Old and New Jokes

There was a little guy sitting at a bar drinking a beer. A while later a huge guy walked into the bar and he went up to the little guy and karate chopped him in the back. The little guy fell off his bar stool and when he got up the big guy said, That was a karate chop from Korea.

The big guy went to the restroom and the little guy ordered himself another beer. About 20 minutes later the big guy came back and karate choped the little guy in the back again. The little guy got up and dusted himself off and the big guy told him,That was a karate chop from China.

The little guy got up and decided he wasnt going to take any more of this, so he left the bar. About an hour later the little guy comes back to the bar and he hits the big guy in the back. The big guy is knocked out cold and hes on the floor. The little guy tells the bartender , Tell him that was a crowbar from Sears!

People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement.Never read the fine print. There aint no way youre going to like it.If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your butt will get soaking wet.The only two things we do with greater frequency in our old age are urinate and attend funerals.The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.To err is human, to forgive – highly unlikely.Do you realize that in about 40 years, well have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?Money cant buy happiness — but somehow its more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.After a certain age, if you dont wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.

While driving cross-country a man ran out of gas. Walked for a few miles in the rain and came to a house. After banging on the door for 10 minutes he decided to leave, but saw something in the window. There stood a nude couple, the woman squeezing her tits and the man beating his dick with an umbrella.

After watching for a while, the guy wrote them off as loonies and went in the direction of the next house. The neighbors were friendly and helped out in what ever way they could, the guy couldnt resist describing what he saw in the first house.

The woman laughed and said, Oh, they carry on that conversation all the time.

What do you mean? asked the puzzled traveler.

Well you see, theyre a deaf couple. She was asking her husband to go milk the cow and he was saying, F*ck you bitch, its raining!

There are more jokes like this at http://www.dirtylaughs.com

En la playa había mucha gente reunida frente a un salvavidas que, desesperadamente, le daba respiración de boca a boca a un infortunado bañista a la orilla del mar.

El salvavidas aplicaba la técnica de respiración de boca a boca, e inmediatamente un gran chorro de agua salía expulsada por la boca del ahogado. Y así.

Un señor que casualmente pasaba por el lugar le dice al salvavidas:

Me permite explicarle como debería hacerlo…, cuando es interrumpido por el salvavidas, quien, de lo mas enojado, le dice: pero por favor, cómo me va a decir a mí, cómo hacer mi trabajo. Y sigue aplicando la respiración de boca a boca, y de nuevo un gran chorro de agua sale expulsada por la boca del bañista.

Y así, varias veces el señor queriéndole explicar al salvavidas, y éste más enojado por las interrupciones. Hasta que, cansado, le cuestiona: ¿qué es lo que quiere?.

Entonces el individuo le dice al salvavidas: mire, no dudo que usted sea un excelente salvavidas, pero yo soy ingeniero hidráulico, y le digo que si no le saca el culo del agua al ahogado ¡va a estar bombeando toda la tarde!

El día de la Última Cena están todos los apóstoles reunidos y uno de ellos dice:

Bueno, como hoy es un gran día, vamos a celebrarlo metiéndonos de postre estas maravillosas rayas de coca, especialmentre traídas de la finca de mi abuelo para amenizar esta velada. Así que vamos allá.

Se esparcen por la mesa unas rayas bien cargadas (unos 50 gramos más o menos) y de repende dice Jesucristo:

Si no os importa, ya que soy el que preside la mesa empezaré a disfrutar del postre.

No hay problema, responden todos.

Jésús se acerca con cuidado al tesoro, aproxima el rostro al sembrado blanco, esnifa con buen estilo y, una vez que levanta la cabeza, titubea; de repente… ¡Atchisssssssss…! Tose de forma estrepitosa e incontrolada.

La coca que debería seguir en la mesa se volatiliza en una humareda blanca e intangible desapareciendo en el aire a los pocos segundos.

Todos enmudecen en una expresión digna de un cuadro expresionista, pero al instante Judas se levanta y exclama:

¡Me cago en D… No es para matarlo al cabrón… No es para matarlo… Decídmelo!

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

145. Leave memos on your roommates bed that say things like, I know what you did, and Dont think you can fool me.

Annals of Television: Two men whose fishing boat sank near Hawaii on Dec.
9 were rescued from a raft this week. However, Premiere Morning Sickness
reports, after hearing that Tom Arnold would be starring in another
sitcom, Richard Enslow and David Summers quickly paddled back out to sea.

Do you know the worlds funniest joke?

Neither do I.

Posted at a local golf club:

1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.

2. Form a loose grip.

3. Keep your head down.

4. Avoid a quick back swing.

5. Stay out of the water.

6. Try not to hit anyone.

7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.

8. Dont stand directly in front of others.

9. Quiet please … while others are preparing to go.

10. Dont take extra strokes. Very good. Now flush the urinal, go outside and tee off.

Normal people… believe that if it aint broke, dont fix it.

Engineers believe that if it aint broke, it doesnt have enough features yet.