Cuando, en 1931, los japoneses invadieron la región china de Manchuria, se comportaron como los tÃpicos conquistadores: tratando con insulto y desprecio a la población. Sà algún poblador se atravesaba en su camino, los soldados nipones se ufanaban ante ellos diciendo:
¡Japón tu pale!
A lo que los sumisos chinos respondÃan:
¡China tu male!
You might be a redneck if. . .
You think harass is two words.
You consider fast food hitting a deer at 65 MPH.
Every day someone comes to your house mistakingly thinking your having a yard sale.
Fifth grade was the best six years of your life.
You have more dogs than the local shelter.
You consistantly receive credit card offers with a limit of $1.25.
Your postman puts rubber gloves on when the red flag is up on your mailbox.
How do you know when your staying in an Arkansas hotel?
When you call the front desk and say, Ive gotta leak in my sink, and the person at the front desk says, Go ahead!
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!
Why did God invent armadillos?
So that rednecks can have possum on the halfshell!
Definition of an Arkansas Virgin:
A girl who can run faster than her brothers.
Another item taken from K M Reeses article in C&EN.
An anonymous caller who wrote, I cant stop laughing, sent in a newspaper story about three janitors who in the utility room of a Californian elementary school tried to euthanize a gopher that a student had found on the school grounds and brought to them.
To that end they sprayed the rodent with several cans of a freezing solvent used to clean gum and wax off floors.
One of the janitors tried to light a cigarette, and the resulting blast blew all three out of the room. All apparently came out OK, as did the 16 pupils who were treated for minor injuries. The gopher was released later in a field.
In a joint press conference early this morning, the Chief Executives of Microsoft and Novell revealed that their companies had been working together to increase Microsofts dominance of the computer industry. In a secret partnership with Microsoft, Novell has been strategically acquiring Microsofts major competitors in the software industry and ruining them.
The relationship goes back a number of years, according to Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates. [Digital Researchs] DR-DOS 5.0 was ten times the operating system that MS-DOS 4.01 was. We couldnt even steal technology fast enough to compete. That was when we first contacted Novell. Under direction from Microsoft, Novell then purchased Digital Research, a small California company best known for its CP/M operating system.
Novell CEO Bob Frankenburg continued, We let the developers release DR-DOS 6.0, which unfortunately was a success, but then we jumped in with both feet. By the time we were done with it, Novell DOS 7 wouldnt even interoperate well with NetWare! All development on Digital Researchs product was subsequently halted in September 1994.
Frankenberg also explained their second target. When it became obvious that Windows NT wouldnt be able to hold a candle to Unix, it was agreed that Novell should buy Unix Systems Laboratories from AT&T to destroy it. The destruction of Unix was accomplished by Novells pushing of the UnixWare abomination and by carefully planned licensing fiascoes. Once the damage was complete, we pushed it off on SCO [Santa Cruz Operation] last month.
The latest joint venture was the destruction of Microsofts competition in the Windows application market. Under the guise of creating a rival suite, Novell bought up Wordperfect and Quattro Pro, Gates explained. With our direction, all OS/2 development was halted and significant bugs were introduced in the release cycle. [Microsoft] Excel wasnt half the spreadsheet that Quattro Pro was when Borland owned it, and look at us now! Novells intention to sell the PerfectOffice Suite was announced on October 30. Were done, said Frankenberg.
When asked about the prospect of competition from the new software giant created by the IBM/Lotus merger, Frankenburg replied, We expect IBM to do a better job of destroying Lotus than we could have ever done.
Many industry insiders were taken by surprise. It explains a lot, said Hewlett Packard employee Mike Lund. We never could figure out what the hell Novell thought they were doing with Unix.
Q. Whats the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
Here lies my wife in earthy mould; when she lived did naught but scold. Good friends go softly in your walking; lest she should wake and rise up talking.
Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls, and would his mother, please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this.
So Johnnys mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door.
– First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse…
so he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.
– Ok, now take off my skirt…
and he takes off her skirt.
– Now take off my bra…
which he does.
– And now, Johnny, please take off my panties.
and when Johnny finishes removing those, she says,
Johnny, PLEASE dont wear any of my clothes to school any more!
There were two men shipwrecked on this island. The minute they got on to the island one of them started screaming and yelling, Were going to die! Were going to die! Theres no food! No water! Were going to Die! The second man was propped up against a palm tree and acting so calmly it drove the first man crazy. Dont you understand?!? Were going to die!! The second man replied, You dont understand, I make $100,000 a week. The first man looked at him quite dumbfounded and asked, What difference does that make?!? Were on an island with no food and no water! Were going to DIE!!! The second man answered, You just dont get it. I make $100,000 a week and I tithe ten percent on that $100,000 a week. My pastor will find me!
Getting six hours of sleep is a privilege.
The sentence, Honey, could you take his foot out of my pocket? sounds
normal.
You are used to doing everything one-handed.
The thought of your mother-in-law coming over for a few hours is a
pleasant one.
The list of bodily fluids that disgust you has shortened, possibly to
zero.
Your idea of romance is hand-holding.
You answer the question How are you? with Were fine.
You decide whether a shirt is wearable not based on sweatiness, but
based on how well the spit-up stains match the shirts main color.
You see a slender teenage girl walking down your street, and you think,
Hey, I wonder if I could interest her in… babysitting?
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who cant even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with A man once told me…
How do you fix a womans watch?
You dont. Theres a clock on the oven.
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women wont shut up long enough to build up pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course. At least hell shut up after you let him in.
All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.
Whats worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that wont do what shes told!