Old and New Jokes

A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, Now how can I tell my wife that Ive got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? Ive managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but shes bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?

Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, Now how do I tell my husband that Ive got really bad breath? Ive been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as hes lived with me for a week, hes bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?

The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, Darling, Ive a confession to make. And she says, So have I, love. To which he replies, Dont tell me, youve eaten my socks!

The patient shook his doctors hand in gratitude and said:
Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by
offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned
you in my will.

That is very kind of you, said the doctor emotionally, and then added,
Can I see that prescription I just gave you? Id like to make a little
change…

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table
watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck
tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to
buy the duck from its owner. After some wheelin and dealin they settled
for $10000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger,
Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and
he didnt dance a single step!

So? asked the ducks former owner, Did you remember to light the candle
under the pot?

A company in the Foreign Legion had spend three years in the Sahara desert
never having seen a woman. They finally decide to send one private on
vacation to the nearest town to spend some time with a woman and tell them
all about it. After a week the private comes back all happy and relaxed.
The whole company crowds around him waiting to hear of his great escapades.
And on the third day… he began,

No! no! start with the first day! everyone yells out in chorus.

And on the third day, the private continues, she asked me to stop so
she could go to the bathroom…

On the wall of a church was a sign,
If you are tired of sin, come to see us!

And right below it in nice rounded letters;
But if youre not, my phone number is 341-3451

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the
meat.

Are you crazy? yelled the customer, You have your hand on my steak!

What? answers the waiter, You want it to fall on the floor again?

There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel and offered
hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner. After a while he started
advancing on her when she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man.

Its o.k., he replied, Its written in the Bible.

So after a wild night of you-know-what the hat check girl asked to see where
in the Bible it says its okay.

The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where
someone wrote in pencil–The hat check girl puts out!

On the steps of this church two pan handlers were doing their daily business.
One wore a large cross on his chest and the other–a star of David.

Of course, most of the church goers generously gave to the cross wearer and
the other was overlooked. Finally the Pastor approached the Jew and
suggested that if he take off the star of David maybe hed get some more
hand outs.

Get this guy, laughs the pan handler and turns to his cross wearing pal,
Trying to teach us how to do business!

A man meets his girl friend of 25 years ago. She was so happy to see him
that she couldnt resist and asked him to come up and see her some time.

With pleasure! says the man.

So he bought some wine and a bunch of flowers and in the evening he went to
see her. When the door opens there she was, stark naked.

Whats this? the man was shocked.

She smiles and says, I wore my birthday dress for you.

Thats great, he says somewhat embarrassed, But couldnt you have pressed
it first?

A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant.
First he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot,
then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold and so on for about
half an hour. Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back
and forth and never once got angry. So finally a second customer asked him
why he didnt throw out the pest.

Oh I dont care. said the waiter with a smile, We dont even have an
air conditioner

A good looking chick walked into an orchard and found a lovely pool in it,
and decided to swim. She looked around, didnt see anyone, and undressed.
Just as she was about to dive in, the watchman appeared from behind the
bush where he was hiding all along and told her that swimming was prohibited.

You could have told me that before I undressed! she scolded him.

Hey! Only swimming is prohibited, undressing isnt, he replied.

A young French girl was visiting New York when her cash funds run dry and
her visa expired. She met a sailor who agreed to stow her aboard his ship
that was about to sail. Every day he would bring her food and drink and
in return all she had to do was give him a bit of love. Lacking much choice,
the girl agreed.

And so everyday, the sailor brought some food and would get some loving in
return. This went on for several weeks until the captain saw the sailor
sneaking around with a tray of food and the whole affair was uncovered.
The captain felt obliged to apologize to the girl:

Im very sorry about all that has happened to you, but you have to admit
the sailor is smart. Do you know youre on the Staten Island Ferry?

An Iraqi was walking on the beach when he was approached by a man. Say Buddy, said the man, Howd you like to take a cruise for $100?

Sure! exclaimed the Iraqi. When he gave the man his money, the guy pulled out a black jack and hit him over the head. He pulled him down to the shore, put him in an inner tube and then shoved him off.

The next day, another Iraqi was walking on the beach, and was approached by the same man, in the same manner. Sure enough, when the second Albanian gave him his money, out came the black jack, and the second Albanian was on his way out to sea.

Several days had passed, and the two Iraqis eventually ran into one another. Hey Buddy, the second asked the first, do they serve drinks on this cruise?

They probably wont. said the first, They didnt last year.

Q. What would you call a Redneck who has successfully completed the 3rd grade?

A. Smart!

This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, and are watching the auctioning off of bulls.


The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off:

A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year.


The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, and comments,


See! That was more than 5 times a month!

The second bull is to be sold: Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year.

Again the wife bugs her husband, Hey, thats some 10 times a month.


What do YOU say to that?!

Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.

The third bull is up for sale: And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 360 times last year!


The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells,


Thats once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!

The husband was pretty irritated by now, and yells back, Sure, once a day!


But ask the announcer if they were all with the same fat cow!!

This hillbilly is traveling across Texas when a state policeman pulls him over.

You got any I.D.? the patrolman asked.

Bout what? the hillbilly replied.

An avid golfer hits his ball into the woods. As he goes to look for it, he stumbles upon a leprechaun who is brewing a mysterious concoction. What are you making? asks the golfer. It smells wonderful. This is a magic brew, says the leprechaun. If you drink it, your golf game will improve remarkably, and youll never be defeated. Well, then, let me have some, says the golfer. Have as much as you like, says the leprechaun. But I must warn you, there is one serious side effect. It will almost certainly diminish your sexual desire. I can live with that, says the golfer, and gulps down a full cup. The brew works. Just as the leprechaun predicted, the golfer defeats all challengers and within six months, hes the undisput- ed local champion. The golfer is delighted, and one day he goes back into the woods to thank his benefactor. It worked, says the golfer. It really worked! Im the best golfer this club has ever seen. Yes, but what about your sex life? asks the leprechaun. Pretty good, says the golfer. Ive had sex three or four times in the last six months. That doesnt sound so great to me, says the leprechaun. Actually, says the golfer, its not bad at all for a Catholic priest in a small parish.

[This is an original creation except as noted below]

[For the occassional hermit out there without a mail drop, America Online
has been distributing 10 Hours Free disks like crazy. They come with
magazines, they come by themselves, they are attached to trade journals
etc. I have about ten of them now. I have never expressed an interest
in AOL but these disks keep mounting up.]

Things to do about all of your AOL disks.

Collect two solar masses worth and detonate the sun. [copied from
a signature seen on the net.]
Activate each account with a different cartoon character name like
Bullwinkle, Barney Rubble, Tasmanian Devil, etc. See if you run out
of names before you run out of disks.
Activate the disks one at a time. For each disk you activate, download
enough files to fill up the reformatted activation disk. Dont stop
until you have downloaded all data AOL has to offer. Use remaining
unactivated disks for backup of downloaded data.
Get 1000 people to all activate all of their disks at the same time.
Monitor trade journals to see which disk storage manufacturer gets
AOLs order for new multi-terabyte drive to hold subscriber
data base.
Tile your bathroom with your collection. Submit picture of bathroom
to GQ (Geek Quarterly) magazine.
Donate disks to charity. Tell IRS that each disk contains $10 worth
of software. Use resulting deductions to buy Lichtenstein.
Call the FBI and tell them that these disks are made from refined uranium
and homes across the country will begin exploding as soon as they
reach critical mass.
Activate all of your disk simultaneously using different ids. Making
effective use of mail forwarding and distrubtion lists, bring AOL to
a screeching halt by creating, sending, forwarding and reforwarding
the following message among the various account: Stop sending
these f*****g disks.
Erase all disks, put new labels on them and resell them as new. Retire
at age 43.
Start pyramid scheme with chain letter that tells recipient to
mail 1 disk to each of the five people listed in the letter and
to send the letter to five more people.

* Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you like it that way.
* Drum on every available surface.
* Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
* Staple papers in the middle of the page.
* Ask 800 operators for dates.
* Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.
* Sew anti-theft detector strips into peoples backpacks.
* Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
* Specify that your drive-through order is to go.
* Set alarms for random times.
* Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
* Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
* Honk and wave to strangers.
* Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.
* Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
* Tape pieces of Sweating to the Oldies over climactic parts of rental movies. * Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register.
* ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
* only type in lowercase.
* dont use any punctuation either.
* Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
* Pay for your dinner with pennies.
* Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
* Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: Do you hear that? What? Never mind, its gone now.
* Light road flares on a birthday cake.
* Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
* Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
* Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
* At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
* As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
* Stand over someones shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
* Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
* Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
* Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
* Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce No, wait, I messed it up! and repeat.
* Drive half a block.
* Name your dog Dog.
* Ask people what gender they are.
* Reply to everything someone says with Thats what YOU think.
* Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
* Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a real hoot.
* Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you dont want to fall off in case the big one comes.
* Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
* Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as Feliz Navidad, the Archies Sugar or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
* While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
* Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
* Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
* Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
* Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim its a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.
* Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
* Chew on pens that youve borrowed.
* Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
* Wear a LOT of cologne.
* Ask to interface with someone.
* Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your superior mental processing.
* Sing along at the opera.
* Mow your lawn with scissors.
* At a golf tournament, chant swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!
* Finish all your sentences with the words in accordance with prophesy.
* Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesnt rhyme.
* Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about psychological profiles.
* Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a magic picture.
* Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
* Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
* Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that youll be saying more any moment.
* Never make eye contact.
* Never break eye contact.
* Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
* Construct elaborate crop circles in your front lawn.
* Construct your own pretend tricorder and scan people with it, announcing the results.
* Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.
* Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
* Make appointments for the 31st of September.
* Invite lots of people to other peoples parties.
* Send fifty copies of this list to everyone you know.

Things Never Said By a Redneck…

1. Wrasslins fake.

2. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

3. Were vegetarians.

4. Do you think my gut is too big?

5. Ill have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.

6. Honey, we dont need another dog.

7. Whos Richard Petty?

8. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

9. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.

10. Spittin is such a nasty habit.