What happens when people of different occupations get old.
– Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.
– Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils.
– Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.
– Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
Q. When is a pixie not a pixie?
A. When hes got his head up a fairys skirt, then hes a goblin.
Un chaval le pregunta a otro:
¿Que quieres ser de mayor?
¿Yo? Imbécil.
¿Por qué?
Porque mi padre siempre dice: ¡Qué de pasta tiene ese imbécil! ¡Qué tÃa más buena sale con este imbécil! ¡Qué cochazo tiene ese imbécil!
New Policy on Twelve Days
Effective immediately, the following economizing measures are being implemented in the Twelve Days of Christmas subsidiary:
The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance
Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated
The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French
The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.
The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order
The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one
The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement
As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching
Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps
Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year
Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line
Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days
What did they call the Chinese prostitute that became pregnant?
– What Went Wong.
You so poor, last time you had a hot meal was when a rich man farted!
There was a young fellow who emigrated from Russia to Texas. He worked hard and prospered. He had a good life and sent for his father to join him.
His father looked like a religious Jew. The son decided hed be happier if his appearance were more that of a native Texan. So, he brought him into a barbershop and had his beard shaved off. He then had him fitted with a tall Texan hat.
After all that, he noticed his father was crying. When his son asked why, his dad relied, Im crying because we lost the Alamo.
Whats the best way to have your husband remember your anniversary?
Get married on his birthday.
Im writing this letter slow because I know you cant read fast. We
dont live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the
newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from home, so we
moved. I wont be able to send you the address because the last
Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved
so they wouldnt have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. Im not sure
it works so well though. Last week I put a load in and pulled the
chain and havent seen them since.
The weather isnt bad here. It only rained twice last week, the first
time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it
would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut
them off and put them in the pockets.
John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried
because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, but I havent found out what it
is yet so I dont know if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks
just like your brother.
Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him
out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated
and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends ran off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was
driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two
friends were in back. They drowned because they couldnt get the
tailgate down.
There isnt much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love,
Mom
P.S. I was going to send you some money, but the envelope was already
sealed.
One day the owner of a porno store goes out for a while, leaving the shop to his
salesman. Soon a woman goes into the porno shop.
She asks, How much for the white dildo?
The Shopkeeper answers, $35.
She: How much for the black one?
He: $35 for the black one, $35 for the white one.
She: I think Ill take the black one. Ive never had a black one before.
She pays him, and off she goes.
A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks, How much for the black
dildo?
He: $35.
She: How much for the white one?
He: $35 for the white one, $35 for the black one.
She: Hmmm… I think Ill take the white one. Ive never had a white one
before…
She pays him, and off she goes.
About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, How much are your
dildos?
He: $35 for the white, $35 for the black.
She: Hmmmmm… how much is that plaid one on the shelf?
He: Well, thats a very special dildo… itll cost you $165.
She thinks for a moment and answers, Ill take the plaid one, Ive never had a
plaid one before…
She pays him, and off she goes.
Finally, the guys boss returns and asks, How did you do while I was gone? To
which the saleman responded, I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one
black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!