1.When she asks how she looks, shrug and say could be better this will keep her on her toes, and girls love That.

2. Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as a sign of weakness(or if she grabs your hand squeeze hers really really hard until she cries. This will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are.)

3. Once a month sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. Girls are like dogs. they love to be roughed up.

4. Call her in the middle of the night to ask if shes sleeping. If she is say you better be , repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. This will show her you care.

5. When she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be her fault. This will pave the way for her own personal improvement, and every girl needs some improvement.

6. Recognize the small things, they usually mean the most. Then when shes sleeping, steal all her small things and break them. Because jewellery is for pussys and Asian ladies.

7. If youre talking to another girl, make sure shes looking. When she is, stare into her eyes mouth the words fcuk you and grab the other girls arse. Girls love competition.

8. Tell her youre taking her out to dinner. Drive for miles so she thinks its going to be really special. Then take her to a burning tire yard. When she starts to get upset tell her you were just kidding and now youre really going to take her to dinner. Then drive her home. When she starts crying and asks why you would do something like that lean over and whisper very quietly into her ear …because I can.

9. introduce her to your friends as some chick. Women love those special nicknames.

10. Play with her hair. Play with it HARD.

11. Warm her up when shes cold…and not by giving her your jacket…then you might get cold. Rather, look her in the eye and say if you dont stop b*tching about the cold right now youre going to be b*tching about a black eye. The best way to get warm is with fear.

12. Take her to a party. When you get there shell have to go to the bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the partys dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you at the party.

13. Make her laugh. A good way to do this is if she has a small pet. Kick the pet. I always find stuff like that funny. Why shouldnt girls?

14. Let her fall asleep in your arms. When shes fast asleep, wait 10 minutes then JUMP UP AND SCREAM IN HER EAR! Repeat until she goes home and you can use your arms for more important things. Like basketball.

15. Spit often. I hear girls like guys that spit.

16. If you care about her never ever tell her. This will only give her self confidence. Then you can never turn her into the object she deep down desires to be.

17. Every time youre in her house steal one of the following: shoes, earrings, or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair. This way shell go crazy.

18. Take her out to dinner. Right when shes about to order interrupt and say No shes not hungry. Make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy that speaks for her.

19. Look her in the eyes and smile. Then clock her one. Girls love a spontaneous guy.

20. Give her one of your t-shirts……and make sure it has your smell on it. But not a sexy cologne smell. A bad smell. You know what Im talking about.

22. If youre listening to music, and she asks to hear it, tell her no. This way shell think youre mysterious.

23. Remember her birthday but dont get her something. Teach her material objects arent important. The only thing thats important is that she keeps you happy. And your happiness is the greatest present she can ever get.

24. When she gives you a present on your birthday, Christmas, or just whenever, take it and tell her you love it. Then next time you know shes coming over on a trash day leave the trash can open and have the present visibly sticking out of the can. Girls actually dont like this one that much but I think its funny.

25. If shes mad at you for not calling her when you say you will, promise her that you will call her at a certain time of the day. This will make sure that she waits by the phone. Tell her when you call youre going to tell her a special surprise. Now shell be really excited. Now dont call. Thats also quite funny

10. You cry for your mother. 9. You cross the street without looking for cars. 8. Snack time is a necessity. 7. You bundle up for the outdoors without caring what you look like because everyone else looks as stupid as you do6. You stay at home and play games with your friends. 5. You wear your backpack on both shoulders. 4. You wear big mittens. 3. Playing in the snow is a legitimate activity. 2. You take naps. 1. You look forward to grilled cheese sandwiches.

This story would go in rec.humor except a personal friend of the woman
involved assured me it actually happened:
(This is more likely an urban legend.)

The woman in question, a cute blonde as it happens, was pulled over for
speeding by a California Highway Patrol motorcycle officer. When he
walked up to her window and opened his ticket book she said:

I bet youre going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmans Ball.

He replied:

No, Highway Patrolmen dont have balls.

There followed a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what
hed said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.

She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.

(Is this how urban legends get started?)

The Polymath (aka: Jerry Hollombe, hollombe@TTI.COM)

A man walks into a bar and sees a man sitting beside a 12 inch pianist. He walks up to the man and says, Thats amazing how did you get that. The man pulls out a bottle and tells him to rub it and make a wish. So he rubs the bottle and a puff of smoke pops out and grants him one wish. So the man thinks and says, I wish I had a million bucks. The genie says, "OK, go outside and your wish will be granted."So the man goes outside and all he finds is ducks filling the sky and roads. He goes back in and tells the man what happend and the man says, I know, do you really think I wanted a 12 inch pianist.

Lunch, the HP Way

by Stephen Harrison and Noel Magee

This is the story of a different kind. No melting CPUs, no screaming disc
drives, just the kind of psychological torture that scars a man for life.

I had a 9:00 meeting with my sales rep. I needed to buy an entire new series
70, the works. He said itd take about an hour. Three hours later, wed
barely got the datacomm hardware down on paper, so he invited me downstairs
for lunch.

This was my first experience in an HP cafeteria. Above the service counter
was a menu which began…

MMUs (Main Menu Units)

0001A Burger. Includes sesame-seed bun.
Must order comdiments 00110A separately

001 Deletes seeds.
002 Expands burger to two patties.

00020A Double cheeseburger, preconfigured. Includes cheese,
bun and condiments.

001 Add-on bacon.
002 Delete second patty.
003 Replaces second patty with extra cheese.

00021A Burger Upgrade to Double Cheeseburger

001 From Single Burger.
002 From Double Burger.
003 Return credit for bun.

00220A Burger Bundle. Includes 00010A, 00210A and 00310A

001 Substitute root beer 00311A for cola 00310A.

My eyes glazed over. I asked for a burger and a root beer.
The waitress looked at me like I was an alien.

How would you like to order that, sir?

Quickly, if possible. Cant I just order a sandwich and a drink?

No sir. All our service is menu driven. Now what would you like?

I scanned the menu. How big is the 00010 burger?

The patty is rated at eight bites.

Well, how about the rest of it?

I dont have the specs on that, sir, but I think its a bit more.

Eight bites is too small. Give me the Double Burger Upgrade.

My sales rep interrupted. No, you want the Single Burger option 002
expands burger to two patties. The double burger upgrade would give you
two burgers.

But you could get return credit on the extra bun, the waitress chimed in,
trying to be helpful, although it isnt documented.

I looked around to see if anybody was staring at me. There was a couple in
line behind us. I recognized one of them, a guy who merely mowed me down in
the parking lot with his cherry-red 62 Vette. He was talking to some woman
who was waving her arms around and looking very excited.

What if… we marketed the bacon cheeseburger with the vegetable option and
without the burger and cheese? Itd be a BLT!

The woman charged off in the direction of the telephone, running
steeplechases over tables and chairs. My waitress tried to get my attention
again. Have you decided, sir?

Yeah, give me the double burger- excuse me, I mean the 00020A with the
option 001. I want everything on it. She put me down for the Condiment
Expansion Kit, which included mayonnaise, mustard and pickles with a option
to substitute relish.

Ketchup. I hated to ask. I want ketchup on that, too.

Thats not a condiment, sir, its a Tomato Product. My sales rep butted in
again. Thats not a supported configuration.

What now? I kept my voice steady.

Too juicy. The bun cant handle it.

Look. Forget the ketchup, just put some lettuce and tomatoes on it.

The waitress backed away from the counter. Im sorry, sir, but thats not
supported either, the bun can take it but the burger wont fit in the box.
The sales rep defended himself. Just not at first release. It is being
beta-tested, sir.

I checked the overhead screen. Fries, number 000210A, option 110. French
followed by option 120, English. What the hell are English Fries? I
turned to the sales rep. Chips they call them. We sell a lot of them.

I gave up. OK, OK just give me a plain vanilla Burger Bundle. The confused
the waitress profoundly. Sir, Vanilla as an option is configured only for
series 00450 Milkshakes. My sales rep chuckles. No maam, he just wants a
standard 00220A off the shelf. I wondered how long it had been on the shelf.
I didnt ask.

Very good, sir. The waitress breathed a sigh off relief. Your meal is now
on order. Now how would you like it supported?

Support? She directed me
to the green shaded area at the bottom of the menu, and I began a litany
with my Sales Rep that Ill never forget.

Implementation assistance?

You get a waiter.

Implementation analysis?

You tell him how hungry you are and he tells you what to eat.

Response Center Support?

He brings it to your table.

Extended materials?

You get refills.

I stuffed some money at the waitress and told her to take it. She gave me my
check on three sheets of green-bar paper. I studied it on my way to the
table, and decided itd pass as an emergency napkin.

Table? My Sales Rep had been bright enough to order us a table. He hadnt
been bright enough to check on a delivery date. The table waiter slouching
in his corner surveyed the crowded room, looked at me and said, Two weeks.
But I can get you a standalone chair by the window right away.

I handed him the tray. A woman rushed up to me with two small cups of chile
and sauerkraut for the hot dog somebody else had ordered. The room began
to grom dim, my eyesight faded…

I woke up clutching the water-glass at my bedside table. It was five AM,
four hours till my meeting with HP. I had had a vision, I did what it told
me to do. I dialed my office, and I called in sick.

Richard J. Sexton

David Lettermans Top Ten Signs The Government Is Spying On You

10. Post office wall has several photos of you sleeping

9. Your houseplant occasionally sneezes

8. Dominos keeps delivering to unmarked van parked across the street

7. Birthday card from your mom has several words blacked out

6. You get nominated for Outstanding Lead Performance in an NSA Surveillance Video

5. Your dishwasher functions are Wash, Rinse and Record

4. Local news only reporting things that happen in your living room

3. Every time you say goodbye on the phone, you hear a strange voice say, Roger that, Chico

2. You googled a recipe for humus and the FBI raided your house

1. Suddenly discover theres an antenna bolted to your ass

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are on the run from the law when they find an old barn to hide out in. The police are close on their tails, so when the women find three sacks, they immediately jump into them. About a minute later, a policeman comes into the barn and sees the suspicious-looking sacks. He kicks the first one."Meow," says the redhead. "It must be a cat," thinks the policeman and he kicks the second sack."Woof," says the brunette. "Must be a dog," thinks the policeman and he kicks the third sack."Potatoes," says the blonde.

As part of a seminar I recently attended on stress in the workplace, I was given a packet which included a family stress test. Our family found that all of the questions fell into what we considered the wuss category, and generated our own family stress test:

Score 0 if the statement is never true, 1 if it is rarely true, 2 if it is sometimes true, and 3 if it is always true.

____ Conversations often begin with Put the gun down, and then we can talk.
____ The school principal has your number on speed-dial.
____ The cat is on Valium.
____ People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.
____ You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaf.
____ The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.
____ No one has _time_ to wait for microwave TV dinners.
____ Family meetings are often mediated by law enforcement officials.
____ You have to check your kids day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.
____ Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.

Scoring:

30 – a perfect score. Welcome to the neighborhood!

20-29 – You are doing reasonably well, but still have too little going on in your life. Crank it up.

10-19 – You have mastered some of the aspects of the stress-filled life, but still have a long way to go. Have you considered a parallel career path?

0-9 – Enjoying all that extra time? What do you _do_ anyway?

(Originally from a NutWorks posting by Terry Morris)

The guy with the recipe graduated.

Online computer users often engage in cyber sex. However, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript doesnt seem to quite get the point of cyber sex. Then again, maybe he does…

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, Im toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-

36. What do you look like?

Wellhung: Im 63 and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart. Im also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner…it smells funny.

Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me? Wellhung: OK

Sweetheart: Were in my bedroom. Theres soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. Im looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.

Wellhung: Im gulping, Im beginning to sweat. Sweetheart: Im pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

Wellhung: Now Im unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling. Sweetheart: Im moaning softly.

Wellhung: Im taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly. Sweetheart: Im throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. Im rubbing you bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.

Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse. Im sorry. Sweetheart: Thats OK, it wasnt really too expensive.

Wellhung: Ill pay for it. Sweetheart: Dont worry about it. Im wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.

Wellhung: Im fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think its stuck. Do you have any scissors? Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. Im reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breast. My nipples are erect for you.

Wellhung: How did you do that? Im picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp. Sweetheart: Im arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.

Wellhung: Im dropping the bra. Now Im licking your, you know, breasts. Theyre neat! Sweetheart: Im running my fingers through your hair. Now Im nibbling your ear.

Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breast are covered with spit and phlegm. Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: Im so sorry; Really. Sweetheart: Im wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.

Wellhung: Im taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop. Sweetheart: OK. Im pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.

Wellhung: Im screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee! Sweetheart: Im pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.

Wellhung: Im pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you…umm… wait a minute. Sweetheart: Whats the matter?

Wellhung: Ive got a pubic hair caught in my throat. Im choking. Sweetheart: Are you OK?

Wellhung: Im having a coughing fit. Im turning all red. Sweetheart: Can I help?

Wellhung: Im running to the kitchen, choking wildly. Im fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups? Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.

Wellhung: Im drinking a cup of water. There, thats better. Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.

Wellhung: Im washing the cup now. Sweetheart: Im on the bed arching for you.

Wellhung: Im drying the cup. Now Im putting it back in the cabinet. And now Im walking back to the bedroom. Wait, its dark, Im lost. Wheres the bedroom?

Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall. Wellhung: I found it.

Sweetheart: Im tuggin off your pants. Im moaning. I want you so badly. Wellhung: Me too.

Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked bodies pressing each other.

Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts. Sweetheart Why dont you take off your glasses?

Wellhung: OK, but I cant see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table. Sweetheart: Im bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!

Wellhung: I have to pee. Im fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom. Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.

Wellhung: I find the bathroom and its dark. Im feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid. Sweetheart: Im waiting eagerly for your return.

Wellhung: Im done going. Im feeling around for the flush handle, but I cant find it. Uh-oh! Sweetheart: Whats the matter now?

Wellhung: Ive realized that Ive peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. Im walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way. Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.

Wellhung: OK, now Im going to put my…you know …thing…in your…you know…womans thing. Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

Wellhung: Im touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, Im having a little trouble here. Sweetheart: Im moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I cant stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!

Wellhung: Im flaccid. Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: Im limp. I cant sustain an erection. Sweetheart: Im standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.

Wellhung: Im shrugging with a sad look on my face, my wiener all floppy. Im going to get my glasses and see whats wrong. Sweetheart: No, never mind. Im getting dressed. Im putting on my underwear. Now Im putting on my wet nasty blouse.

Wellhung: No wait! Now Im squinting, trying to find the night table. Im feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles. Sweetheart: Im buttoning my blouse. Now Im putting on my shoes.

Wellhung: Ive found my glasses. Im putting them on. My God! One of your candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! Im pointing at it, a shocked look on my face. Sweetheart: Go to hell. Im logging off, you loser!

Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo! Sweetheart:{logged off}