Old and New Jokes

Little jonnys in class and the teacher says there are 3 magpies sitting on the fence the farmer shoots one how many are left little jonny says there would be none left miss,the teacher says no there would be two left ,little jonny says no if the farmer shoots one the other two will fly off ,the teacher says no your wrong but i like the way your thinking,little jonny says can i ask you a question miss,ok she says little jonny says three woman walking down the street one is biting a lolly,one is sucking a lolly,one is licking a lolly which one is married.looking a bit flustered the teacher says well i suppose the one sucking a lolly,he says no the one with the wedding ring on her finger but i like the way your thinking…

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes froze the end of my nose.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Why is the word big so little and the word little so big?

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

A car was involved in an accident in a street. As expected a large crowd gathered. A newspaper reporter, anxious to get his story could not get near the car.

Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim.

The crowd made way for him.

Lying in front of the car was a donkey.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

4. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.

Looked around for the bastard that must have shot her.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

You might be a redneck if…
You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.

James and Beverly Jenkins had been married for twelve years when they mutually agreed to end it and get divorced. After the divorce was granted, that same day, as they stood facing each other for what could be the last time, James asked Beverly if she would mind him asking one last question. Not at all, go right ahead, she replied.

Well, their is one thing that has always bother me. We have five kids with brown hair but youngest one, little Jimmy, has blonde hair. So, please tell me, whose kid is Jimmy?

I just cant tell you, James. The answer would hurt you too much.

Ill be fine. Now that were divorced, finding out whoever Jimmy came from cant hurt me too much.

Well, if its that important to you…Jimmy is your child.

Q: Who is the most popular man in a nudist colony?

A: The one who can carry 2 large coffees and a dozen donuts.

Q: Who is the most popular woman in a nudist colony?

A: The one who can eat the last two donuts.

A lady goes to the doctor to see about getting a facelift.

Well, says the doctor, I can do the facelift, and then youll have to come back in six months for a follow-up.

Oh, no. the woman replies. I want it all done in one shot. I dont want to have to come back.

The doctor thinks for a second, then offers, There is a new procedure where we put a screw in the top of your head. Then anytime you see wrinkles appearing, you just give it a little turn, which pulls the skin up and they disappear.

Thats what I want! exclaims the lady. Lets do that. Six months later the lady charges into the doctors office.

Well, hows the procedure holding up? the doctor asks. Terrible! the lady bellows. Its the worst mistake Ive ever made.

Whats wrong? asks the doctor. Just look at these bags under my eyes! she hollers.

Lady, the doctor reports, those arent bags, those are your boobs, and if you dont leave that screw alone, youre going to have a beard!