You so poor, last time you had a hot meal was when a rich man farted!
08
Dec
08
Dec
A lot of ethic groups are known for being tight with money.
Other groups are known to drink too much.
Some groups are even known for being people of few words.
Only the Scots however have combined all these traits and thrown in a kilt and bagpipes for good measure.
08
Dec
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. If, however, it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never appears to have noticed that you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it!
08
Dec
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor.
The doctor says, Okay, Mrs. Jones, what’s the problem?
The mother says, It’s my daughter Darla, she keeps getting these cravings,
she’s putting on weight and is sick most mornings.
The doctor gives Darla a good examination then turns to the mother and
says, Well, I don’t know how to tell you this but your Darla is pregnant –
about 4 months would be my guess.
The mother says, Pregnant?! She can’t be, she has never ever been left
alone with a man! Have you Darla?
Darla says, No mother! I’ve never even kissed a man!
The doctor walks over to the window and just stares out it.
About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, Is there something
wrong out there doctor?
The doctor replies, No, not really, it’s just that the last time anything
like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came
over the hill. I’ll be darned if I’m going to miss it this time!
08
Dec
Q: Why does a blonde insist on him wearing a condom?
A: So she can have a doggie bag for later.
08
Dec
Jay Leno monologue, It seems the principal of a Cincinnati school has sent a letter to parents — sent a letter home to parents, rather — regarding allegations that a fifth grade class was swapping sex for soda money. Trading sex for soda. So apparently that new Britney Spears Pepsi ads are really working. How creepy is that? Actually, a novel written by Britney Spears and her mother was released today. Its called A Mothers Gift. And if youve ever seen Britney in a tube top, i think what you know what the gift is.
08
Dec
A Canadian was observing teaching methods in schools in several African countries.
In one, she found the children doing a science lesson, timing the swing of a pendulum. The lesson had evidently been prepared in the US as the children were counting Mississippi one, Mississippi two, Mississippi three …
After the lesson the Canadian gave a talk and mentioned that if children in her country were doing this experiment, they would probably use a Canadian word like Saskatchewan to do the timing.
The next day, the Canadian happened to drop in on the class and found them still timing the pendulums swing, but today they were counting Saskatche one, Saskatche two …
08
Dec
There was a man who traveled all around the world. Every city he stopped in he would buy something for his mother and send it to her. On one such stop he found a parrot that spoke thirty different languages. He immediately bought it and sent it home to his mother.
A few days later he calls his mother. Did you like the parrot? he asked her.
Oh yes, she replied. It was delicious.
WHAT! the man cried. You ate it? That parrot wasnt for you to eat! It spoke thirty languages!
The mother paused for a moment and then said, So why didnt he say something?
07
Dec
It is once again time to vote for-the Darwin Award nominees for 1997. As you may already know, the Darwin Awards are for those nominees who will not be contributing to the gene pool (thankfully).
Yet Another Darwin award candidate – or pair of candidates — this just might be the winner!
07
Dec
A tourist asks a man in uniform, Are you a policeman?
No, I am an undercover detective.
So why are you in uniform?
Today is my day off.