Old and New Jokes

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Giovanni!
Giovanni who!
Giovanni go to a movie!

15 – You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping — with your Oldsmobile. 14 – Although armed with fire extinguishers, friends stood at a safe distance as you blew out your birthday candles. 13 – Thanks to you, Jack Daniels stock is up 15 1/4 since Friday. 12 – Boris Yeltsin called personally to ask you to slow down on the Stoli. 11 – For some reason, theres salt on the rim of your basketball goal. 10 – Your name is Otis and Sheriff Andy has brought you some of Aunt Beas pancakes. 9 – For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you couldve bought the automobile. 8 – Youre now the proud inventor of the Slim Jim: Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam. 7 – Answering machine full of warnings from Coach Switzer. 6 – Absolut wants to run an ad featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle. 5 – Yet again, dry cleaner employees greet you with, Hey, its Vomit Man! 4 – The doorman asks for your I.D. just to see how long itll take you to find your pants. 3 – Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal cavity into a pan of frying onions. 2 – Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat. 1 – Youre now sober enough to realize Drink Canada Dry is a slogan and not a personal challenge.

Manolo y Pilarica están haciendo el amor y éste le ruega:

Pilarica, ya son diez años de matrimonio, ¡por favor, date vuelta!

Recibe un no rotundo.

Manolo insiste:

Son diez años, date vuelta, quiero algo diferente, algo nuevo…

Otra vez la respuesta es no.

Te prometo ser suave y muy delicado.

Definitivamente no, contesta ella.

¡¿Y cuando coño vamos a tener hijos así?!, exclama Manolo.

Pepe, ¿verdad que soy un cielo?

Sí.

Pepe, ¿verdad que no puedes vivir sin mí?

Sí.

¿Verdad que soy lo más importante de tu vida?

Sí.

¿Verdad que soy maravillosa?

Sí.

¿Verdad que me quieres mucho?

Sí.

¡Ay, Pepe, que cosas tan bellas me dices!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Luke!
Luke who?
Luke through the keyhole and youll see!

The Pope goes to New York. He is picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?
The driver is understandably hesistant and says, Im sorry, but I dont think Im supposed to do that.
But the pope persists, Please?
The driver finally lets up. Oh, all right, I cant really say no to the pope.
So the pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone. A policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the pope to roll down the window. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.
Cop: Chief, I have a problem.
Chief: What sort of problem?
Cop: Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit but its someone really important.
Chief: Important like the mayor?
Cop: No, no, much more important than that.
Chief: Important like the governor?
Cop: Wayyyyyy more important than that.
Chief: Like the president?
Cop: More.
Chief: Whos more important than the president?
Cop: I dont know, but hes got the pope DRIVING for him!

Best when told with a heavy Italian accent when the father speaks.

An Italian boy has a life long dream to go to school in the United
States and it finally comes true (good thing for this joke) when he is
accepted to Columbia University in New York. After a couple of years
at school his father comes to visit him in America.

The boy is
very excited to see his father and ask what he would like to do in
America. The father says, This isa America. Id a likea to goa to
a baseball game.

So they head on down to Yankee stadium and as it
turns out its oldtimers day. Roger Maris comes to bat and hits a
long ball which is heading for the left field seats. The father stands
up and yells, RUNA ROGER, RUN.

Micky Mantle comes up next and hits
a fly ball to deep right field. Again, the father stands up, and yells
RUNA MICKEY, RUN.

Next Joe Dimagio steps out to the plate. There
pitcher throws ball one, ball two, ball three and walks him on four
pitches. As Joe Dimagio starts to trot to first base the father stands
up and shouts, RUNA JOE, RUN.

No, his son interrupts, He has four balls, he walks.

His father stands up again, walka proud, Joe, walka proud.

John Fereira

How do you make a tissue dance?

Put some boogie in it!

What did the blonde say when she saw the YMCA sign??

LOOK!!! They spelled MACYs wrong!!!!

Definition of a Jewish dilemma:

Someone yelling, Free ham!