Old and New Jokes

My brother-in-law just recently became a dentist and was issued his
DEA number, which allowed him to get prescription pads. A friend of his,
also a new dentist, had the misfortune of losing one of his pads. After
reporting the pad missing, he received a call from a pharmacist, who
believed he had found someone using the missing pad. When asked what had
raised his suspicions, the pharmacist replied that someone had just tried
to get a prescription filled for Mofine, 1 pound.

ART FART= its such a beauty you want to immortalize it on canvas.ARROGANT FART= When you think your farts dont stink.ASSUALT FART= A sudden attack that shoots virtual flames out your arse.TIRE FART= You cant control the blow out.BEER FARTS= These come out of every can and smell like warm beer.JAIL FART= Been doing time inside you for quite awhile, and finally makes its great escape.DONKEY FART= Your ass is the only one that can do it.GHOST FART= You cant hear it, you cant see it, and you cant smell it.HOME ALONE FART= When youre home alone and a great one is wasted on no one.SHOE FART= When you bend over to tie your shoe laces and one escapes.TANK FART= When you refer to your farts as gas.OLD FART= You know how old it is by how bad it smells.BRAIN FART= You need to fart, but nothing comes out.ALZHEIMER FART= A confused fart that heads the wrong way, and becomes a burp.NOT-ME FART= When you drop a bomb in a crowded elevator, turn around to the person behind you and give a disgusted look and whisper "PIG!"U.F.O. FART= When someone farts in crowded room, label it as a "Unidentified Foul Odor".

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, Come on man, I was just joking. Here, Ill buy you another drink. I just cant stand to see a man cry.

No, its not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.

I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.

One day Rastus and Liza Jane were sitting at the bus stop when Rastus ups and asks, Liza Jane can Is look up your dress before the bus gets here?

Liza Jane was startled and said, No Rastus you caint!

Well Rastus persisted and persisted till finally Liza Jane said, Alright ifn it will shut you up you can.

So Rastus looks up her dress and sees that see has no panties on to which he exclaims, Sho is a wonder!

Well the bus shows up and they gets on.

Next day, Rastus and Liza Jane are sitting there again when Rastus ups and asks her, Liza Jane, can I look up your dress again? Well Liza Jane at first refused, but as the day before she then gave in. So Rastus looks up there and seeing no panties he exclaims, again, Sho is a wonder!

Well this goes on for a few days when on the last day that Liza Jane would permit Rastus to look up her dress she tells him, Rastus you can look up my dress but you have to tell me one thing?

Rastus replies, Whats that?

Every time you look up my dress you says, Sho is a wonder. Sho is a wonder what?

To which Rastus replies, Sho is a wonder your guts dont fall out!!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
John!
John who!
John the Navy!

Dios se manifiesta en un sueño al Papa, Bill Clinton y a Bill Gates. Les dice:

Les tengo una noticia buena y una mala. La buena es que Yo existo. La mala es que la tierra será destruída en 30 dias.

El Papa despierta a sus colaboradores y les dice:

Les tengo dos noticias buenas. La primera es que hemos estado en lo correcto durante todo este tiempo, Dios existe. La segunda es que estaremos en el cielo en 30 días.

Bill Clinton despierta a sus colaboradores y les dice:

Les tengo una noticia buena y una mala. La buena es que Dios existe y está de nuestro lado. La mala es que el mundo terminará en 30 días.

Bill Gates despierta a sus colaboradores y les dice:

Les tengo una noticia buena y una noticia maravillosa. La noticia buena es que Dios piensa que soy una persona importante. La noticia maravillosa es que no tendremos que escuchar ninguna otra queja sobre Windows dentro de 30 días.

Q: What did the computer programmer say to the prostitute?

A: Do ya mind if I give you some extra Ram?

Knock Knock

Whos there?



Freeze



Freeze Who?



For hes a jolly good fellow.

Q: Why did it take the blonde seven days to drive from St. Louis to Chicago?
A: She kept seeing signs that read stop clean bathroom.

1.He had only one major publication
2.And it was in Hebrew
3.And it had no references
4.And it was not published in a refereed journal
5.And some even doubted that He wrote it Himself.
6.It may be true that He created the world, but what has He done since then?
7.His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8.The scientific community has had a very rough time trying to replicate His results.
9.He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.
10.When one experiment went awry, He tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
11.When subjects did not behave as predicted, He often punished them, or just deleted them from the sample.
12.He rarely came to class: He just told students to read the book.
13.He has his son teach the class.
14.He expelled His first two students for learning too much.
15.Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed His tests.
16.His office hours were infrequent, and usually held on a mountain top.