Old and New Jokes

One day the different parts of the body were having an argument to see which should be in charge.

The brain said I do all the thinking so Im the most important and I should be in charge.

The eyes said I see everything and let the rest of you know where we are, so Im the most important and I should be in charge.

The hands said Without me we wouldnt be able to pick anything up or move anything. So Im the most important and I should be in charge.

The stomach said I turn the food we eat into energy for the rest of you. Without me, wed starve. So Im the most important and I should be in charge.

The legs said Without me we wouldnt be able to move anywhere. So Im the most important and I should be in charge.

Then the rectum said I think I should be in charge.

All the rest of the parts said YOU?!? You dont do anything! Youre not important! You cant be in charge.

So the rectum closed up.

After a few days, the legs were all wobbly, the stomach was all queasy, the hands were all shaky, the eyes were all watery, and the brain was all cloudy. They all agreed that they couldnt take any more of this and agreed to put the rectum in charge.

The moral of the story?

You dont have to be the most important to be in charge, just be an asshole!

A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks around the temple, and makes sure everything is in working order. A shamus is at the bottom of the pecking order of synagog functionaries, and theres a joke about that:

A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the middle of a service, Oh, Lord, I am nobody!.

The cantor, not to be bested, also cries out, Oh, Lord, I am nobody!

The shamus, deeply moved, follows suit and cries, Oh, Lord, I am nobody!

The rabbi turns to the cantor and says, Now look who thinks hes nobody!

He found one that he liked and went up to the counter to buy it. The shop assistant saw which parrot he had picked out and said, That parrot repeats everything he hears. Thats alright, the man replied. So the man bought the parrot and left the store. As he was walking down the street, he saw a cop chasing a robber. The cop hollered to his partner, Shoot him down, shoot him down! Then the parrot said, Shoot him down, shoot him down! They kept walking and found a man who was trying to pry his car off the ground with a crowbar because his wheels had been stolen. The man said, Pop it up, pop it up! The parrot said, Pop it up, pop it up! They kept on walking to a carnival. A guy at a gamestand yelled, Hit a big one, win a prize! The parrot said, Hit a big one, win a prize! Then they walked into a church and sat down. The minister was in the middle of the sermon. He said, The Lord is above us. The parrot said, Shoot him down,shoot him down! The minister said, The devil is below us. The parrot said, Pop it up, pop it up. Then the minister got angry and threw a bible at the parrot. The parrot ducked and the bible hit a fat lady behind him. The parrot said, Hit a big one, win a prize!

Banta fell in love with a college girl but did not know how to propose marriage to her. After much thinking he asked, “Sujata, would you like to be the mother of my children?”

Sujata replied, “Why not? How many have you?”

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Stefan!
Stefan who?
Stefan it quick before it bites me!

Un día, mientras caminaba por la calle, un dirigente de un importante partido político es trágicamente atropellado por un camión y muere.

Su alma llega al paraíso y se encuentra en la entrada a San Pedro en persona. Bienvenido al paraíso, -le dice San Pedro-. Antes de que te acomodes, parece que hay un problema. Verás, muy raramente un alto político ha llegado aquí y no estamos seguros de qué hacer contigo. Lo que haremos será hacerte pasar un día en el infierno y otro en el paraíso, y luego podrás elegir dónde pasar la eternidad.

Y con esto San Pedro acompaña al político al ascensor y baja, baja hasta el infierno.

Las puertas se abren y se encuentra justo en medio de un verde campo de golf. A lo lejos hay un club y de pie delante de él están todos sus amigos políticos que habían trabajado con él, todos vestidos con traje de noche y muy contentos. Corren a saludarlo, lo abrazan y recuerdan los buenos tiempos en los que se enriquecían a costa del pueblo. Juegan un agradable partido de golf y luego por la noche cenan juntos en el Restaurante Gourmet del club con langosta. Comparten la noche con hermosísimas y liberales jovencitas.

Se encuentra también al Diablo, que de hecho es un tipo muy simpático y se divierte mucho contando chistes y bailando. Se está divirtiendo tanto que, antes de que se de cuenta, es ya hora de irse. Todos le dan un apretón de manos y lo saludan mientras sube al ascensor. El ascensor sube, sube, sube, y se reabre la puerta del paraíso donde San Pedro lo está esperando.

Ahora es el momento de pasar al paraíso.

Así que el político (inescrupuloso, ciertamente), pasa las 24 horas sucesivas pasando de nube en nube, tocando el arpa y cantando. Antes de que se de cuenta, las 24 horas ya han pasado y San Pedro va a buscarlo.

Ya has pasado un día en el infierno y otro en el paraíso. Ahora debes elegir tu eternidad.

El Hombre reflexiona un momento y luego responde:

Bueno, el paraíso ha sido precioso, pero creo que he estado mejor en el infierno.

Así que San Pedro lo acompaña hasta el ascensor y otra vez baja, baja, baja, hasta el infierno. Cuando las puertas del ascensor se abren se encuentra en medio de una tierra desierta cubierta de mierda y desperdicios. Ve a todos sus amigos vestidos con trapos, recogiendo los desperdicios y metiéndolos en bolsas negras. El Diablo lo alcanza y le pone un brazo en el cuello.

No entiendo, -balbucea el político-. Ayer estuve aquí y había lindas mujeres, un campo de golf y un club, y comimos langosta y caviar, y bailamos y nos divertimos mucho. Ahora todo lo que hay es un terreno desértico lleno de porquerías…, y mis amigos parecen unos miserables.

El Diablo lo mira, sonríe y dice:

Ayer estábamos en campaña. Hoy…, ya votaste por nosotros…

30 things people actually said in court



Question 1.

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July 15th

Q: What year?

A: Every year.



Question 2.

Q: What gear were you in the moment of impact?

A: Gucci sweets and Reeboks.



Question 3.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory

A: Yes.

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

A: I forget.

Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you have forgotten?



Question 4.

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?

A: 38 or 35, I cant remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: 45 years



Question 5.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?

A: He said Where am I, Cathy?

Q: And why did that upset you?

A My name is Susan.



Question 6.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?

A: Approximatly milepost 499.

Q: And where is milepost 499?

A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.



Question 7.

Q: Sir, What is your IQ?

A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.



Question 8.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?

A: After the accident?

Q: Before the accident.

A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.



Question 9.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?

A: We both do.

Q: Voodoo?

A: We do.

Q: You do?

A: Yes, Voodoo.



Question 10.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendent, were you red and blue lights flashing?

A: Yes

Q: Did the defendent say anything when she got out of her car?

A: Yes sir

Q: What did she say?

A: What disco am I at?



Question 11.

Q: Now doctor, isnt it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesnt know about it until the next morning?



Question 12.

Q: The youngest son, the 22 year old, how old is he?



Question 13.

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?



Question 14.

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?



Question 15.

Q: Did he kill you?



Question 16.

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of collision?



Question 17.

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?



Question 18.

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?



Question 19.

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes.

Q: What were you doing at the time?



Question 20.

Q: She had three children right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: none.

Q: Were there any girls?



Question 21.

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?

A: yes

Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?



Question 22.

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather eleborate honeymoon, didnt you?

A: I went to Europe, Sir.

Q: And you took your new wife?



Question 23.

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?



Question 24.

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.



Question 25.

Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male or female?



Question 26.

Q: Doctor how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.



Question 27.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK,? What school did you go to?

A: Oral



Question 28.

Q: Do you recall the time you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.



Question 29.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?



Question 30.

Q:Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So it was possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brains was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patien have still been alive nevertheless?

A: It is possible that he coulkd have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

There was a girl who found a bottle, it was dusty so she rubbed it and a genie came out saying, u have 3 wishes, but whatever u wish for, i get 2x as much.

so she said ok



i want a million dollars, so she got a million and the genie got doubled that



then she said a mustang, then the genie got 2 mustangs, she was mad so she said beat me half to death.

When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and childrens art. We dont have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

Dont write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.

When an I.T. person says hes coming right over, go for coffee. That way you wont be there when we need your password. Its nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.

When you call the help desk, state what you want, not whats keeping you from getting it. We dont need to know that you cant get into your mail because your computer wont power on at all.

When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. Were just testing.

When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.

Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

When the photocopier doesnt work, call computer support. Theres electronics in it.

When somethings wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. persons chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.

When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens dont have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

When an I.T. person tells you that hell be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly? That motivates us.

When the printer wont print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

When the printer still wont print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.

Dont learn the proper term for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by My thingy blew up.

Dont use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.

Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.