Old and New Jokes

A guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?



She yells, No, I wont sleep with you tonight!



Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.



After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, Im sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, Im a graduate student in psychology and Im studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.



To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, What do you mean $200!?

Sign in a restaurant window: T-bone steak $1 Then, in fine print underneath: With meat $12

A hardware store in Oregon has a sign that reads: Todays special. Below it says: Sos tomorrow.

Sign on restaurant window: Great food (50,000 flies cant be wrong).

Billboard facing the road in front of a funeral home: Drive carefully. Well wait.

Sign in a Maine restaurant: Open 7 days a week and weekends.

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

But, officer, the man began, I can explain

Just be quiet, snapped the officer. Im going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.

But, officer, I just wanted to say

And I said to keep quiet! Youre going to jail!

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, Lucky for you that the chiefs at his daughters wedding. Hell be in a good mood when he gets back.

Dont count on it, answered the fellow in the cell. Im the groom.

If you cannot dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with lies.

Two men and a woman are in training for the cia to be spys. They walked into a hotel where they where suppose to do there last bit of training. There trainers handed the one man a 9mm hand gun and said your wife is in the room in a chair go kill her. The man said i cant do that so the trainer fires him.The same thing happen tothe next man. Finally the woman comes they hand her the gun and said your husband is in there in a chair go kill him. She walks in the room they herd some shots go off then a lot of riot she comes out and says you didnt tell me that fucking gun had blanks so i had to beat him to death with a chair.

This chick walks into a doctors office and the nurse tells her to take off her clothes and that the doctor will be with her in a minute, so she does.

The doctor walks in and take off his coat and starts to feel between her thighs. He asks do you know what Im doing now and she replies youre checking for menopause and he says very good.

Then he starts feeling her tits and he asks her do you know what Im doing now and she says checking for breast cancer and he says very good.

Then he jumps on her and starts rooting her and asks if she knows what hes doing now and she replies contracting genital herpes cause thats why I came to see you

Heres a joke I appropriated from an old TV show:

Police: Mr. Johnson, we have just arrested a thief carrying several
credit cards with Mrs. Johnsons name on them.

Mr. Johnson: Tell the thief he can keep them.

Police: But dont you want your credit cards back?

Mr. Johnson: No. Hes been spending only about half as much as
Mrs. Johnson.

What do men have difficulty retaining?

a) a job b) a budget c) a promise d) a secret e) a friendship f) a

marriage g) an anniversary date h) a 30-minute erection i) all of

the above

WOMEN SEEKING MEN Classifieds translations

Educated means: College dropout

Emotionally Secure means: Medicated

Employed means: Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.

He thinks to himself, This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, Officer, I dont understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?

Maam, the officer replies, You werent speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.

Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly twenty-two miles an hour! the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

But before I let you go, Maam, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they havent muttered a single peep this whole time, the officer asks.

Oh, theyll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 142.