Old and New Jokes

Una muchacha blanca se casa con un negro y en la noche de boda está muy preocupada porque ha oído hablar del tamaño del pene de la raza negra. Ya en el hotel, comparte sus preocupaciones con el novio. Él la consuela:

No te preocupes, te lo voy a enseñar por partes para que te acostumbres poco a poco.

Sale de la habitación y por la puerta le enseña una pulgada del pene.

¿Estás bien, mi querida?

Sí, estoy bien.

Él avanza otra pulgada y pregunta nuevamente:

¿Estás bien, mi querida?

Sí, estoy bien, ya puedes entrar.

Ahora prepárate, voy a subir la escalera para llegar a la habitación.

Yo mommas so ugly yo dad had to pick her up from the pound last night coz they thought she was a ravid bitch!

Why do the Vikings play in a Dome?

Because even God cant stand to watch!

There were once three guys with no dicks. They all went to the doctors.

The first guy says, Doctor, doctor, youve got to help me!

Whats the problem? asks the doctor.

I have no dick!

So the doctor gives him a metal dick and tells him to come back in a week.

The next guy comes in and says, Doctor, doctor, youve got to help me!

Whats wrong? the doctor asks.

I have no dick!

The doctor gives him a wooden dick and tells him to come back in a week.

The last guy comes in and has the same problem. The doctor gives him an electrical dick, and also tells him to come back in a week.

A week later,the first guy with the metal dick goes to the doctor and says, Doctor, doctor, I hate you, I hate you!

Why? asks the doctor.

Well, everytime I have sex with my girlfriend, she starts to shiver! He walks out.

The next guy with the wooden dick comes in and says, Doctor! I hate you!

Why? the doctor asks.

Everytime I have sex with my girlfriend, she gets splinters up there! He walks out.

The last guy with the electrical dick walks in and says, Doctor, doctor! I love you, I love you!

Why?

Everytime I have sex with my girlfriend, her boobs light up!

A little Jewish boy badly needed a new pair of shoes, but his mother was very busy, so she gave him some money and told him to go to Mr. Goldbergs shoe store down the road and buy himself a pair of shoes. But remember she impressed on him you must bargain, whatever price they give, you offer them half

So off went the little boy to the shoe store, he chose a nice pair of shoes which fitted him well and asked the price. Mr. Goldberg said The usual price is $ 12 but for you we will make it $ 10 No way said the little boy $ 5 is all they are worth Mr. Goldberg at first protested that the shoes cost him more than that, but in the end he agreed to sell the shoes for $ 5. The little boy then said they may be worth $ 5 but all I will pay is $ 2.50 By then Mr. Goldberg was fed up with the whole discussion and said You know what, sonny, as you are such a bright kid, you can have the pair of shoes for nothing

Thank you said the little boy but then you have to give me two pairs.

There once was a captain of a ship, and everyday at a certain time he would lock himself up in his cabin and look inside a mysterious black box. He did this everyday, but he told nobody what was inside the box. Then one day he died, and in his testament he gave the crew permission to open the box. So they opened the black box. And what they found was a piece of paper:
Starboard is right, port is left.

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airplanes, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of thewindshields.British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the pilots backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like a bolt shot from a crossbow. The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs for the windshield, andbegged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.NASA responded with a one-line memo: “Thaw the chicken.”

Why did the rabbit cross the road?

Chickens day off!

An Army guy and a Navy guy found themselves in a public restroom.
As the Army guy was walking out, the Navy guy said, while
washing his hands,

In the Navy, they teach us to wash our hands before leaving the
restroom. Then the Army guy replied,

Well, in the Army, they teach us not to pee on our hands!

A photographer for anational magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advisedthat a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.

The photographer arrived atthe airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane waswaiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Lets go!" The tense mansitting in the pilots seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air,though flying erratically.

"Fly over the northside of the fire," said the photographer, "and make several low-levelpasses."

"Why?" asked thenervous pilot.

"Because Im going totake pictures!" yelled the photographer. "Im a photographer, and photographerstake pictures!"

The pilot replied,"You mean youre not the flight instructor?"