on any Employee
5320-500
    Sexual Harassment in the Workplace
5320-510
        Making Passes at Coworker
5320-520         Sexually Harassing Coworker
5320-530         Sexual Intercourse
5320-540         Flirting
5330 Employee Training
5330-100     Concepts and Procedures
5330-110         Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is not Interested in Learning
5330-120         Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid
5330-130         Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You
5340 Procurement
5340-100     Company Goods
5340-110         Stealing Company Goods
5340-120         Making Excuses after Accidentally Destroying Company Goods

5340-130         Grocery Shopping (Coffee, Tea, M&Ms…)
5340-200     Company Resources
5340-210         Using Company Resources for Personal Profit
5340-220         Running your own Business on Company Time
5340-230         Working on a second job during Company Time
5350 Timesheet Activities
5350-100
    Filling Out Timesheet
5350-200     Timesheet Entries
5350-210         Inventing Timesheet Entries
5350-220         Organizing Timesheet Entries

5360 Telephone Activities
5360-100     Long-Distance Calls
5360-110         Personal Calls
5360-200     Speaking to a professional
5360-210         Divorce Lawyer
5360-220         Plumber
5360-230         Dentist
5360-240         Doctor
5360-300     Speaking to a contractor
5360-310         Fence (In Order to Sell Stolen Company Goods)
5360-320         Masseuse
5360-330         House Painter
5360-340         Personal Therapist
5360-350         Mistress
5360-400     Sales Calls
5360-410         Someone who wants to be your broker
5360-420         Hardware vendors who think you make decisions
5360-430         Software vendors who think the company will spend money to make your job easier
5360-440         Systems vendors who want to automate your job

5370 Complaints
5370-100     Bitching about:
5370-110         Lousy Job
5370-120         Low Pay
5370-130         Long Hours
5370-140         Coworker
5370-150         Boss
5370-160         Personal Problems
5370-170         General Bitching
5370-180         Business Difficulties

5380 Inspirational Activities
5380-100     Anticipation
5380-110         Waiting for Something to Happen
5380-200     Personal Hygiene
5380-210         Scratching Yourself
5380-220         Sleeping
5380-300     Personal Feelings
5389-310         Feeling Horny
5380-320         Feeling Bored
5380-330         Feeling Sorry For Yourself
5380-400     Meditation
5380-410         Staring Into Space
5380-420         Staring At Computer Screen
5380-430         Transcendental Meditation
5380-500     Fantasizing
5380-510         Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching
5380-520         Pretending to Enjoy Your Job
5380-530         Unproductive Fantasizing

5390 Networking
5390-100     Fictional Writing
5390-110         Writing a Book on Company Time
5390-120         Writing an expose about the Company on Company Time
5390-200     Technical Writing
5390-210         Sending Jokes around the Office
5390-220         Sending Jokes around the Internet
5400Event Planning
5400-100    Birthdays
5400-200    Anniversaries
5400-300    Vacations
5400-400    Weddings

10
Apr

Theory of the Stork

Two different theories exist concerning the origin of children: the theory of sexual reproduction, and the theory of the stork.

Many people believe in the theory of sexual reproduction because they have been taught this theory at school. In reality, however, many of the worlds leading scientists are in favour of the theory of the stork.

If the theory of sexual reproduction is taught in schools, it must only be taught as a theory and not as the truth. Alternative theories, such as the theory of the stork, must also be taught.

Evidence supporting the theory of the stork includes the following:

1. It is a scientifically established fact that the stork does exist. This can be confirmed by every ornithologist.

2. The alledged human foetal development contains several features that the theory of sexual reproduction is unable to explain.

3. The theory of sexual reproduction implies that a child is approximately nine months old at birth. This is an absurd claim. Everyone knows that a newborn child is newborn.

4. According to the theory of sexual reproduction, children are a result of sexual intercourse. There are, however, several well-documented cases where sexual intercourse has not led to the birth of a child.

5. Statistical studies in the Netherlands have indicated a positive correlation between the birth rate and the number of storks. Both are decreasing.

6. The theory of the stork can be investigated by rigorous scientific methods. The only assumption involved is that children are delivered by the stork.

10
Apr

Top-10 Product Placements In Upcoming Summer Blockbusters This comes from CNETs Digital Dispatch, also referring to eonline.


The selling of computer technology has gone far beyond ads in Byte and the occasional taxicab placard at Comdex. This year, computer companies are getting more aggressive with their marketing dollars.

The proof? These planned product placements in the upcoming summer blockbuster movies:

  1. In Batman and Robin, Bat Signal replaced by Internet Explorer logo
  2. In Speed 2: Cruise Control, Dibas belly-button Internet appliance worn by Sandra Bullock
  3. The Lost World: Microsoft pays to have Jeff Goldblum eaten by T. rex while waiting for PowerBook to boot
  4. Netscape pays Bruce Willis to discover The Fifth Element: JavaScript
  5. Titanic: IBMs Deep Blue supercomputer predicts path of icebergs; ship changes course; and they all live happily ever after
  6. Men in Black: Will Smith replaces CPU in alien mothership with flawed Pentium II; ship misses Earth, crashes into Venus instead
  7. Austin Powers: uses Palm Pilot to keep track of sexual conquests
  8. Apple puts all its summer marketing money into product placement in the guaranteed mega-smash, Free Willy 3 (targeting the wealthy 8- to 10-year-old, computer-buying demographic)
  9. Mortal Kombat II: Annihilation: free AOL CD-ROMs used as deadly throwing stars
  10. Air Force One: Harrison Ford launches thermonuclear attack on Seattle with brand-new Oracle Network Computer; Larry Ellison in cameo as Secretary of Defense


For the latest in summer entertainment, check out the Web site of E!: The Entertainment Network: http://www.eonline.com/

09
Apr

Knock Knock Whos there? Rabbit! Rabbit who? Rabbit up

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Rabbit!
Rabbit who?
Rabbit up carefully, its a present!

09
Apr

Yo mama is so ugly

Yo mama so ugly just after she was born, her mother said What a treasure! and her father said Yes, lets go bury it.

09
Apr

Did you hear about the new blonde paint?

Did you hear about the new blonde paint? Its not real bright, but its cheap, and spreads easy.

09
Apr

Despus de una larga travesa,

Después de una larga travesía, dos marineros llegan al puerto y lo primero que hacen es dirigirse al bar a tomarse unos tragos. Al rato de estar, el dueño del bar dice:

Ahora damos inicio al show… 2,000 pesos al que haga llorar al gran elefante!

Pasan varios y los intentos son en vano. Entonces un marinero le dice al otro: Esos 2000 pesos son míos.

Sale el marino a la calle, busca dos hermosas piedras y regresa donde el gran elefante y se le pone de frente con las piedras en las manos levantadas, enseñándoselas… se va detrás del elefante y le pega en los huevos como si estuviera con platillos… resultado, el gran elefante era una mar de llanto… el escándalo, el dueño afligido… qué barbaridad, me lisiaste a mi elefante, toma y no regreses…

Al cabo de varios años, regresa el mismo marino al mismo puerto y se dirige al bar, entra y está el mismo show del gran elefante… da inicio y dice el dueño: 4000 al que haga decir al gran elefante primero SI y despues NO.

Entonces nuestro marinero dice: esos 4000 son míos…

Pero apenas se levanta, el dueño lo encara y le dice que él no por que la última vez le ocasionó mucho daño al elefante.

No se preocupe, no le haré ningún daño.

Sale a la calle, recoge dos hermosas piedras, una en cada mano, se pone enfrete del gran elefante y le dice: Elefantito… te acordás de mi… y el elefante asustado levanta el moco y sacude la cabeza indicando Sí.

¿Querrés que te lo vueva hacer?

Y el elefante sacude la cabeza: ¡NOOOO!

09
Apr

Lesbian Ritz

Q: What is the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?

A: One is a snack cracker and the other is a crack snacker.

09
Apr

I own the fastest car

A man goes out and buys the best car available in the US or Europe, a 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped, both looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks What kind of car ya got there, sonny?.

The dude replies A 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. They cost $500,000.

Thats a lotta money! says the old man, shocked. Why does it cost so much?

Cause this car can do up to 320 miles an hour! states the cool dude proudly.

The old man asks Can I take a look inside?

Sure replies the owner.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says Thats a pretty nice car, alright!

Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320. Suddenly, the guy notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!

Whhhoooooooooossssshhhhhh! Something whips by him! Going maybe three times as fast!

The guy wonders what on earth could be going faster than my Turbo BeepBeeP? Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him.

Whooooooooooosh! Goes by again! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! Couldnt be thinks the guy. How could a moped outrun a Turbo BeepBeep? Again, he sees a dot in his rearview mirror!

WhoooooooshhhhhhhhKa-BbbbblaMMMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.

The guy jumps out and discovers it is the old man! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. The guy runs up to the dying old man and asks Youre hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?

The old man replies yeah. Unhook my suspenders from the side-view mirror on your car!