Old and New Jokes

Little Johnny refused to eat. So his mother, in desperation, took him to the psychiatrist, who tried many methods, to no avail. The psychiatrist asked, What would you like to eat?

Worms Little Johnny said. The psychiatrist was gleeful as he sent his nurse for cupful. Placing them on a plate, he said, Here they are.

I want them fried was the response.

The nurse took them and had them fried.

When presented with them, Little Johnny replied that he only desired one. The psychiatrist took one and in a strong voice said, Here is only one. Now eat it.

I only want half and you eat the other was the reply.

The psychiatrist swallowed one half and gave the other to Little Johnny. Just then Little Johnny began to cry. The doctor asked what was wrong.

Little Johnny said, You ate my half!

A guy walks into a bar and rudely demands a shot of 12-yr old scotch.



The bartender thinks this guy doesnt know the difference, so he pours a shot of 2-year old scotch.



The patron takes one sip and spits it out. He promptly hollers at the bartender I said 12-year old scotch, you bozo!



Still unimpressed the bartender pours some 6-year old scotch.

The patron takes a sip…same reaction.



But the bartender still doesnt believe the patron knows the difference. So he pours a shot of 10-year old scotch. Again, same reaction from the patron.



Finally, the bartender is convinced. He pours the patron a glass of 12-year-old scotch. The patron takes a sip and is most satisfied.



All the while this has been going on, a drunk at the end of the bar has been watching.



He slides a shot glass down the bar to the patron and drunkedly says:

Shay mishter, tashte this! The patron obliges…he promptly spits it out.



That tastes like pee!, he shoots back at the drunk.



The drunk replies: It ish. Now how old am I?

Since the Introduction of the Euro, dictionaries and thesaurus are having to change the phrase to spend a penny to euronating.

Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.

Hubby: As a start I think you should learn to iron, then we could
do without the ironing lady.

Blonde Wife: Well if you would learn to fuck me properly we could do
without the gardener.

A blonde and a brunette decided to hold a contest. The contest was simple: they would both jump off a bridge and see who would hit the water first.

They both jumped off the bridge at the same time. Who hit the water first?

The brunette did. The blonde stopped halfway down and asked for directions.

Yet another pic of my drunk ass ex-husband passed out as usual.


Notice how he doesnt even wake up when the dog walks on him.

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctors office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you dont do the following, your husband will surely die.

Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Dont burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Dont discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, you should satisfy his every whim sexually several times a week.

If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. What did the doctor say?

Youre going to die, she replied.

Elderly Man Sued for Stopping at Stop Sign
September 9, 2002 – Atlanta, USA
In a case possibly first of its kind, 67 year old Arthur Thompson is being sued by 32 year old Lynn Manaouski for stopping at a 4-way stop sign. In her statement she described how she came up to the intersection leading into her downtown condo, and rear ended the driver in front of her due to his complete and full stop. She continues to say that of the almost 2 years of living in that particular condominium complex, she had not once been behind someone who had made a full stop at the stop sign, and that his inability to be consistent with typical driving patterns caused the accident. As a result, she is convinced that Mr. Thompson is directly responsible for the accident and should be held accountable for all incurred costs of repair to both vehicles. When reminded that it is the law to make a complete stop at a stop sign, her abrupt response was I am quite capable of deciding when it is a good or bad time to stop my vehicle.
——————————————————————————–Worlds Cheapest Tip
September 1, 2002 – Arkansas, USA
An Arkansas primary school teacher has been declared the worlds cheapest tipper after ordering more than $250 worth of food and drinks for his wife and self and leaving a 5 rupee tip. Rupee, an Indian currency, is worth approximately 0.02 of an American dollar. When questioned the man replied, I had just returned from a trip to India and I had mistaken the coins for more valuable American currency. Relaying this to the offended waitress she responded, His excuse is weak, since when would you be cracking out foreign coins (that do not even resemble American money) as a tip for a $250 dollar dinner? There is no way with a bill like that you would use coins to tip at the customary 10%-15%, and even tipping at something like 3% would still need bills. His tip wasnt even a percent!
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Today at the drugstore, the clerk was a gent.

From my purchase this chap took off 10 percent.

I asked for the cause of a lesser amount;

And he answered, Because of the Seniors Discount.

I went to McDonalds for a burger and fries;

And there, once again, got quite a surprise.

The clerk poured some coffee which he handed to me.

He said, For you seniors, the coffee is free.

Understand — Im not old — Im merely mature;

But some things are changing, temporarily, Im sure.

The newspaper print gets smaller each day,

And people speak softer — cant hear what they say.

My teeth are my own (I have the receipt),

and my glasses identify people I meet.

Oh, Ive slowed down a bit … not a lot, I am sure.

You see, Im not old … Im only mature.

The gold in my hair has been bleached by the sun.

You should see all the damage that chlorine has done.

Washing my hair has turned it all white,

But dont call it gray … saying blond is just right.

My car is all paid for … not a nickel is owed.

Yet a kid yells, Old duffer … get off of the road!

My car has no scratches … not even a dent.

Still I get all that guff from a punk whos Hell bent.

My friends all get older … much faster than me.

They seem much more wrinkled, from what I can see.

Ive got character lines, not wrinkles … for sure,

But dont call me old … just call me mature.

The steps in the houses theyre building today

Are so high that they take … your breath all away;

And the streets are much steeper than 10 years ago.

That should explain why my walking is slow.

But Im keeping up on whats hip and whats new,

And I think I can still dance a mean boogaloo.

Im still in the running … in this Im secure,

Im not really old … Im only mature.