Old and New Jokes

A little girl spoke to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it is a very large mammal, its throat is very small.

The little girl said, But how can that be? Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human. It is physically impossible! she said.

Undaunted, the little girl said, Well, when I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.

To this, the teacher said, What if Jonah went to hell?

The little girl replied, Then YOU ask him!

Después de efectuado el despegue, el piloto del avión se dirige a los pasajeros por el altavoz:

Estimados pasajeros: Bienvenidos al vuelo 888 con destino a la ciudad de París, nuestro tiempo estimado de vuelo es de 14 horas con 50 minutos, les recordamos que este es un vuelo de no fumar, por favor mantengan sus cinturones abrochados… etc.

Al terminar el rollo de siempre, olvida apagar el micrófono y empieza a decirle a su copiloto:

¡Ahora sí, cabrón, nada más pongo el piloto automático, me echo un cague, y luego me cojo a la azafata!

Al notar que todos los pasajeros escuchan el comentario, la azafata sale corriendo para avisarle al capitán que apague el micrófono, cuando una anciana sentada junto al pasillo le pone tremendo bastonazo y la tumba al suelo. La aeromoza, desconcertada, voltea a ver a la viejita, quien le advierte:

¡Quieta, piruja! Primero déjalo que cague.

1. If I like it, its mine.

2. If its in my mouth, its mine.

3. If I can take it from you, its mine.

4. If I had it a little while ago, its mine.

5. If Im chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.

6. If its mine, it must never appear to be yours anyway.

7. If it just looks like mine, its mine.

8. If I saw it first, its mine.

9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.

10. If its broken, its yours.

You scream Dit-dit-ditto while making love.

1. Silence, the final frontier: Where no woman has gone before.2. The undiscovered side of Banking: How to make deposits.3. Combating the Imelda Marcos Syndrome: You dont need new shoes everyday.4. Learn how not to inflict your Diets on other people.5. Nag Nag Nag – how to overcome your tendency to be a fish wife.6. An invitation to a party does not mean that you have to have a new outfit.7. Man Management: Discover how the garbage can wait until after the game.8. Personal Space: Leaving at least enough space in the bathroom cupboard for your partners toothbrush.9. Valuation: Just because its not important to you.10. Communication Skills I: Tears as the last resort and not the first.11. Communication Skills II: How to think before speaking.12. What he really wants: Is buying the right razor blades so difficult.13. Driving a car safely: A skill you can also acquire.14. Real women drink their share at a party.15. Telephones: How to hang up.16. Parking: Beginners Course.17. Parking (Advanced): Reversing into a parking space.18. The Natural Habitat of the Towel: Why they prefer the floor.19. Managing your weight: Its not water retention – its fat.20. Learning to cook I: Bran is not food.21. Learning to cook II: Bringing back bacon and eggs.22. Compliments: How to accept them gracefully.23. PMS: Your problem – not his.

Boss (to the new employee): We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in? New employee: Yes, sir. Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.

In Jerusalem, an English female journalist heard about an old rabbi who visited the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time.

In an effort to check out the story, she goes to the holy site and there he is!

She watches the bearded old man at prayer–and after about 45 minutes, when he turns to leave, she approaches him for an interview.

Im Jane Collins from the BBC, sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall and praying? For about 50 years, he informs her.

50 years! Thats amazing! What do you pray for?

I pray for peace between the Jews and the Arabs. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship.

And how do you feel, sir, after doing this for 50 years?

Like Im talking to a brick wall.

Doctor, said the patient, I had a peculiar dream last night. I dreamed you were my mother.

So? said the psychiatrist. What happened?

Nothing – I woke up

And then?

I had breakfast

And what did you have for breakfast?

Oh, just a piece of toast and a cup of coffee

Call that a breakfast? said the psyciatrist.

A pipe burst in a doctors house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $

600.

The doctor exclaimed, This is ridiculous! I dont even make that much as a doctor!.

The plumber waited for him to finish and then replied… Neither did I when I was a doctor!

One of my favorite jokes, a telling commentary on Jewish mothers
capacity to lay on guilt, involves the mother who gave her son two
neckties on Chanuka.

The boy hurried into his bedroom, ripped off the tie he was
wearing, put on one of the ties his mother had brought him, and hurried
back. Look, Mama! Isnt it gorgeous?

Mama asked, Whats the matter? You dont like the other one?

from Hooray For Yiddish by Leo Rosten