Old and New Jokes

Dear Tide:

Im writing to say what an excellent product you have! Ive used it ever since the beginning of my married life, when my Mom told me it was the best.

Now that I am older and going through menopause, I find it is even better. In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse.

My unfeeling and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was, and generally started to become a pain in the neck.

One thing led to another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldnt come out.

After a quick trip to the supermarket and got a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!

In fact, the stains came out so well, that some detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests were negative and my attorney said that I would no longer be considered a suspect!

I thank you, once again, for having such a great product. Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.

Signed,

A Relieved Menopausal Wife

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house Not a creature was stirring, except fathers mouse. The computer was humming, the icons were hopping, As father did last-minute Internet shopping.

The stockings were hung next the modem with care In the hope that Santa would bring new software. The children were nestled all snug in their beds, With visions of computer games filling their heads.

Dark Forces for Billy, Doom II for Dan, Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann. The letters to Santa had been sent out by mum, To santa@toyshop.northpole.com–

Which now had been re-routed to Washington State Where Santas workshop had been moved by Bill Gates. All the elves and the reindeer had had to skedaddle To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.

After living a life that was simple and spare, Santa now finds hes a new billionaire, With a shiny red Porsche in place of his sleigh, And a house on Lake Washington just down the way > From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans. The elves have stock options and desks with a view, Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.

No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums Will be under the tree, only compact disk roms With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive, >From now on Christmas runs only on Win95.

More rapid than eagles the competitors came, And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name. Now, ADOBE! now, CLARIS! now, INTUIT! too, Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! youre all of you through,

Its Microsofts SANTA that the kids cant resist, Its the ultimate software with a traditional twist – Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf, And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.

Get em young, keep em long, is Microsofts theme, And a merger with Santa is a marketers dream. To the top of the NASDAQ! To the top of the Dow! Now dash away! dash away! dash away – wow!

And mum in her kerchief and me in my cap, Had just settled down for a long winters nap, When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, The whirr and the hum of our satellite platter, As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky, The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy. As I sprang from my bed and was turning around, My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.

And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates. And I heard them exclaim in voices so bright, have a Microsoft Christmas, and to all a good night!

The above document was written by Chet Raymo.

Q: How many liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None: They cant remove the old ones since they are already part of the environment.

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor swaying.
FAULT: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey game in progress.
ACTION: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent light strip across it.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up, latch yourself to bar.

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark.
FAULT: The Bar is closing.
ACTION: Panic.

SYMPTOM: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet. You cannot see your bedroom.
FAULT: You have spent the night in the gutter.
ACTION: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not, treat yourself to a lie-in.

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section. The stewardess tells her she must move to coach because she doesnt have a first class ticket.

The blonde replies, Im blonde, Im smart and I have a good job and Im staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.



The stewardess gets the Head Stewardess who asks the woman to leave and she again responds Im blonde, Im smart, I have a good job and Im staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.



The stewardesses dont know what to do because they have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off, so they get the co-pilot.



The co-pilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section.



The head stewardess asks the co-pilot what he said to get her to move. The co-pilot replies, I told her the front half of the airplane wasnt going to Jamaica.

Little Timmy and Little Bobby go to visit their grandmother in the country. Theyve been brought up in a fairly ill-disciplined household and are prone to swear quite a bit. Anyway after about a solid week of cursing and swearing their grandmother cant take it anymore and goes to see her friend Maude and get some advice. What can I do about them swearing? says the grandmother, As far as Im concerned there is only really one thing you can do, says Maude, next time they swear just hit em good and hard and they wont do it again. I cant do that! says grandma, shocked at the thought, theyre my grandchildren! Look, says Maude, Itll teach em a good lesson mark my words. Anyway Grandma leaves and goes home. The next morning Timmy and Bobby go downstairs to have breakfast. Grandma says to Bobby, And what would you like for breakfast? To which Bobby replies, Give me some of them Fucking cornflakes! Grandma lashes out with this big swing and knocks Bobby clean out of his chair. He sits on the ground looking shocked at his grandma. Next Grandma turns to Timmy, and what would you like for breakfast little Timmy? Timmy looks at his brother and then back to his grandmother and says, I dont know but you can bet your sweet arse it wont be fucking cornflakes!!

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep.

Smash forehead on keyboard to continue …

A man and his wife were supposed to go to a costume party together one Halloween, but when the time came to go the party, the woman told him to go on without her, because she said she had a terrible headache.

The man reluctantly did, and the suspicious wife decided to see just how faithful her man really was. She put on a different costume and went to the party.

When she got there she saw her husband dancing with a young girl in a sexy costume. Now, even more suspicious, she decided to really put him to the test.

She danced with him and whispered that they should sneak into a bedroom. She insisted they leave the masks on and had sex with him.

Fuming, she ran home to wait for his return. When he got there, she innocently asked if hed had fun. He told her he hadnt.

After a few minutes at the party, he and some guys had gone across the street to play poker.

He added, The guy who borrowed my costume said he had a hell of a time, though!

The teacher was conducting a class in nutrition and asked the class to name four qualities of mohters milk.

Little Johnny pipes up and says, I know teacher!

Number One: Its fresh.

Number Two: Its nutritious.

Number Three: It served at just the right temperature.

And Number Four: It comes in a cool container!