Old and New Jokes

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Osborn!
Osborn who?
Osborn today – its my birthday!

Un hombre quería demostrar a su esposa que las mujeres hablan más que los hombres, así que le mostró un estudio que decía que los hombres usan en promedio sólo 15,000 palabras al día, mientras que las mujeres usan 30,000 palabras al día.

Ella lo pensó un momento y luego le respondió a su marido que las mujeres usan el doble de palabras que los hombres porque siempre tienen que repetir todo lo que dicen.

El marido dijo: ¿Qué?

Estaba la mamá de Pepito hablando con la vecina y la vecina le contaba que tenía unas diarreas muy fuertes y que no se las podían controlar con nada.

Pepito, que estaba escuchando la conversación, le dice: Mire vecina, yo la voy a ayudar con eso porque yo tengo la receta.

Ella, considerando la corta edad de Pepito, pensaba que se trataba de cosas de niños, así que le preguntó cual era la receta para controlar las diarreas.

Pepito le dijo: Lo que tiene que hacer es comer mucha langosta.

Tanto la vecina como la mamá de Pepito se qedarpm asombradas y le preguntaron a Pepito cómo era que la langosta ayudaba con las diarreas.

Y Pepito les contestó:

Bueno, la verdad que yo no sé como ayuda, pero a cada rato escucho cuando mami le dice a papi que coma langosta, a ver si esa mierda se para…

Se celebran las Olimpiadas Especiales. En la prueba de natación sale el primer competidor, sin brazos. Se lanza a la piscina y al cabo de 3 minutos la cruza. La gente aplaude el mérito.

Aparece el segundo competidor, sin brazos ni piernas. Se lanza a la piscina y 5 minutos después cruza la piscina. La gente, emocionada por el esfuerzo del deportista, se levanta y aplaude sin cesar.

Entonces, aparece el tercer competidor, sin brazos, sin piernas y sin tronco; sólo la cabeza. Lo colocan en el lugar de lanzamiento, le ponen el gorro y se tira a la piscina.

Quince minutos después, no salía nadie de la piscina, ni se veía ningún movimiento. Entonces, los de rescate se tiraron y lo sacaron, casi a punto de ahogarse.

¿Qué pasó?, le preguntan intrigados.

¡No joda, 5 años entrenando para nadar con las orejas! ¿Quién fue el hijueputa que me puso el gorro?

Tech Support: OK Bob, lets press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter P to bring up the Program Manager.

Customer: I dont have a P.



Tech Support: On your keyboard, Bob.



Customer: What do you mean?



Tech Support: P on your keyboard, Bob.



Customer: Im not going to do that!

A group of loud and rowdy drunks were making a racket in the street. It was the wee small hours of the morning and the lady of the house flung open a window and shouted at them to keep quiet.



Is this where Frank lives? one of the drunks asked.



Yes, it is, the woman replied.



Well then, said the drunk, Could you come and pick him out so the rest of us can go home?

If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows
and only four tellers?

Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line.
Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest.
Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before thou sendest it.
Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message.
Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar.
Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE ALL CAPS.
Thou shalt not forward any chain letter.
Thou shalt not use e-mail for any illegal or unethical purpose.
Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of e-mail, especially from work.
When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it in the light of the dawn.

And, heres the Golden Rule of e-mail:

That which thou findest hateful to receive, sendest thou not unto others.

On that note thouest haveth a good weeketh!

Jessica

http://www.affiliatewindow.com

How Come No One Fights in Big Famous Nations Anymore?, they ask

Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — A delegation of American high school students today demanded the United States stop waging war in obscure nations such as Afghanistan, Kuwait, and Bosnia-Herzegovina, and instead attack places theyve actually heard of, such as France, Australia, and Austria, unless, they said, those last two are the same country.

People claim we dont know as much geography as our parents and grandparents, but its so not our fault, Josh Beldoni, a senior at Fischer High School in Los Angeles, told the Senate Armed Services Committee. Back then they only had wars in, like, Germany and England, but were supposed to know about places like Somalia and Massachusetts.

Macedonia, corrected committee Chairman Carl Levin of Michigan.

See? said Beldoni.

Beldonis frustration was shared by nearly three dozen students at the hearing, who blamed the U.S. military for making them look bad.

I totally support our soldiers and all that, but I am seriously failing both geography and social studies because I keep getting asked to find Croatia or Yemvrekia, or whatever bizarre-o country we send troops to, said Amelia Nash, a junior at Clark High School in Orlando, Fla. Cant we fight in, like, Italy? Its boot-shaped.

Chairman Levin however, explained that Italy was a U.S. ally, and that intervention is usually in response to a specific threat.

OK, what about Arulco? interrupted Tyler Boone, a senior at Bellevue High School in Wisconsin. Thats a country in Jagged Alliance 2 run by the evil Queen Deidranna. Im totally familiar with that place. Shes a major threat.

Jagged … ? said Levin.

Alliance. Its a computer game.

Well, no, Levin answered. We cant attack a fictional country.

Yeah right, Boone mumbled. Like Grenada was real.

The students testimony was supported by a cross-section of high school geography teachers, who urged the committee to help lay a solid foundation for Americas young people by curtailing any intervention abroad.

Since the anti-terror war began, most of my students can now point to Afghanistan on a map, which is fine, but those same kids still dont know the capitals of Nevada and Ohio, said Richard Gerber, who teaches at Rhymony High School in Atlanta. I think we need to cut back on our activities overseas and take care of business at home, and if that means invading Tallahassee (Fla.) or Trenton (N.J.) so that students learn where they are, so be it.

Ive always wanted to stick it to Hartford (Conn.), said Sen. Lincoln Chafee of Rhode Island. Oh shit, is my microphone on?

The hearing adjourned after six hours. An estimated 2,000 more students were expected to hold a march in the nations capital, but forgot which city it was in.

Copyright © 1999-2002, SatireWire

Two blondes were planning to rob a bank.

The first blonde had a tendancy to be smarter than the second.

They went over and over their plans for the robbery and finally they headed out to commit the crime. They pulled up in their car in front of the bank.

The first blonde says to the second blonde, Are you SURE you understand the plan?

Yes! replied the second blonde.

So the second blonde gets out of the passenger side of the car and heads into the bank.

Time passes, and after 10 minutes the second blonde has not returned.

The first blonde gets very nervous.

Finally, out comes the second blonde from the bank dragging the safe behind her by a rope, and seconds behind her comes the guard with his pants down.

No you idiot! I told you to blow the SAFE and tie-up the GUARD!