Old and New Jokes

Yo mama is missing a finger and cant count past nine.

A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first beau came to the door and said, Im Eddie, Im here to pick up Betty. Were going for spaghetti, is she ready? No. The second beau came to the door and said, Im Joe, Im here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go? No. The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. Hello, my name is Chuck. The farmer shot Chuck.

There were three Blondes on a tiny Island. They all wanted to get off the Island but none of them knew how. So one day a genie came along and granted each one a wish.

The first one wished to become intelligent enough to get off the Island. So the genie turned her into a redhead and she swam off.

The next one said: Thats cool, I want to get more intelligent than her. The genie turned her into a Brunette and she built a boat and sailed off.

The third Blonde was really impressed and wanted to become even more intelligent. So the genie turned her into a man, who used the bridge.

Un viajante va por el desierto montado en su camello. De pronto, el animal se detiene y se niega a caminar. Desesperado, el viajero mira a su alrededor y, a lo lejos, logra divisar un local con un letrero en grandes letras:

SE REPARAN CAMELLOS

Alegre, corre hacia allá y encuentra a un árabe que le ofrece repararlo por 20 dólares. El tipo los paga y el moro manda una grúa para traer al camello. Cuando éste es traído, el dueño del local ordena:

Súbanlo a la rampa.

El animal es subido en la rampa y, con dos enormes piedras, le golpean en los testículos. El dromedario sale corriendo como alma en pena. Sorprendido, el dueño del animal pregunta:

Y yo, ¿cómo lo voy a alcanzar?

El árabe grita:

Súbanlo a la rampa.

If a man says something and there is not a woman around to hear it, is he still wrong?

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink? The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening? The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rats music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. Sorry, the man replies, hes not for sale. The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. No, he insists, hes not for sale. The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

Are you insane? the bartender demanded. That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000! Dont worry about it. the man answered. The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rats a ventriloquist.

Love is a many-splendored thing. Until you have to explain to 300 million
people why your splendor by-product is causing a tax hike to cover the
new Presidential Emergency Dry-Cleaning Fund. Then its just a pain in
the ass.

– Alisa Meadows

knock knock

whos there?



cow goes



cow goes who?no silly, cow goes MOO!

Adam was walking around thegarden of Eden, moping. So God asked him, "What is wrong withyou?" Adam said he didnt have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companon and that it would be a woman. He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when youve had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it. Adam asked God, "Whatwill a woman like this cost?" God replied, "An arm and a leg." Adam thought a moment and asked, "What can I get for a rib?" The rest is history….

St. Peter stood at the Pearly Gates, waiting for the incoming. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?

Sure, replied Jesus. What do I have to do?

Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven.

Sounds easy enough. OK.

So Jesus waited at the gates while St. Peter went off on his errand.

The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to the examination table and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, What was it you did for a living?

The old man replied, I was a carpenter.

Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. Did you have any family? he asked.

Yes, I had a son, but I lost him.

Jesus leaned forward some more. You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?

Well, he had holes in his hands and feet.

Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, Father?

The old man leaned forward and whispered, Pinocchio?