An Alaskan woman having car trouble pulls her Station Wagon into the local Exxon service station and has it looked over.
The Chillyland mechanic from under the hood says: Maam it looks like you blew a seal.
The Alaskan woman replies wiping her face: No, its just Mayonaise.
A man and woman are seated next to each other on a plane. After takeoff, the woman violently sneezes and excuses herself to go to the bathroom…so the man stands up to let her out.
She returns, and 15 minutes later she sneezes again big time, and again excuses herself to go to the bathroom.
She returns again, and immediately sneezes, excusing herself to go to the bathroom.
The man, a little tired of jumping up so often…asks her: You keep sneezing, whats the problem?
The woman replies: I have a rare condition…every time I sneeze I have an orgasm.
He says, Oh… what are you taking for it?
She says: Pepper.
Top ten reasons why owning a plumbing contracting business is similar to running a bordello …
Most service work by employees is done either while kneeling, or while flat on their backs.
While on the job, most employees have their butt cracks, bare midriff, and other parts of their anatomy exposed.
When a customer hires you, they know up front theyre going to pay through the nose.
Unless theyve been through the process before, your customer tends to be very nervous initially, then accepting and even enjoying whats taking place during, and in the end, usually feel relaxed, and feel like that theyve gotten their moneys worth.
If they dont feel theyve gotten their moneys worth, the response is universally the same: Ive been screwed!
The government, from local law enforcement to EPA to Public Health and everyone in between, is determined to drive you out of business with nit-picking regulations and stupid laws which criminalize innocent behavior.
Depending on the geographic location of your business, and the nature and predisposition of local officials, on rare occasions distasteful but necessary small bribes must be paid to grease the wheels of expediency, in order to stay in business.
After a long, hard days work, most employees take a long, very hot, hard-scrubbing shower to remove the offal and residues off their bodies thats been put there from doing their difficult and smelly jobs all day long.
A lot of the service work done is paid for in cash, and some of it is even declared as taxable income.
No matter how well you do your job, the public-at-large still looks down their noses at you because of the stereotype of your occupation being a less-than-desirable one to make an honest living at, never giving you the respect you deserve as a committed, dedicated professional, even though most of them at some time during their lifetime will make use of the services you provide.
This jokes about the Jewish orthodox, conservative and reform movements. You have to know a bit about them in order to fully appreciate it.
How do you tell if youre at an orthodox, conservative or reform wedding??
At the orthodox wedding, the brides mother is pregnant.
At the conservative wedding, the bride is pregnant.
At the reform wedding, the rabbi is pregnant.
Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something relating or associated with Christmas.
The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.
The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.
The third man pulls out a pair of stockings.
Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, How do these represent Christmas?
Theyre Carols.
Q: How many televangelists does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: None. They screw in hotel rooms.
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it will always be yours.
If it doesnt come back, it was never yours to begin with.
But… if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money and doesnt appear to realize that you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it.
A cat dies and goes to heaven.
God meets him at the gate and says, You have been a good cat all these years. You can have anything you desire, all you have to do is ask.
Well, said the cat, I lived all my life on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.
Say no more, says God and instantly a fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer he made to the cat.
All our life, the mice say, weve had to run. Cats, dogs, women with brooms have chased us. If we had roller skates, we wouldnt have to run any more.
God says he can take care of it and, instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
A week later God checks on the cat, which is asleep on its pillow. God gently nudges him awake and asks, How are you doing? Are you happy here?
Never been happier, says the cat, stretching and yawning. And those meals on wheels youve been sending over are great.
Cierto dÃa, Fidel Castro recibe un paquete enviado desde Miami. Cuando lo abre, observa que dentro del paquete hay sal, un mapa de Cuba y una foto de Michael Jackson. Confundido por el propósito del paquete, se dirige a Raúl, quien tampoco puede contestarle. Inmediatamente después busca a los profesores más sabios de Cuba para interpretarlo. Para su frustración tampoco éstos supieron.
Al otro dÃa, le promete la mitad de Cuba a cualquiera que le conteste. Nadie en la Isla le pudo resolver el misterio. Molesto, Fidel manda buscar al tipo que le envió el paquete y le pregunta:
Óyeme, ¿qué tú quieres decir con esto?
Muy fácil, chico. La sal, el mapa y la foto de Michael Jackson: ¡Sal de Cuba, maricón!
Top 10 Reasons For Being Irish
The Guinness is great
The crack is great
You wont get in a crack unless you marry them
You cant have sex with a condom on
Thus you must have sex without one on
No one can ever remember the night before
If you dont agree with me Ill blow you up
The stew is great
The Murphys is great
Er…Best pop down the pub and have a think