Old and New Jokes

A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist named Jon complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.Not very long, answered the Mexican.

But then, why didnt you stay out longer and catch more? asked Jon.

The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.

Mr. Berg asked, But what do you do with the rest of your time?

I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and fuck the shit out of my wife. In the evenings I go into the village to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, get a quick blowjob and sing a few songs. I have a full life.

Our intrepid Mr. Berg interrupted, I have a M.BA. from Stanford and I can help you.You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat. With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New Jersey! From there you can direct your huge enterprise.

How long would that take? asked the Mexican.

Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years, replied Jon.

And after that?

Afterwards? Thats when it gets really interesting, answered Jon, laughing. When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!

Millions? Really? And after that?

After that youll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, fuck the shit out of your wife, and spend your evenings drinking and playing the guitar with your friends!

Una mujer estaba conversando con su vecina: Hoy me siento realmente bien. Comencé el día con un acto de generosidad. Le dí un billete de 100 a un vago.

¿Le diste un billete de 100 a un vago? Eso es mucho dinero para regalarlo. ¿Qué dijo tu esposo al respecto?

Oh, él estaba encantado. Lo único que dijo fue Gracias.

Sure fire signs that your cow has mad-cow disease…



Your cow insists on wearing a little A-1 sauce behind each ear as cologne.

She refuses to let you milk her, saying Not on the first date.

Your cow takes up painting and cuts off one of its ears.

Your cow gets a silicon implant for her udder.

Your cow appears on Oprah, claiming to be a horse trapped in a cows body.

Your cow demands to be branded with the Golden Archs Logo.

Your cow insists that all Hindus are sacred.

Your cow insists evaporated milk comes from thirsty cows.

Your cow quits the family dairy business and applies for a job at Burger King.

She starts giving you Milk of Amnesia.

Your cow joins the Hells Angels because, hey, it already has a cool leather jacket.

Your cow starts smoking its grass rather than eating it.

Your cow spends half the day sitting in the Lotus Position chanting MOO backwards.

Your cow insists that it can give you chocolate milk if you started feeding it Hershey bars.

Your cow asks you to brand it again but only if youll wear something sexy this time.

Your cow purposely blinds itself with a dart and yells Bullseye!

Your cow becomes a Muslim and asks to be called LaCream Abdul Milkbar.

Your cow insists Milk Duds are the result of stupid cows.

Your cow starts laughing hysterically until milk spurts out its nose.

You find your cow hiding secret plans to burn down half of Chicago.

Your cow keeps wanting to chew other cows cuds.

Your cow believes it could really jump over the moon like in the nursery rhyme if it had a really good run at it.

We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.

After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned.

There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonights concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star.

Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from thoughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, dont I?

Here are some basic descriptions of what may happen if airplanes had different operating systems running them.

DOS: Everybody pushes it till it glides, then jumps on and lets it coast till it skids, then jumps off, pushes, jumps back on, etc.

DOS with QEMM: Same as DOS, but with more leg room for pushing.

Macintosh: All the flight attendants, captains and baggage handlers look the same, act the same and talk the same. Every time you ask a question, you are told you dont need to know, dont want to know and everything will be done for you without your knowing, so just shut up.

OS/2: To get on board, you have to have your ticket stamped 10 different times by standing in 10 different lines. Then you fill out a form asking how you want your seating arranged–with the look and feel of an ocean liner, a passenger train or a bus. If you get on board and off the ground, you will have a wonderful trip, except when the rudder and flaps freeze, in which case you have time to say your prayers before you crash.

Windows: Colorful airport terminal, friendly flight attendants, easy access to a plane, and an uneventful takeoff. Then, all in a sudden, boom! You blow up without any warning whatsoever.

NT: The terminal and flight attendants all look like those the Windows plane uses, but the process of checking in and going through security is a nightmare. Once aboard, those passengers with first class tickets can go anywhere they want and arrive in half the time, while the vast majority of passengers with coach tickets cant even get aboard.

Unix: Everyone brings one piece of the plane. Then they go on the runway and piece it together, all the while arguing about what kind of plane theyre building.

CAIRO: The airplane is distributed among 47 different hangars in 13 airports scattered over 8 states, 4 Canadian provinces, and a remote mountain hideaway in Nicaragua. But you dont need to know where the airplane is or who it belongs to in order to fly it. Actually, you dont fly the airplane itself; you fly a simulation that behaves just like the real thing except that you dont go anywhere. But thats okay, because when the world is at your fingertips you never need to leave home.

A: Anti-hiss-tamines

Caught in the Act or Lack of Common Sense

Portsmouth, R.I. Police charged Gregory Rosa, 25, with a string of vending
machine robberies in January when he (1) fled from police inexplicably when they
spotted him loitering around a vending machine and (2) later tried to post his
$400 bail in coins.

Karen Lee Joachimmi, 20, was arrested in Lake City Florida for robbery of a
Howard Johnsons motel. She was armed with only an electric chain saw, which was
not plugged in.

The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in
Ypsilanti, Michigan at 7:50am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned
him down because he said he couldnt open the cash register without a food
order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they werent available
for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

David Posman, 33, was arrested recently in Providence, R.I, after allegedly
knocking out an armored car driver and stealing the closest four bags of money.
It turned out they contained $800 in pennies, weighed 30 pounds each, and
slowed him to a stagger during his getaway so that police officers easily jumped
him from behind.

The Belgium news agency Belga reported in November that a man suspected of
robbing a jewelry store in Liege said he couldnt have done it because he was
busy breaking into a school at the same time. Police then arrested him for
breaking into the school.

Drug-possession defendant Christopher so-and-so, on trial in March in Pontiac,
Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the
officer didnt need a warrant because a bulge in Christophers jacket could
have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same
jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge
discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a
five-minute recess to compose himself.

Atlanta Braves pitcher John Smoltz gave himself five-inch-long welts in March
when he tried to iron his polo shirt while wearing it. Ive ironed that way
five or six times, he said, and never had it happen.

Dave so-and-so of Anniston, Alabama, was injured recently after he attempted to
replace a tubelike fuse in his Chevy pickup with a 22-caliber rifle bullet (used
because it was a perfect fit). However, when electricity heated the bullet, it
went off and shot him in the knee.

Why did Helen Keller go insane?

She tried to read a stucco wall.

Take your own sweet time when doing ANYTHING.

Pronounce all one-syllable words with two.

When giving directions, finish with and its right down yonder
on the left. Confuses the mess out of em.

Talk REAL slow, and ask them to speak more slowly so you can
understand what theyre saying.

When they talk nostalgically about the North, tell em Deltas
ready when you are!

Talk loudly and often about SEC football or ACC basketball.

Refer to every soft drink as a Coke.

Always order sweet tea and/or grits. When they dont have it,
raise a ruckus.

Offer to send em a bottle of fresh air.

Insist on being addressed by your first AND middle names. (e.g.
Lisa Marie — John Michael — Jim Bob. . .you get the idea)

Frequently bring up The War of Northern Aggression in
conversation. If anyone ever says the words Civil War, always
interject that there was nothing civil about it.

Address all males as son and females as little lady.

Correct their pronunciation of certain words. For example: Its
Pah-kahn not Pee-can.

Put Tabasco on everything.

For New York Yankees: Act as if the whole state of New York is
New York City. In other words, if they say Yo, Im from upstate New
Yoik! say Well, Ill be darned, my wife has always wanted to see a
Broadway show!

When invited to dinner, offer to bring dessert. Show up with a
box of Moon Pies. . .preferably the banana ones.

Name all of your children Bubba. (or just call em that!)

Use the word reckon in a sentence and watch their reaction.

Mash buttons. Cut off lights. Carry the kids to school.

Never simply do something. Be fixin to do something.

Tell them you dont have an accent, they do.

Be sure to include yes/no maam/sir in all
conversations… Offends the heck out of em.

Only use landmarks and ramble on when giving directions. Now go
down Jeff Davis Highway and turn left at where the Chevron station
used to be. I think they turned it into a Amoco. Or maybe a BP.
Anyway, turn right there… You said left. Did I? Well, turn
left there and follow it until you see a big fish on your left. I
remember when that fish used to be on the other side of town..

Ask them if its still snowing up North. Then tell em you
went driving around in your convertible this weekend.

Call em a yankee. Works every time.